Working

When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you. -- Queen Latiffa, Chicago

---

Shad's computer is still in the dumps. After some misleading information yesterday afternoon, we were ready to go home and fix it all up and everything was going to be fine... but that was not the case. The persons we were waiting on for help disappeared, and around 1am we decided that we should just put it off until tomorrow. I did let him borrow my external HD, and so at least we'd have that first half of the job done already. He's off today. I'm not.

It's quite something to be working 12 to 14 hours every day in the service business. Aside from making around 200 every two or three days, it is rather... unsettling. After all, it takes quite a constitution to withstand the endless lines of jackass zombies. They moan and groan, and rip you apart, and they never go away -- they're always there. Strange that I can dislike them so much. I mean, hey, I love zombies. Real ones. They're great. Great art, great stories, great shooting practice. And I love... well, some people... but put them together, and it's just... ah... crazy.

You know, I remember being in school. High school was so... difficult; mostly because I was in swimming, school, and of course, work. Everyone can remember that. And if it didn't happen to you, you know someone it happened to. The annoying thing was that your parents were never forgiving about it all. "We work all day," they'd excuse themselves. As if working all day was harder than waking up, having school, sports, work, and then homework...

Well... it's close. But then again. I'd rather work 8 hours a day than 12-14.

26th

Bones sinking like stones,
All that we've fought for;
Homes, places we've grown,
All of us are done for...--Don't Panic, Coldplay

---

Christmas was yesterday in the United States (I don't know how it goes for the rest of you Earthians).

• Byrd knife
• Hand held car vacuum
• Digital audio recorder
• Insulated pea cote (very nice -- Merona)
• Maxtor 200Gig external hard drive (bought myself)
• Love Actually (also bought myself, finally... I love that movie)

Humble, but thoroughly enjoyable. Mostly because I am resting, and not working for a day in my life, and that is amazing.

I graduated from junior college earlier this month, and it's strange. I thought things would be different; I thought that I would feel different, but I feel the same way that I felt when it all began. I feel... bound to something I cannot see, and every day I think about it, I have to put it out of my head.

Tonight, this afternoon -- at sunset, I ran out to throw some garbage out, and the air was clean. That is something for this place. There was no dirt, and even though there lingered the smell of firewood burning on some distant hearth, as well as the faint scent of gasoline exhaust from a passing car, the air was soft. Drinkable; like water. I wanted it all. I took in as much as I could of it. I cried in my Spirit -- I'm sure of it. I don't know what else I could call it... I talked with God, Spirit. I told Him how beautiful it was. How I never wanted it to end, as I felt the warmth of the glowing sunset reflecting of the few thin clouds lingering over the horizon -- their wispy, thin bodies glowing like fire.

I said how He was so much more beautiful, and how I could want it forever, if my heart could only learn to love it truly. And I sighed and went inside. The horrible dilemma of human flesh, tainted by the sin of the first Adam, and, though freed by the Second Adam, left to its own diabolical devices and destructive dichotomies.

Full Circle

At long long last receive your due long overdue, Elphaba
The most celebrated
Are the rehabilitated. -- Wonderful, Wicked OBST

---

I got a job at Carino's again. Welcome home, that's what I say. I don't much like the thought of being at a work all day long every day throughout the hols, but there isn't much I can do about it. It's grown-up life for me.

Yes, I've graduated. Well, it is nothing, really, after all; Associate of Arts really only fancies up the thought of general degree, but it is a degree, and I am done with the first half of my school. A thought that just came to mind:
Jon refused to believe that I was going to Grad School after this. No matter what I told him, he wouldn't accept that as truth, and he had to go and ask someone else if that were possible. Jon, you dork. Of course it is, I wouldn't lie about something like that... in fact, I don't think I've lied about anyting in a while.

Which brings me to my next topic. I... well, nevermind; it's all said and done, anyway.

Miou leaves on Sunday from here, actually, to go visit Onii in the Land of the Sun. It'll be nice for them, I think; especially for Miou who needs to get away. Onii is my brother.

To-Do List for the Hols

• Kati's Art
• Tucker's scarf
• Save money :(
• Washington's blanket
• Dad's scarf
• Comic
• Book

Connect

I wonder why I'm so caught off guard when we kiss?
I'd rather live my life in regret than do this...
What happened to that Love we both knew -- we both chased? -- Disintegration, Jimmy Eat World

---

I met a guy from Washington state through my friend from Washington state, whom I met through my friend from Louisianna. Where I met the latter I cannot recall, but it isn't of much importance at the moment.

My brother, Mio, Forrest, and this new guy all play WoW together. It's funny, isn't it? Video games -- and we're all so old already. Almost pitiful, if it weren't for the lives we were leading in our own separate ways. I know that mine is full of stress and other factors, that when I come home to log on to this game, I feel relief. Escapism is the Ecstasy of the new century.

I want to make a small anime from that song. Or at least an opening scene. I just thought I would comment about it... Anyway, I have to study and work, so I'm going to jump in the shower now.

Monday Morning

Our God is an Awesome God

---

The air today is clean. Some radical mixture of moisture and purity: things you don't smell too often here. The memories it brings to life. It reminds me of the ocean and of California as a child, but most of all, it reminds me of those times I spent in the mountains, and in San Antonio for some reason. It smells reassuring, and peculiarly positive. There is nothing quite like it. The cool air blowing on my face, and wildly ruffling my hair brings back to the times when all was youthful innocence. To the times when we were allowed to go out and do our own thing without any fear of consequence. I remember the camps, the retreats, the missions, if there were only a few, and I miss them. My soul longs for them with quiet passion, slowly growing louder and louder as the day progresses. The more time I spend outside, I am reminded of the now seemingly incomprehensible ammounts of joy, and desire, and passion. How free I was then? How much more like a child? I had more to care for, more to desire for, and less to worry about. Surely, my struggles have changed little over the years; I still battle with what I despise the most. But there is more to worry over, more people than I can keep straight.

Back then, the small handful of lovers I had were enough to keep me going. We kept each other going, in the rough and in the smooth. There was nothing that came between us, until we grew older, more wiser, and isn't that the curse of ages? Wasn't that what set us apart from the Garden all those years ago? Wisdom, how lovely your features, how poison your kiss. To know you is to die, and to know Pain and Hurt as well...

I did not dream of work last night. How joyous an occasion this is! I dreamt of Cade, and Christie's song, "Julia", was on the radio, I think, and a few other random things, but I don't remember them now. I think I dreamt of the twins, and of Nate, and his father died... I should call him and see how he is.

I will go through the rest of my day enjoying this beautiful weather that God has sent to me.

Sunday Morning

This was a game, you were just playing, and now I'm losing you!
I'm a victim of love... -- Victim of Love, Elton John

---

I could not really sleep at all last night. It took forever to fall asleep, and during the morning hours, I felt like I was being tossed up and down... or pressed, or surged as though I were on an up-and-down roller coaster. I woke up about an hour early, and spent the rest of the morning trying to sleep and get over that feeling. Perhaps it was the beer? It was blue moon... Maybe I should just avoid beer all together, instead of trying to like it.

I got up and went to Saishyo Enkei a little late, only to remember as I was driving up on an empty parking lot at about 8:05 that we didn't have class this week. Great. I drove back home, and played WoW. I think I'm addicted.... gurr to Forrest.

So sick as I am, and exhausted as I am, I'm going to go to work and see what I can make for my money this weekend... and when it's over, I'm coming back home, and I'm not spending a penny of it ... I mean, you know, I say that, but... I should get better control of my budget. The months almost over; there is waay to much at stake and too much I have to do for me to be out wasting money.

Saturday Night

I could talk to you 'til I'm blue in the face,
But we still would arrive at the very same place
With you runnin' around, and me out of the race... -- That's Just What You Are, Aimee Mann

---

I got off work around 1620 today. I was very happy about it, too. I made 30 dollars, but whatever. Then I sat down and ordered a big steak with lots of junk on it, and spent that 30$. I laugh about that one. The meal was that much because I ordered the steak with stuff on it, and a Blue Moon (which I discovered is only good with an orange in it :p), and then I had to leave a tip. My server didn't have change, so I just let her keep the whole shabang ... shi... shebang... whatever. She was shocked, but it means she'll come in and eat in my section sometime and order a smothered steak, which is good, because I don't ever get any of those.

When I was walking into work today, though, I held my phone up in front of me and began turning the volume down so it would not ring while I was working. Then it hit me: I remembered that I did dream about work last night, and that I got in trouble about having my phone out at work. Now, either that did happen in my dream, or it happened yesterday at work, and I just don't remember it. It could well have been either, because I have poor memory often. Either way, I do not remember my dream from last night, and only remembered that when I pulled my phone out to look at it, so anything could be possible.

On another note, Kati-with-an-i choked me at work today. She's always hurting me, so I don't ever think about it. Today she reached up and put her hand around my throat... and I thought, eh.... It wasn't until she had her fingers digging into my neck, cutting off blood-flow, and air supply that I panicked. She freaked out when I coughed and slumped back a little. Oh and she let go, of course. She was shocked to see how fragile my neck was, and explained that she didn't mean to do that. Meanwhile, I'm sputtering and trying to recover my breath (it was a full hour or so later that I finally felt normal). Tears are filling my eyes and I'm doubled over trying to keep whatever is in my stomach from coming up (the sound I made when I coughed the first time was not inviting). We laughed about it, but I decided it would be a good idea for me to start strengthening my neck...

Saturday Morning

That's why I do the best I can
To treat each citizen of Oz as sons or daughters... -- Sentimental Man, Wicked

---

In keeping with my decision yesterday concerning writing more often in my journal or in my blog, I am here to report for what it is worth the evets of yesterday.
Basically, it sucked. I don't know what else to tell you. Well, it wasn't that bad. I did work all day only to make about 40$, but Seth and I hung out some more and played WoW. He's trying to get my addicted... it might be working, but I don't know if I want to pay for that again? I'm already paying for FFXI:online... and I like that game a lot. I should play that game, hm?

There was no crazy crap going on at work last night, though. I got in and I got out, if maybe a lot later than I had honestly hoped. I was put in a mid-section, instead of the first-cuts, and they didn't cut Volumes (doubles) first like they should... oh well, at least I didn't have to clean a whole bunch of rediculous crap. I go back into work today at 12.

I didn't dream about work last night as far as I can remember. Either that, or my mind is helping me to forget it, because of all the stress it seems to be putting on my shoulders... or maybe I dream about work, because I'm already stressed? I can't figure it out. Anna said I should pray about it, so I tried doing that, and I'll continue to try doing that, I guess. At any rate, I have to go. I'll be around again soon.

I've Been Busy

Goodbye, Caroline.
You're my favourite faith-healer... -- Goodbye Carroline, Aimee Mann

---

I apologize for my lengthy absense (or was it not really that long?), I have been working a lot lately. And when I'm not at work, I should be doing schoolwork. I have a few tests on Monday I need to study for, and the longer I put it off, the worse it will be for me.

But as for my job, I got a new one, at Texas Roadhouse, as a server. I like it; at least the money is better. But there is one strange thing, I feel so stressed out about it all! There is this constant feeling that I'm not doing it right, and that I suck horribly, and that I'm going to lose my job if I don't watch what I'm doing, but I know that I am doing it right -- or as right as I can be while still being new. The main thing is the new menu I have to know. It is completely different from the Italian one I had worked with for more than a year.

What I don't understand is how I could be more stressed about this job than my last one! I don't really dream of work... I'm sure I did once or twice back in high school, but I know I haven't in a long time. There were a couple of times I dreamt about it while I was working for the Italian place, and that was bad. But it seems like the only thing I dream about these days is work. And it is so stressful! I don't know why, either, but I'm getting fed up with it. I don't get enough good sleep, and so when I go into work, I'm at a disadvantage, and that makes doing my best something difficult to accomplish.

I have to go eat lunch here in a few minutes and then go into work all day...
Please, if anyone has any thoughts or ideas, please speak up, because I'm almost willing to try anything.

**

Addendum: After reviewing a few things, I decided that (1)it has been a long time since I last updated, and (2)updating my blog (or just writting in general) would be a good thing to do, because it may help me to get all this stress out of my heart and mind about this and other things, rather than just keep it all bundled up inside me.... But still, I leave that proposition open for anyone's opinions; feel free.

Privately Purposefully Pensive

A roaming journal entry. Dated Sixth of November, two-thousand six, at 10:35pm

---

I've thought throughout the day about the random things that make me truly happy.

Last night it rained. I only heard it, but it made me smile. It put my mind at ease.

A few weeks ago it stormed, and I awoke in the middle of the night long enough to smile, reach my hand out, maneuver my body around so I could touch the window, and promptly fell asleep, still smiling.

Tonight, I have a hot ceramic mug -- the handle is still cold. Though it is empty, it is the sensation of the temperature that makes me feel better. I hold it in my hands; I press it against my face, and my nose rests on the handle.

Even in solitude, there is joy, because of God

I spend too much time worrying about friends who have come and gone. Imagine if I did the same about these things! What a waste!

I Saw Something Funny

While doing some research.

For those of you who don't know, there is an interesting word:
mete;
and it is a synonym of sorts for the word "appropriate" or "assign."

It's pronounced "meat," by the way.
So go check out this hillarious blog I found. The link to the woman's blog will now be found on the right side of my page, under... Links. Amazing, really.

Enjoy.

Halloween Highlights

"It's quite large."
--the Mother, The Changeling

---

I wanted to dress up and go to the school for a costume contest; of course, I didn't. I woke up late, for one, and the costume I wanted to have couldn't be completed the way I wanted: part of the costume cost way more than I had figured, and the other part was no longer for sale. So sadly I went home, and did nothing all day.

At night I went to eat with my parents, and some other people came along. It isn't like I didn't want to eat with them... I just wasn't in the mood for other people; more specifically, people I knew would heckle me about mundane things. But all that aside, I went back to the mall with my parents, and just seeing everyone walking around with a costume on made me feel crapy, so I went and bought a pair of small black wings. I can use these for my desired costume, it will just have to look a little different on Saturday when our belated Halloween party is.

Donning the wings I strut around the mall for a little bit, and then after a short break at home, I go to the local Starbucks and chill. Haile and I eventually meet up and go to see the annual Halloween film at the Paramount.

As you can tell, it was a very drab and dull holiday, but it's done, and that means that Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming along soon enough.

I start my new job Thursday for real. We'll see how it goes.

My Response, "There is..."

such a fine line between life and death
right and wrong;
am I laughing or do I cry?

I want to let you know how incredibly glad I am that you responded. I figured you were online last night, but after seeing no response for a bit, I decided bed was a good idea. I started out by going to those addresses you suggested, but what I saw was not what I expected.

The first picture made me laugh... at first, at least I think so. That was the one picture I had asked you to destroy... or cut me out of. I couldn't look at it for long though; a strange wave of emotion I could not quite put my finger on would wash over me, and my eyes would tear up. At the sametime, I knew I was laughing somehow, and it came out. After a few minutes, I checked the other pictures, and then returned to read the rest of your letter...

As I read, I felt a wave of burning rush over me, and I began to laugh/cry again. I'm not sure what it means.

Maybe, after all this time, maybe I'm free? Maybe I'm healed? Maybe whatever demon has been tormenting me has finally let loose its grip around my neck, and has fallen from my back where it has clinged for so long. Maybe. I don't know what it means, but I feel different; so maybe I am?

Your words are words of victory. They are our words, and you said them better than I could ever have. Adieu happens to be playing on iTunes as I write this, but iTunes was on random (though I had it in the CB section), so again... I can't believe in coincidence, either; you know that. Not after everything we've been through. No. But the reason for this all still haunts outside of my perception.

I don't guess I never stopped loving you. I couldn't have... I would have forgotten about you, but I didn't, and now I know that I do still care deeply for you. So be careful on your endeavors, wherever you're going, and I'll be waiting for your reply.

"My love for you burns deep inside me, so strong... embers of times we had. And now, here I stand, lost in a memory... I see your face, and smile."

Daniel `koa

---

Thoughts On It All

you and I are wandering worlds
apart from each other, joined at the heart
-- Cosmic Dare (with a pretty pistol), The Seatbelts; CB_OST

---

Would she be angry at me posting these letters on here? Probably, but I don't really think so. I am posting them up here for the world to see, or whatever world there is this time. I know I cannot hold this strange emotion in on my own, I need it to overflow, and this is the best way.

---

She said, "I am...

falling
fading
drowning
help me to breathe...

You don't know how much I cried when I read this love...I had to smoke before writing this, because I miss you so much it hurts sometimes...

You've been on my mind non-stop since I met my new boyfriend...Tony is now the second friendship I've had that at all resembled the one I had with you (the first being Adam, my now former roomate)...

Besides telling Tony all these stories about my life,and the fact that many of the good ones involve you, I was looking for baby pictures to show him last night, and I found this:
http://i13.tinypic.com/2z8d9v5.jpg
http://i14.tinypic.com/2is8d4g.jpg
http://i13.tinypic.com/2s6t5ll.jpg

Maybe I'M just nostalgic, But I know this...You left a deep impression on my life...and a hole noone has been able to fill. You were the best friend anyone could ask for. You ARE the best friend anyone could ask for...I don't think you've been an "ass". We hurt each other a lot, helped each other heal, and though time and distance did everything they could, we are victorious.

Victorious how? Here is my proof and my point.

I've changed my mind about the army and I'm leaving for Mississippi on Wenesday. This decision was reached in one weeks time. Today, I have to tell my parents I'm leaving again...This time in a better situation, but it's still scary for them after the Sarah disaster. I have some kind of health problem causing my hair to fall out, i'm flat broke and I'm racked with guilt over my former drug abuse, former promiscuity, and worst of all, a miscarriage that has left me with nightmares every night ever since. I just got off the phone with Tony, I spent the night crying about how my life has gone wrong and how I've pushed so many people out of my world, and try as he might, he could not convince me otherwise.

As for you...

You were not looking for Adieu, you were looking for bleach (the chemical that is used to wash away stains, quite a metaphor if you ask me)....You came to tell me about it and it JUST SO HAPPENED that Tony asked me two nights ago to change the songs on my profile so he could hear more. I JUST SO HAPPENED to use Julia instead of My Heart, as originally planned.

You sent me this message right when I needed to hear it, and we now have a chance to regain a friendship that could potentially help us both get back a lot of what we lost. The timing was perfect. I don't believe in coincidence Dany. We are a success. Time, Distance, Anger, Pain, Seperation, Even lack of communication, are no match compared to the strong connection we built what now seems so long ago.

My love for you never died Daniel. It only grew. I don't know where I'm going, You don't know where your going, but I know a few places where I'm not going and you know a few places where your not going, together we know more than we know apart...and from what I've seen tonight, it's something beyond powerful.

I love you, Don't be afraid. I want to be your friend still, Seeing as how that hasn't changed in several years, I believe I always will.

-Chris

(so you know...[edited] the shaving of the head was not my choice...it started falling out, we think it's thyroid problems, but it could just be stress from moving away from Abilene, and the Remingtons picture was taken almost four months ago, back when I had hair *sad day*...at least Tony likes it. Punk. If I were to write a blog about you these days it would be full of I love you and I miss you, and none of that I hate you forever stuff...the difference? They have abandoned and given up on me forever...my friendship with you far surpasses that crap)

---

A response...

---

My Heart Is...

pounding,
failing,
hurting,
tearing.

you were in a dream of mine recently, but I don't remember what it was about.

I stayed up late to learn that tonight was the time to move our clocks back, but that wasn't why I did it. I did it because I wanted to see an episode of BLEACH and see what I was missing out on, but when I turned the channel, Cowboy Bebop was begining, and its song called out to me, because it was "Adieu".

And I was entranced, held to watch what I had forgotten about for so long, against my will. And Julia was there, and I felt... strange, dizzy.

And I came to tell you, and Julia was there, and her picture, and her song, and your voice, and I feel... strange. I don't know what it means; maybe I'm just nostalgic, and in pain for a place to belong the way we did in the past.

I'm sorry for being an ass; I know I've hurt you a lot, and I can't promise I wont hurt you again... but, you know, I do wish we could be friends agian. Or at least talk more often, maybe that's what I mean. You're the only person I could never run away from, despite all my threats and shortcomings.

I've got a blog again :: koabal85.blogspot.com .
It's not like the old days, but maybe it's safer? There were a lot of things we were naive to back then, but maybe we were full of hope. These days I feel... I don't know, darker; empty even. Even if the two of us could not be sure of where we were going, we could be sure we were going somewhere together. So... yeah... I'm sorry.

And I hope everything is going right for you.

---

A letter to an old, dear friend.

---

It's 5am

Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea...

---

And I just stayed up all night to finish Son of a Witch, by Gregory Maguire. It is wonderful, but it leaves off with just as many unanswered questions as the first.

So in that manner...

Pain

The same problem tears me to pieces inside, and I'm left to wonder...--Same Problem, Waking Ashland

---

In having to do another writing project for my CW class online, I found myself looking through my old journals. What I found surprised even me. It was a story I was going to write and have published; I felt it was the right thing to do at the time, but I never got around to finishing it. I don't remember why, actually, but I think it had something to do with the strong feelings it was eliciting in my heart. I remember telling myself I had to finish something else first, and I can recall reading the book A Separate Peace during that time. They were connected, somehow, the events of that year, and the book, but I wasn't sure. I had to finish reading that story again before I could put mine to paper.

There was a lot of dirt I was going to dig up on people around me, and I wasn't sure if I had the guts to do it. I couldn't bring myself to tear down and expose the naked truth of those who had dressed me up in follies and lies. The act of doing so seemed barbaric, as if I were fighting fire with fire. Sure, it makes sense: if there are lies, then tell the truth. But what if the truth was much harder to believe than the very pretense of it? What if everything around you had already been lost to those lies? The answer seems obvious, doesn't it? It seems like it would be a redeeming act to tell the truth and try to salvage what had been lost. The word "seems" is too prevalent.

I had lost almost everything in one fatal swoop. I was left alone by those near enough to lend comfort, and the ones who did were either gone or leaving the land of the eternal gray, the land that we live in now. The sky here is gray; either it is a pretense to a glorious dawn, or the failing light of day, and the night brings more sorrow than anyone can imagine. I cannot claim the rights to that bit of illustrative narration, because I borrowed it from a greater man, but perhaps it can be used to describe this city to a better effect. Most here are only feigning love, and half-truths form a rampant beast that devours the hearts of the innocent. It is a vampire that feeds on the living, and leaves behind it empty shells to rise again and repeat the same unfortunate events to the least suspecting.

It is funny, though, how one small piece of unfinished writing can cause so much pain.

Dreams

'And it shall be in the last days,' God says, 'that I will pour forth of my spirit on all mankind; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams;'--Peter quotes Joel, quoting God, Acts 2:17 [NASB]

---

I thought I'd also mention how my dreams have been somewhat strange lately. I cannot place my finger on it exactly, but I've been dreaming strange things about strange people, and the ones that catch my eye are the ones I haven't talked to in a long time. I've also had strange dreams about my family, so those of you who read this, please keep this in prayer, and I'll let you all know what happens next.

If you're unsure what to pray about, just pray that God reveals the secrets of these night visions, or the truths of them, because we cannot immediately assume they're signs or portrayals of a possibility. And let me be the first to tell you that I hope they're not.

The Day After

Well the rain keeps on coming down; it feels like a flood in my head
And that road keeps on calling me, screaming to everything lying ahead...

---

I have to be in class in a few minutes in order to get my review for my test on Wednesday, but I thought I'd stop by and give an update over what has been going on.

If I had not mentioned it, I am on a work-hiatus, and let me tell you, it is wonderful. Although, strangely enough, I feel like I'm just waisting my life away sitting around as I am, instead of enjoying it. One reason for this may be the fact that I have purchased an iPod for myself. I did that on Sunday -- yesterday, spending most, if not all, of the money I had been saving up for my break. Then, you know, it dawns on me that I was also saving that money for my trip to Las Vegas to see my brother, and my eventual relocation in San Diego. Funny. So here I am, needing another job.

I am proud of myself, though, because I would not have this without hard work, and I feel I have earned it.

In other news, I bought the iPod from Fry's Electronics, which you all should know doesn't exist in my neck-of-the-desert. This means I was in Dallas... for Jon's 21st birthday! Hooray. I loved the weekend, I had a lot of fun. My parents came up on Saturday, and Jon's family, and Butcher, Ellen, and Miles went out to eat lunch. Good times. My mom left for San Jose on Sunday, and she will not return until this Saturday night. I miss her already. But anyway, please keep all this in prayer because I need some more monies, but I don't know what to do. We'll see.

Ironic Observation #1

15 OCT 06

---

We were on the patio at work. We had just got off of our first shift, and thank the good Lord, today was not as busy as the past two days. There were four girls out there with me, and eventually two of them left. The two sitting next to me got into some conversation about a man who quit the day before. One of them mentioned how he had pushed one of the girls at work; it might have been her, but I don't remember, because what the other girl said next caught my attention: "He must beat his wife."
"That is a horrible assumption." I didn't even look up from the book I had gotten for myself.
"No, it's not," she looked at me sideways and tried to justify her statement.
I cut her off, "Yes, it is. We cannot just assume he beats his wife just because he pushes a girl."
"Well, my friend gets beat by her husband, and he pushes girls."
"I push girls," I said, and I was still looking at my book. There was silence and I shrugged and looked up. "But I would never harm my wife."
"You shouldn't push girls anyway."
"Why not? If they deserve it," I let the rhetorhical fade away.
"Well, you shouldn't..."
I looked at them now, rather irritated. "If women want equality, they'll get it." And that was my final statement. They were both quiet after that, and I was sure I had offended the one right next to me, the one whom I had be arguing with. At the same time, I think she got the point. She made one more comment, that I actually agreed with -- something about how it still wasn't right, but that was the end of it.

I had a conversation later about it with another of my co-workers when we got off that night. She could agree with me, and we moved on to discuss how women have the desire to be equal, but still want to be treated better than most society -- and that was a paradox. Oh, the Irony of Women's Rights.

A Brief Update...

I just gotta get myself over me...--The First Single, Format

---

In an effort to keep this blog going, I am posting a brief update from the past few days. And, no, the lyrics above aren't necessarily about me (are they?), but those were the lyrics I heard as I began this post, so there they are.

Remember those three people I wrote about several entries back? You know, Chris, Katie, and Joe. Well, Katie and Chris came into work Tuesday night with some new girl (whose name I cannot remember) and we chatted it up. Joe was missing, but not in a creepy way. That night was also my last night in the bar, which I realized this morning as I was copying my schedule from the internet so I would have it. It was... good. It wasn't too bad at all.

We have the windows open these days in the apartment. The weather is cool and quaint, and there is a smell of burning firewood often -- it is like having Christmas pass us up in October. I do find it hard to believe that Winter is actually coming, and that Halloween is just around the corner. I wanted to dress up like crazy this year, but I don't have any money. Suffice it to say, I probably wont be working that night, and if I am, well, then, it wont be for too long, because I'll be in training or something. I'm not worried.

I'm making A's in school, and so with this hiatus I'll be taking from work, I'll be able to put those to concrete, and study up. I'll also be able to work more on my Arts, which I'm all the more excited for. I have wanted to work on all this stuff, but the moment I actually sit down to do it, I lose all desire. I think it is because I have too much on my plate, and I'm long-past burnt out.

Still, the hard part is being cost-conscious. I have to go buy groceries tonight, and I have one crazy weekend ahead of me, workwise. The work I don't mind, because that is where my money will come from, but I'll have to deposit it or put it away so as not to spend it right out, and lose it all. Not this present weekend, but the weekend after, Matt and I will be going to visit Jon in Dallas for his 21st birthday. Huzzah.

Dum Dum Duuuuum

I went beta. um... about two days ago? So if you cannot comment at the moment, that's why. I cannot comment on your blogs either, unless you're beta. In the end, everything will work out.

I also got my hair cut. And after today, it should be completely straight... though, I'm afraid I've grown rather fond of these waves. I hope it ends up alright ...

Time to start the three longest days of the week *sigh*.

Exhaustion and Freedom

My heart goes dum... dah dum... boom dum daaaah~ for you--LOVE, this is my suitcase

---

I just saw Open Season with Koles and Sunday. It was fun. Crazy movie, and I didn't know what I was getting into. The exhaustion I had built up the whole week long had finally caught up with me, and I was sitting in my chair and passed out, so I got in bed, and was in and out. Koles called me, and when I woke later I called them back in time to join them for the movie.

I'm not doing much productive in my spare time lately. Well, scratch that. I am working on my book a bit, and things like that. School has been "breezy" for the first several weeks, so I don't mind it at all. I haven't been working on my CW projects (i.e. observation), but when I get out of my job I'll be able to concentrate more effectively on school.

Speaking of which, I've been thinking for several months that I needed a break from work. I am burnt out on serving people, and I just need to be away for a bit. I want to focus on being just a student and pursuing my personal desires. I've already wasted my last free summer, and so I guess this is just my own way of striking out of the stress. I realize I wont be able to do this in a real career (whatever I get) too often, so I'm trying to be young and reckless while I still can! My last day is October 17th.

I'm adding my deviantArt gallery link to this page, so after tonight you will be able to locate it on the right side of this blog. Please note that unless otherwise specified, all these things are copyright of me. Forever.

deviantArt

What Do You Think

When I say the name "Dustin Diamond?"

Well, up until very recently, you probably would be confused. And, the truth is most of you are still probably very confused.
If I said the name "Screech," some immediate and concurring murmur would resonate from the sea of now bright faces.

Yes. Dustin Diamond and Screech are one in the same. And now, our favourite person has his own porn. There's no casual way to go about it, folks. Quite honestly, I may have to apologize for causing you to have such a shudder, or maybe a revisitation of what you last consumed, but I did the same. Now... there are some clips floating around on the internet somewhere, but the most I've seen is his face... talking. Talking about crapy stuff you don't even know anything about. Amazing. Stimulating, if I may.

I did, however, come across this interresting article. I don't know anything about this magazine, and therefore I do not hold any support to their ethics/morals/beliefs, but I did enjoy the overwhelmingly observant take on that teenie bopper show we grew up with. I'll give you all some warning, the language is definitely adult. So you decide if you're up to hearing it or not. Don't be offended, just accept it as their opinion -- which I have no connection to, just thought was interesting.

If any pleasure has been derived in my life from this little instance, it is from this article. Enjoy.

Points to Ponder

I'm an engine driver -- The Engine Driver, Decemberists

---

Today was all but hectic, and is just now coming to a close. Aside from realizing that I had not gotten around to actually doing several things (as previously mentioned; read below), I spent from around 0800 to 0020 being out and around town. I've not enough time to do the things I need to...

Cade is home from across the Sea, and boy am I glad. He is an amazing guy, and I love him for that, but at the moment, he's got a lot to say. Understandable. I've not seen him in four months or so, and it is a good lesson to anyone to have to sit and listen to another person speak at any time for any reason, unless it is idle banter. One thing that did come up, though, was the fact that I wish I were a Student in career alone right now, and not trying to work at the same time. That working stuff just drives me a up a tree, and I don't have time to do my homework like I should (spread out and such). Aside from lack of time, there is the fact that whenever I come home, no matter how good the day went at work, I am not the same person I used to be. Sometimes this means I feel horrible; sometimes this just means I'm less whole than before -- and in more than one way. I've been toying with the idea of quiting for more than a month now, but I've not yet found the right place to go and work instead. I'm quite burned-out on serving people in a restuarant. I love to do it, but there's just something about it here that makes my skin crawl. The idea arose that I should just take a small break from working... a hiatus. Maybe it will give me time to think and to catch up in school and to strengthen my relationship with God.

It's just a thought. I've got too much to do tomorrow, so I'm off to bed.

These Are the Options

There's a tear in the fabric of your favourite dress...--Lightness, DCfC

---

It came up yesterday, when Jon and Josh and Matt Kig were home, that their room mate was talking of moving out. If I wanted to, when I finished my "under-grad" program here, I could go off to live with them all in Dallas. It's a nice option... but the idea of it... well, there are a lot of technicalities. My goal is to be in California next year, and that's three months away. Oh... what am I to do? With complications rising in my family both near and far, and the prospect of both acting and medical school pulling at me from across the desert, I've found myself in somewhat of a quandry. Tomorrow is the deadline for a short story I've yet found time to start, and I work all day. At 8am on Wednesday, I've a major test in Anatomy & Physiology, and I still have a bunch of work to do over our government project for voting. I've got too much on my plate at the moment.

A Report of Events

You're always on my mind...

---

Two nights ago, at work, some people came in around five minutes after we closed and ate. I wasn't very happy, but they were a nice bunch, and aside from leaving me a nice tip, they let me join them on an escapade to Wal-mart. Katie, Joe, and Chris are their names. They were... how do you say, different? They had a nice positive outlook on life, and I was almost amazed by their energy. When did I get to be so callous? They are freshmen at one of the local universities; at the particular one I happen to teach a class at. Well, I am not the actual teacher, but I do teach, and it is a class at that university, so I am a teacher there.

But that night, my body decided that it wanted to get sick. I don't know why, actually, but even though I got around seven hours of sleep, I was exhausted, and by the end of the day on Saturday I was ready to collapse. My body is now fighting sickness and fatigue, but I don't think it helped any that I went out and partied a little last night. It was the first time I had a drink or a smoke in a while, and it was relaxing. Those are things I quit due mostly to lack of funds, and stupidity, and last night in no way will lead back into it. The main reason I did that is because my friend is moving to Spain for a semester, and we were throwing her a going away party; of course I love to support. She wants me to go visit her in Madrid for Christmas, but we'll see how that turns out.

Matt and Jon were in town this weekend. I miss them both so dearly, and I wish I could be with them more often -- they've been the among most regular humans to have walked into my life, and those I can count on my hands alone. Matt gave me a hug and told me to call him; he apologized because he had to run, but he told me he loved me and missed me. Jon is with his family, and I'm going to try and stop by before I go to work so I can see him before he goes out again. I'm planning on going to Dallas for his 21st birthday.

In the tradition of reporting events and concepts found here in this particular post, I'd like to tell you that I am hating my job, and I'm wanting to quit. I'm so worn out, though, and I've not the energy to go on serving elsewhere -- but where else would I find the money I need? I'm burntout, and interestingly enough, I'm never too far away from the edge to be brought back; in the same thought, I'm never too far away from the edge to be kept from falling off it.
Stir that in your minds.

New Things

When walking down the road of life, when all hope seems lost...

---

I'm trying a few new things, as of late -- the one I'm going to talk about only comes from just last night.

I had a horrid night at work. I'll be honest, it wasn't easy, but it wasn't the hardest night at work I've had to face. Afterward, I drove on over to the Starbucks and went inside to have a Superfood drink and relax. First, I came upon some people with whom I attended high school. They were in acknowledging mood, but not in the welcoming mood -- not a very nice trait, especially when they point it out, but that's another story. Inside, however, I found three girls I've known for several years now, and they were just about to pray. After buying my drink, I sat down and joined them.

It was very nice, that after a hectic day at work, I was able to just go and immediately spend time with some fellow Christians and with the Lord in conversation. It was, for the lack of a better word, refreshing. So after the prayer, one of the girls asked how I was, and I had to stop myself from answering negatively. I thought for a moment, everything aside, everything aside, and then I realized that I was great. It shocked me at first, but then I wondered if that was the way we should always think of things. The night at work, while it was very horrible, wasn't murder in any litteral sense of the word, and it was over. It was all said and done. Perhaps this is the dawn of a new me, or at least the setting sun on an old me. Or maybe I will forget that I had ever experienced this particular epiphany, and I instead will continue on down the road of life as a leaf blown in the wind?

There are so many possibilities to everything, and as broad a spectrum as that statement covers, there is only one solution that will help us figure it out: we have the choice. So what choice do you make today?

In A Dream

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them, and we help them in return... -- For Good, Wicked

---

I don't know what it was exactly that caught my attention last night in my dream, but whatever happened, I find myself reminiscing about the past friendships I have had over the past year. And, to be honest, there aren't many. The one that sticks in my head the most is my supposed -- and I don't use that word lightly -- friendship with one of three in particular. At the beginning of this year, there were two guys who came into my life. It may make sense to you if I told you that they were the same person, in a way, but different. With them, there was another guy, but he would not show up until later. I spent six months with these guys. Six months being friends, or at least, that's what I thought. At the end of that six months, I found out how wrong I was.

The saddest part about it, though, is that I knew there was something wrong around the middle of the third month, and still, for some stupid reason, I continued in that friendship. I continued to pursue something so trivial, and I absolutely refused to give up. This gave rise to such problems as I would never have thought myself capable: insomnia, severe depression, anorexia. Yet I continued on, in the face of all these warnings. I think, though, it came to the point that I didn't know what else to do. Due to situations in my past involving lost friendships, there existed inside me then, and even now, a yearning to make things right with all people. And so I kept on, ignoring the fact that my body wasn't keeping up with my will; ignoring the fact that my heart was already being torn to shreds.

Everyone has a reason for being in our lives, and we can learn things from anyone. That is something to keep in mind. I learned a lot from those guys. Even though I may have spent too much at the time, I feel I got away from it all with a vast amount of knowledge that I intend to use.

Concept Journal

Oh how I love you so, lost in those memories, and now.... you've gone....

---

I have decided that I need to keep something close at hand for all my thoughts on writing projects, both current, future, and in the past. It is for this reason that I will now be writing things in a personal journal, and whatever I feel needs to be posted up on Blogger will be.

This may lead to a digression in my online writing and ramblings, but I assure you, I should not fade away completely; I just felt like you, my adoring online audience, should be in the ken. Thanks for your supports, and your loves; you have mine.

`koa

Keep It Up

I'm nicotine; I'm coming clean; I fooled the crowd when I made is sound like I was more than ready. -- I'm Ready, I Am, Format

---

There are days I feel like I should just give up on life -- the life I'm living now -- and start not starting anything. It's only then that I realize I have already given up on a life -- the life to follow Christ whole-heartedly -- and do so every day I don't spend time with Him. And then I wonder why my life sucks.

Please, people, do not stop reading this with the though, "what a freak," but continue on in order to hear my explaination. What I've just said may sound quite arrogant, and in a way, it might be; but the truth of it all is that even though you've got a lot of junk going on in your life, it wont even begin to make sense until you're living your life for God -- the one true God. Now, that is not me saying that things get easier; in all reality, they only get harder. The peace comes from knowing that you're good when it is all said and done. That internal peace is so above anything, that it affects the way you think about all your earthly to-do's, and you just relax. You're where you are for a reason. Free choice has nothing to do with that much. God is everywhere, and where you are, is where He is, and there is a reason for it.

Journals

Not sure what space I'm in... oh well I'm safe inside me here... oh well--Old Piano, Frou Frou

---

I always have problems with Journaling. It seems to be something I really want to do, and I try to do it often but when it comes down to which journal type to use, whether it be online or private in some book, I have problems. My frist online journal was with OpenDiary. I was very proud of that journal, and of the community that had grown up around me and my things, but it also came with a lot of problems and a lot of responsibility. One thing was that I was very open with what I was saying, and the people who read it were quite often in danger of being hurt. While I usually leave things like that up to the readers discretion, I was not too bothered by things like that. What was more important was the fact that after two years, the things I was saying were becoming noticably more taboo. Not that they had not been in the first place, but more that the people who were reading my entries made that so. There was nothing blocked to me, no door closed in the topics that I covered, and because of that freedom, I reviewed those with a mature and level head.

It was when the information found its way into the hands of the wrong people that things got... out of hand, if you will. It came down to the point that a friend's family was reading my blog and using it against both her and I, and in the end, just her, which isn't right. I never meant for something so personal and coveted to me to be transformed into something so violently dangerous for someone I cared for. It was in those days that I was more innocent that I am now.

The reason I'm writing about this is because I'm in a creative writing class. We are being instructed to get our own personal journal to write in at all times. The idea of having a more transportalbe version of my journal is very appealing to me, but I miss the idea of such a large audience possiblity that I am granted when writing online. Another downside to the blog is that in this particular version of blogging, there aren't privacy levels. Perhaps one day they will be installed... I have seen quite a few things change around Blogger.com since I first became involved, but I do miss the old days of OpenDiary. At any rate, what I'm trying to say is I'm not sure what to do. There are things I need to say, and journal about, that I cannot and absolutely will not say online ever again. The song I posted a line from at the top of this entry has the ambiance of how I'm feeling: confused and nostalgic.

To The Sky

I left my parents' this morning to find the sky painted in an array of colours one doesn't see too often with the way that weather has changed these days. In fact, I have been quite pleased with the way that things have been temperature-wise lately, as well, as if I had anything to do with that. Growing up I had always been in cooler weather, having gone to California at least once every year. It holds a certain leash on my memory and my spirit, and it relaxes me. Sadly, even though the weather was more calm -- the smell of water in the air, the sky in shades of blue and pink and yellow -- my spirit was still in turmoil.

Someone said it once as "I'm a dichotomous enigma swirled inside incongruity." A vortex of diametrics in dissent. I couldn't agree more, especially right now. I've spent the past week trying to get out of some tickets that were not necessarily my fault (though one cannot readily and honestly pass-the-buck on something so personal), getting settled in to a logical school schedule, and finding time to work, which right now seems to be every single shift I have available. This leaves me with little time to do my homework, and even less time to sleep. I am thankful at the moment for having moved back in with my parnents, but at the same time, I'm lonely. One never realizes a desire for community until they are removed so thoroughly from it. Having moved away from the Manor and Guardhouse -- though not having received any sort of demotion of neither Guardian title nor esteem -- I've been through such an instance very, very recently. Perhaps not in a bad way, but in a way, nonetheless.

The past two years of my life have left me with little more to say for people than their inconsistencies, but then I suppose that in all civility, I have nothing more to say for myself than my own inconsistency. I can only hope, meager attempt by meager attempt, that I am doing my best to be a constant lover -- the one I have always longed for, and earnestly asked for, from people, and God. I can only supply those around me with the relief that this morning's cloud-scattered proffering rendered my heart.
That's what one may only hope.

Tears That Fall

Should never fall in vain.

I am enrolled in an online class this semester, and my teacher happens to have her own blog on blogger. In connection with one of our recent assignments, she has posted a link to one of her entries from April 5, 2006, about Elie Wiesel's book Night, and just reading the selection from it brought tears to my eyes. I recommend this book for everyone and anyone; it doesn't matter who you are, or where you come from, you need to read this book.

And no, this is not just some soap-box special from some nobody trying to get you to buy into a fad or anything, it's just me, trying to tell you of our history; I'm telling you of our Human make-up. This is a book about a family taken away by Nazis, and about their experiences. This is a true story. So please, I'm sure it's rather cheap, as it is a small book, but the experience is more valuable than money.

Moonlight Miracle

Hitomi wa itsumo juweru
Body ni matou lovely charm
Ikite yuku koto wa try get chance
Kokoni aru kara tsuyoi yume
Gan! Gan! Kechirashite yukoo, rival darake no mahiru...

---

Labor Day. I definitely fell asleep in my car last night and woke up around 5am. After cleaning my foot a little, I climbed into bed, and slept until 2:30. The rain has been falling all day, and it's been nice. When I finally stepped outside later, I could smell something different than the usual "rain" smell in West Texas; it was a wet earth sound. I spent the day wrapped up in my blanket, and just wandered around the house when I wasn't watching a video on the internet -- which I'll talk about later.

The way the light was diffused through the clouds was something that brought back memories from the days of my childhood. There was even the complimentary smell of my mother's cooking. The smell is something I've come to the conclusion that I'll be missing later on. I know, I don't mean to be johny raincloud, but it happens, and I'm glad I got to enjoy today smelling it, as if I were a child in school again, with no job to go to in the daytime... Bah.

As for the video, it's PGSM the Live Action version. I used to watch this with some old friends of mine, and I miss them a lot. So I've had a nice, nostalgic day. And though no one really understood this rant, I am glad I still had it.

Misty Mornings

I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside it all. And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the T.V. entertained itself, 'cus there's no comfort in the waiting room... -- DCfC-Sarah

---

For the past couple of days, it has been cool. And this morning we all awoke to find wet grounds, puddles, and a light mist still falling after the night was over. There is something to be said for the feeling of a cool spray hitting your skin in a gentle breeze, but it cannot always win against the impending deadlines and human requirements, which linger so casually sure just over the horizon.

I've been shown a few things in the past week or so:

• The trick of salvation -- the first part already having been accomplished -- is belief.


• People always have their own plans, and you may never come first in anothers, but if that should happen, marry them.


• Blind promises are no promises at all.


• When something is not in front of you, you don't think of it.


• Lonliness is the next most constant thing to God.

So now I am off to work another shift in that place that pulls me closer to a darker hell, but thankfully, I will not be lingering there for much too long (God willing).

There's something to say about these Misty Mornings...

Cool Morning 8_29

I didn't get a chance to post this until now... sorry.

---

I stepped out of the Guardhouse this morning into a surprisingly cool breeze. It carried the aroma of the freshly cleaned greenery and earth to my face, and caressed it gently, like a mother’s hand. It was already eleven o’clock, but there was no heat. Stepping around the backyard of the Manor, I made my way to the front door. The chiming of the bells in the university tower across the street reached my ears. Each ring seemed to lift my soul like a gay child tugging me along to play, and running about my feet in laughter. I can hardly believe this is real, and all I wish for is to sit and consume this glorious morning the Lord has provided for me; for all of us.

The sky is clear; it is a clear blue I have not remembered seeing since I was younger. The way it compliments the coolness of the air almost screams out in joyous ecstasy. It is days like this I live for; days like this bring my heart to the surface, and I could cry for joy to be allowed to just sit in reverence of it all. Is this what Heaven is like? Does it feel like this? I can only hope. It is the coolness, like fresh water from a brook on tired faces, that stirs my spirit so. It is like His Spirit. It is an answered prayer for cleanliness, and the reply to praises and supplications. Bless Him; praise Him forever for what He has done.

And It Fades Away

I've got a wound that doesn't heal
[I'm] burning out again, burning out agian
I'm not sure which of me is real
I'm alone again, burning out again.... -- switchfoot

---

I'm home from my three-day vacation in Dallas, and I feel strange. I pulled into town at about 7:50pm tonight; the sun was still lighting the sky in that dim blue way, and it had rained -- hard. The gas in the car wasn't enough, and just when we were less than a mile from the house where everything would stop, the car did just that. I jumped out and started pushing with the help of my friend's sister. We got it through the underpass and the subsequent lighted intersection, but we were struggling just after that. BMW's are really heavy cars, for all of you who don't know, and I had totally forgotten the first time I had tried to push it -- uphill. Luckily, God answered a prayer from the sister rather quickly by sending us three military men who helped us push the car back towards the gas station (we had to push a fast U-turn and get it in the parking lot), and then bought us $2 of gas, for which we were all very thankful. Her prayer had been to make it home, and that got us there.

I jumped in my car after gathering my belongings, and began to make my way home to the Manor and the Guardhouse. I called Ry, and he was hanging out with some people. I called Molliver, and he was going to a dance. I called Kyte, and he didn't answer. So I just went home.

I saw Jaims and Jen and they were happy to see me, in a way, I'd suppose. Jaims was asleep and she needed rest, so I didn't stay her company too long; Jen was doing something with her mother, and Jenn was there, too, so we hugged. Dunny, Caroline, Kona, and N got out of the car when I was walking back to the Guardhouse to shower and rest, and they said hey and went inside. One consolation was that Jaims said Ry had called and told Jaims I was home and they should hang out with me.

But I had to clean the house before I took a shower, or I would not be happy -- and this room is somewhat spotless, and I'm proud of myself. I left the living room for the other guys; it's not right that I should come home to a horrible mess, anyway, it's just stressful. When I finally got done and showered, and interneted, I went over to the Manor to find Kyte sitting in the living area on his computer. I said hey and asked why he didn't call me. He pulled out his phone and said it had one missed call. I shrugged, and hugged him; I told him I loved him and missed him, and he was distant.

Everyone got together to Salsa, but first just sat around worshiping. It was nice, and it made me feel better, but then the Salsa music came and we danced, and I just felt... different. I'm tired, and I don't like to be around crazy people when I'm tired: they look at me strange. After a bit, Ry came home with two other people, and I hugged him, but it felt awkward.

I don't know how to explain it, but he tried to ask me how I was and smile and stuff, but things are just awkward.

"How was the trip?"
"It sucked," I shook my head, and then held it in my hands as I stood there; my hands pressed into my face and then back across my ears in frustration, and I sighed. "I mean, I had fun, but... I just did not want to be there."
"I knew as much," he nodded; "I'm not surprised, you shouldn't have gone." He started to walk out of the kitchen, and I followed.
"What was I supposed to do?"
"I know, right?" He led us back to the dance hall, "Keep your word, I guess." -- And my mind raced back to when we talked the night before on the phone... He doesn't like the guy too much, and I feel a little remorse for that, but then agian, I found out I didn't really like him when things got going earlier this week.

I walked out of that room at one point a little later, and the smile faded away -- too quickly for me to realize that there was something else in the air, but I knew something was wrong. I stayed over there as long as I could, but I had to leave, and now I sit in the room I cleaned for myself, and I'm alone.

"Scraping Paper to Document..."

I remember when the days were long, and the nights when the living room was on the lawn...-- Photobooth, Death Cab for Cutie [the DCfC Forbid]

---

For the past bit of time, I've been feeling like I shouldn't belong where I do. Well... that's now how I've felt it was, anyway. I had been thrown into some sort of cataclysm: a chorus of creaking clockwork named Calamity...

But, in reality, there was no problem but mine own. I was where I was supposed to be, and in fact, I am still in a place that is probably better than any other place I had yet found myself in. Was it my own flesh fighting to flee the scene, seeking for a false freedom? I could see that, I consider that, I can accept it, too. You see, I'm not totally heartless as some people would lead you to believe. I've got my conscious still with one foot in the pool of goodness, but it becomes ever harder to stay its place.

With a sour turn of events from one week to another, a rise in the amount of money that has to leave my pocket, and a surprise death I was not informed of, Tuesday night and Wednesday morning transformed into two horrible monsters. And this trip to Dallas that I had been so keen on taking just to get away, became something I felt dragged into. And now, here I am, in a hotel room in northwest Dallas. It's nice to get away, but I feel I should be home. And I've not enough money to be doing the things that I am doing, and I feel a slight pressure over it all. Sure, to be honest, I don't feel as free as I thought I would. It's nice to sleep in a cold room, with a shower that's high enough for me to stand under (though I do miss the high pressure), and a bed that's clean and all my own, but...

But I feel wrong. As for the money situation, God has been helping me out a lot; a lot of things have been happening that have gained me a beautiful hand at work lately. There still exist flaws to my disadvantage, but how I take on those challenges is what will be interresting to watch. And money isn't really a problem if I manage to save and deposit it when I get the chance (as soon as I get the chance. So be in prayer that I can get some more shifts this weekend, because I only have one in the coming week, and that scares me.

There's the Door

He opened his eyes. How long had he been sitting there, or laying there, in that half-light that streamed into the room through the doorless frame? He could see the blue sky, and though intense, it wasn't strong, but it still hurt his eyes. The horizon covered in a forest beyond a golden field that began right at the foot of the porch steps. How long had he been there? How long had that been waiting for him? Hadn't he once stepped up to the landing and gazed in more directions at the beauty of it all? Had he not once known how to step outside the boundaries of this lean-to lie?
How long had it been?

---

Clack clack clack. It rings in my ears, and in my sleep, and not at all: the chain that hits the fan in the bedroom as it shakes back and forth. Sunlight pours in through one unforgiving window, its crimson curtain taken down to be used for a bedsheet; the light warming my hands as I type on the keyboard. Outside the heat is unrelenting and the clouds are few and far between, but the world goes on in this strange weather. Perhaps it is the weather that is inside, inside my house, inside my heart, that people should wonder...

"Are you sad?" It was a question from way out in left field, but as soon as it was asked, I felt a melting. I considered it for some time before answering, and during that space, she justified her asking: "It just seems like you're sad. Are you? If you're not, I was just wondering, but it seems that way."
"I think," I took a breath, "I think I've been sad for so long that I just don't remember it. I've gotten used to being this way all the time." And it hurt in a way to admit to only living in varying degrees of sadness; that I've spent so much time wallowing in it that I had not had time for joy.

At the same moment, in the hallway, on the pew, staring up through the bannister at the three posters that lined the wall ("Lord" -- the word, large, in front of my face), it was all somehow liberating. As though I was told there was an exit, though no one ever said anything of the sort. I find it a strange comfort to know where I am. If only I had the strength of my own to get back to where I should be. But thankfully, there is a God who is strong. As much as it hurts me to admit it, I hate to say that, because it sounds so dumb. And that admission only reveals to us all how little faith I have... how twisted hope has become for me. It is with a still bitter tongue I thank those who've had a disparaging hand in my delicate downfall. In reality, that bitterness is able to be abolished as well, but I, as of yet, have not found the desire, nor the means by which I am able to do so. God help me in that I may be able to rid it before it clings so unwelcoming to my sould and roots itself too deep in my already broken heart.

One Week Left

My parents bought me a mortar and pestle. I was very excited.

I wonder sometimes why I stay where I am at these days. It's nothing bad, I promise; I like it all. A lot, but I have problems with certain feelings... Sometimes I just want to be alone, but still feel loved, and when you're alone, then you can't feel that way. *shrug* I just thought I'd say something about it. I've got a lot to write about, I just don't feel like venting it out right now. And my eyes feel wierd... I just want to sleep, I think.

School starts soon...

Training Trials and Triumphs

I will go down with this ship, and I won't put my hands up and surrender --dido

---

You’re in the next group.

Oh… ok.

I shrugged, but even then I couldn’t ward off my curiosity as to why. What made them think that I was fine with just being pushed off? I sought my manager out again to ask him why.

I just want to know why I was in the next one.

Well we had to break it down into groups so that not everyone is away from work at the same time.

Who is in this first one?

He listed about three before I cut him off.

I know she is a great trainer and all, but I’ve been waiting longer than she.
It irritated me to have to give an account of my time spent waiting to be certified at work.

Really? I’ll have to see…

Things like this that really make me want to quit. I don’t have time for this make-believe. Next thing you know, though, I’ve got a letter of congratulations waiting for me at the front door when I enter work next. It informs me that I am being certified as an official server trainer on Monday, and it asks that I arrive at the selected place at the listed time… in other words, I caught them at their game, and they couldn’t get out of it this round.

Although, I admit that I hate playing this. I’m tired; not only physically, but mentally.

I don’t normally like to complain about things like this…. Or perhaps I’m trying not to on this thing as much as normal, but this is something I can’t really ignore well enough.

I Got New Glasses

"Maybe this year Love will appear deeper than ever before"-- a Christmas song

---

So I got my new glasses. That means a new way to see... a healthier way to see. I will get new perscription sunglasses later, too, and then hopefully a picture posted as well.

As with all things that live, there is a definite life cycle. You can see this phenomenon in anything from food to animals, and even on the earth itself -- though the earth renews itself at a different pace, it doesn't just die; maybe we should look into learning from that.

As humans, living animals, we go through change all the time. There is a definite life cycle in progress from the time we are born to the time we die. It is a process not only found in our physical bodies, but also in our spiritual ones as well. Along with this process there are many dangers to be faced. One of which is stagnation. In the spiritual sense, stagnation would occur as the result of some misdirection of energies, stopping their movement between God and man. They lay wasted, off to the side, in some pool of disembodied hope and false love. What do we have to say for things like this? Perhaps the words anti-depressant, psychotherapy, counselling, electroshock-therapy, or jail sound familiar to you? These words are what man has created as a cure, but these do not cure what is missing, and that is the Love of God.

Not just any love will do, you see, but it is the crippling need for God's Love, a Love that never fails and is always True, that creates these stagnations. They do not happen on their own, no. It is deception by the enemy that causes such events, such dams in the river of life which connects us to our Creator. 'One little shortcut here will help you out,' he says sweetly; 'You do not need this,' or 'Only you can help this person out; only you have the power to save them from themselves.' And it is a lie similar, or the very same, that constricts our flow. Maybe not at first, for within the things whispered to us -- save the first listed among a few left out -- one can see that these are truly innocent, honest and meaningful desires. Perverted in anyway by the devil and, though it be left unsaid here, we know, it will always go awry.

I write these things not for you; not so that I can say to you, "Listen, and learn." No, me, I write these things for me; that I may know and learn and listen and grow. And if you happen across these things, and you do read it, please keep me and those around me in prayer. Please ask that the lies of the enemy be erased from my fragile frame, and that I am given strength for going forward, and ever upward.

"It Peaked."

"I can't fight this feeling any longer" -- some old love song *barf*

---

So I mentioned in my last entry how I couldn't understand why I felt alone yesterday, and I had no intention of anything getting out about it, but in a clippy conversation with Ry about the facts of life and who we are, it did. The strange thing is that he was feeling the same thing yesterday. It was some small comfort to know that Ry knew what I was talking about. Also, suffice it to say, Kyte and I had a small arguement that turned into something huge, but in the end it was just another angle on the same affect. Moliver, while I do not know what his stance was, was perceptive enough, and wise enough -- praise the Lord, to make the first intercession; one between Kyte and myself.

With the first overflow of the strange feeling said and done with, we all headed inside to go to bed, but it wasn't long before the next stage of this unseen battle began...
All of us were in our places, and for some reason I felt a tinge of desire; one I hadn't felt in quite some time. "Hey," I said, sitting up on my pallet, "How about whenever we part ways for the night, or go to bed, we pray?" I received a general sort of concurrence, and after several moments, we did pray. Me, Ry, Moliver, Kyte, in that order, and when Kyte prayed, I started to see strange things.

Now, I find it important for me to disclose the fact that I have been seeing strange things lately. Lights, visions, people out of the corner of my eye; the last of these being something I haven't seen in a long time (I'll not be surprised when the shadows return, Jon), and it wasn't the last of the honest list. As Kyte prayed, I felt strange, and I saw several flames like cupped candles form a lowercase b again and again, and when I shrugged it out of my mind, it did it again. Then I saw a wave of these lights pass by me, radiating out in a circle, and growing in number and intensity. When they passed, I looked down and saw these lights forming an elaborate box-cross. Another wave passed me, and I saw the cross again from another height, and I saw lights further out towards the darkened horizon. I felt lowered, I felt lifted, and then lowered again.

When I first saw these things, I thought of Brady, and it worried me, but I know that it may symbolize something good to come of something humanly bad. I'll just have to keep it in prayer. Moving on, though, when we finished praying, I mentioned it, and then we noticed the strength of the enemy pressing in all around us, and we prayed, and prayed, and then when we felt we were unable to do it, and fear was conquering us, we went to the girls, and they prayed with us.
The enemy is moving; we must, too.

I Got to Thinking

"Crazy, how I feel sometimes..." -- at least I think that's how that DMB song goes...

---

I was driving down the road from North to South today, enjoying the actually cool summer night breeze rushing over my arm. The strange part about it all was when I was looking up, it was a cold winter night sky that stared blankly down at me -- lit brightly by a 7/10 moon. [As a side note, yes sometimes I do get rediculously specific, but I feel it is important to do so -- a 7/10 moon is entirely different than a 3/4 moon, or a 4/5 moon]. At any rate, as I found I have wandered off on some sort of tanget, though thoroughly preconcieved, it just struck me as odd...

Times are strange, and I'm stranger still. I have felt alone today, and I've not a reason in the world for it. *sigh* ...
Typing on this keyboard is somewhat of a talent... *glances at the missing keys: u,i,9,],\*...

Days Go By

I've been ... well, busy, I guess you could say. First off, I want to point out that I don't have a cell anymore... it's broken. My bad. Today was it's unofficial-official death, and I it's murderer; guilty as charged (no pun intended). See, the "end/power" button on my phone stopped working after I chunked it across starbucks about five days ago. Today I took my battery out to look inside it (there was nothing, but we were talking about SimCards, and I wanted to see if I had one again -- I don't), but my phone turned off, obviously, and I forgot it wouldn't turn back on. So now begins the great adventure of phonelessism.

I've been hanging out with Ryan, Matt, Amanda, Erin, Caroline, Kyle, and anyone else who stops by lately. Rather, anyone who stops by the girls' house. So yeah. Thought I'd throw that update out there. I gotta go to work, though. Bye!

Summer Delight

She said, I might not be seein' him soon... I got a few things I been waiting' to do... Tori -- Mayer.

---

It seems like it's been a long time since I actually got some sleep. Waking a few moments ago from a nap I had desperately needed, I feel surprisingly rested, all aside from the fact that I wanted to stay in bed (I need to be at work in about 45 minutes). I think it's one of the tensionless benefits you gain when you finally get out of debt.

I think I may have mentioned it about three months ago (if at all), but I'm finally out of debt. Seriously, this time. See, last time, I was out of a debt I had owed for the past two years, and then sadly, after that, my room mates left me with about 750 dollars to pay and disapeared. I'm here to finally say that I'm free from the web they wove me. And in a way, I wove it myself.

Brady has been telling me lately that there are so many things he's been through, but he's finally getting to the point where he can sit back and smile, and learn from it all rather than be bitter. *shrug*
I know that there are a lot of things I should be greatful for, and believe me when I say that it's been a long time coming, but you can't help but wonder and be crushed by the sheer weight of some of the things that I've been through over the past two years. *sigh*

Part of me can only shake my head. Sure, I know I've got my own signature on the contract to most all of these things, but some of them aren't so bad.

Anyway, how did I do it? Well, I had a garage sale today -- after selling lots of my possesions, including friendships and sleep at work trying to get the money. I've spent tons of time under-the-hole at the bank, but after this sale, I'm out. And I can't tell you how much it relaxes me.

But even at a garage sale, you find things to learn about. Things about responsibility, integrity, greed...
Seeing as I don't have much time to get ready for work, I'll have to leave that for another entry, if I remember. God bless you all.

Up and Down

Be in constant guard and meditation. It's easy to fall asleep, but when you do, do not be upset, just pick it up again. --myspace blog

---

Ironic. I seem to know myself more than I could possibly guess at times. I know when I'm going to mess up, before it happens. I know that I'm going to be weak to the enemy. And here I say to those around me that they cannot let it bother them. Should it, though? If we... if I just ignore the fact that I slipped up, does that play to the enemy? Or does it make me strong in that I'm not dwelling on it, feeling guilty?

I wish that throughout the Bible, certain things would be addressed more clearly... Then again, I suppose if they were, would we really be in the same kind of religion we are in? In the freedom we have been granted, because everything is so... gray? *sigh* I'm hurt, and I continually pull of the scabs.

It's Been A Bit

Slade is... well, better. Up to his old antics, at least (i.e. drinking, swearing, et cetera...)

Dion was still in the Hospital last I checked. I visited him. There was a horrible scare over the past weekend, and it seemed that no one was doing well... long story. Anyway, as of Tuesday, this is the news. Thanks for all the prayer, and please don't stop. There are always things to petition about: government, wars, health, God moving, loved ones, ones we've lost... So keep it up. And, while you're at it, please pray for the family of Brady.

Recap

My first shift back in the bar was probably twice as hectic as my very first shift in there, and with half the profits all in one dollar bills. I've been working a lot lately, gaining stature where I've lost my ground. There are new faces around, and awkwardly enough, I'm appear to hold a the place in people's minds with the most say for someone who doesn't have any official titles (trainer and bartender aside). After all, you cannot argue very well with a mass whose minds are singular in who they go to for help -- and who they like. Not to brag, but it almost makes me want to go to the GM and say "shove it."

Topping all that off with some boiling hot watter poured on my foot ;], this has been a fun week.

More importantly, Slade is OK as far as yesterday, and Dion is healing quickly, so an ever-grateful thanks to those of you who stood the gap for their bodies.

"Intercede"

I have a friend who isn't doing so well. His name is Slade, and he has a kidney infection. Or two. It's unclear. But he's been sick for going on two weeks now, and I, for one, feel a little bothered. I don't know the stats for this sort of sickness, but I'd rather not find out first hand.

So if you pray, please do so. Just take out a few minutes of your day And pray for him; that God would heal him, and that God would receive full glory for it.

Also, while you're praying, do so for this guy, too. -- myspace blog

---

I don't know much about Dion (the second guy), or about Slade -- outside of worklife, but I do know that these are some amazing guys who have known the work of the Lord whether it was obvious at the time or not. So please, just take a few minutes; who knows, in a personal way, it could be that spark you're looking for to relight the Fire.

Fever Dream

it turns out i don't work tonight. huzzah. what shall i do? maybe go work out, because i know i need to *pokes fat* ;p. work in a few pictures in photoshop. practicar guitar. read the bible, pray, worship. there's a lot. i could go up to school and see if they'll let me have the schedule i want. ... well... haha. i could. -- myspace blog

---

I was just wandering around town earlier. Scratch that. I was driving out to the DH to lift some weights. My mind was wandering. It has been doing that a lot lately. It seems I've found myself in an interesting place. As time has gone by, I've grown older in years, and I've learned a few new tricks, but I've lost what it really meant to be me. I've lost what really matters. Love.

It's not just me. I think a lot of people have lost it. But how I envy those who still have it. I am jealous, in that I wish I could feel it, too. Sure, there are people around me who show me things, and smile when I'm there, but it's when I'm not there that things go south. It is the fact that I've found myself in league with people who don't do things for their friends -- for the ones who've done things for them. It is the fact that I've found myself distant with the ones I had first fallen in love with; I think that breaks my heart the most.

I can admit that people change. I've done it; others do it, too. Once I was asked if I had any regrets. I couldn't be sure at the time. By no means did I deny that I had any, and so instead claimed an unknown many. Now I remember why I've been sad. I regret that I've had such problems with God. I regret that I'd walked away from the Church two years ago. I regret that prior to that I slowly and quietly edged farther away from the people who really did care.
The distance that connects us brings me to tears when I think on it, and those tears come spilling over when I realize that it was my fault; that I did nothing to prevent it, and instead urged its occurence.

People cannot live in the past. It is from the past that we learn, and build today for the future. It is in worrying for the future, and wallowing for the past that Man finds his demise. But what have we of the time that is called Today?
"Encourage each other day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin..." [Heb.3.13|NASB]
Are we not meant to be Lovers? And even those who love still pine for its return.

I long for a friend who is by my side as I am by his. Loyal, and honest. Caring and true. A Jonathan for a David.

I'm With the Band

I'm at Brady's pad with Peanut, and they're just jammin' out right now. If I had a recording of the thing, I'd post it on here, but I do not.

Alas. [a cornucopia of love]... er... just the alas will do.

Anyway. These guys rock my socks off... which isn't ever a bad thing. Peanut's blog can be found here; Brady's here. well... I'll get those worked out soon :]

addendum:

Active links have been embeded leading to where I mentioned above. If those don't work, or you're too lazy to scroll down to this post every time, well... bookmark them. Or just click on the sidebar. geeze. :][1230|7.10]

What I Know

Isn't much. And what I'd like to know, isn't enough.

I spent the whole day alone yesterday. I did nothing, until later on in the night when I went out to finally set up my pipe to be used. The cavendish I had bought is very sharp; it burns my mouth, so I don't think I'll be smoking it so much, if at all. Oh well, it was only two dollars.

It's is something quite different to spend a whole day alone. Especially after you get home from a trip where that is all you are. Maybe it's just me, but I thought that I would be able to spend time with friends I hadn't seen in a long time. Almost as if this trip I took was the reset button on a game that had gone horribly wrong. Well... I was invited to go watch Superman with the guys, but I didn't have any money... Irony at some of it's finer tunings.

The more I see the less I know the more I'd like to let it go.

Inheritance

What I have to inherit is more than what I had spent my childhood dreaming about: a cubicle with a view walled in shades of gray carpeted dividers, business suits of similar array, a car, a wife, a kid, a house.
Well, I suppose it is less, in a way. At least, right now, that is. What I have discovered I am to inherit as I cross the line in the winter to the Golden Land is a family that is more there for me than I had expected. I have to admit to all you rabid readers that I am quite in shock. I am left floundering in the aftermath of a wave of ecstasy.

Turning my mind to former things – that is to say, the things that held my attention for much too long before I so graciously took my leave – I cannot help but realize that this trip was nothing more than an extended sleep for these things in that it only left them undone for the time being. The worse of it is that instead of everyone being on their own at rest, and nothing happening on either side, there are days and days that have gone by; all of which will be accounted for at one point by any one of the people involved… *sigh*
But that is for another time.

My Mother’s family has taken quite strongly to the idea of me becoming an Acupuncturist, and they have rallied around me in a shocking manner. We’ll have to wait and see how it works out in the end, but my cousin Andy is willing to partner with me already. As excited as that makes me to do what I want to do, I noticed, also, that it has loaded me down with some expectations, and in that regard, I am nervous. Still I will try to do my best. Tomorrow is my chance to get a good look at this college: Open House. Wish me luck, and I hope I can tell you all about it when I get the chance. :]

On The Phone

"Hello?" the voice through the earpiece was deep and mellow; groggy.

"Did I wake you?" Slight humor filled the "yeah" that replied. "Sorry, I'm just returning your call. I got off work quite a bit later than I had anticipated." I had hoped it wasn't too late to start a conversation; to fix the things that had been wrong since last weekend.

"Huh," plain and simple; he didn't seem interrested. In fact, I am not scared to suppose he was annoyed, but there was still that bit of humor in its tone -- something you can't shake out of your head when you think about it too long.

"I was just calling to say 'bye'." I don't know why I said it that bluntly. "Ok... bye," I think I had hoped somewhere in side of me that he would remember -- I always seem to have my heart bent on those brightly gilt false hopes -- "Maybe tomorrow or something."

"No... that is why I was calling. You wont see me tomorrow. Or the day after... That's why I'm calling to say 'bye'." I don't think he noticed my pause. He couldn't have, else he probably would have said something other than "ok, bye."

He got me, "... ok." There was a quiver in my softspoken surrender that time.

Something he couldn't have missed. I don't know who hung up first... but I know that there were several seconds of dead air after that. And then I hit the end button and looked at my phone face. It flashed the seconds. Whoever had done it, it happened after that silence. That awkward, annoyed silence. And is it my fault? No. I had told them I was going. I had told him. I hate it. I hate how I hold people up to standards they don't ever seem to achieve.

Now I'm stuck. I know who the people around me are; what they are.... But I end up looking bad.

I still feel empty.

On a brighter note, I managed to get some money into debt pool and now it is significantly reduced for a period of time. We'll see how well that all goes... though I can't help but feel some strange sigh of satisfaction at myself.

---

I think a lot lately. I drive around, down the city streets, and I find myself wondering what life would be like had I been somewhere else... you know, before all this happened. All this. ... Even still, as I raise my hand to gesture towards the list of things I wish had never happened to me in the past six months... in the past two years, I can only stop to think about what kind of ignorant child I'd still be had it not. Though I can no longer feel content with the kind of life I've been leading -- stressed to the marrow by the dire straits inflicted by my more dear loved ones -- I do think it is somewhat a comfort to know that I'm me, still; me in all the mess, and when anyone looks in my direction, that is what they will see.

Hard to follow? A new friend has said it as "genuine."

John::You're... I don't know... Don't be offended or wierd, but you're genuine. Honestly genuine. From the moment I shook your hand, I felt relaxed, and I knew it, in my heart. I knew that you were genuine, and there aren't many of you, if a handful.

What More?

I'm taking the front row seat to my own demise. 1,000 dollars in debt, a trip in two days, and not a word of concern or desire from my friends.

My heart is hurting and none exist to calm the storm. And when I see them next, I know they will ask me where I've been. But... It would be nice to have them call me. It would be nice to know they care.

Say a prayer for me. A prayer that God will be there for me. Financially. Emotionally.

Eleven Days

Well, this has turned out to be a summer I cannot easily say is a poor one, or one to enjoy. I know I've already mentioned it, but I'll do it again, as long as I'm caught off guard by it. Seeing as how that keeps happening, I wonder if I should just stop assuming that everything will go the way I want it to. When did I start expecting everything to go right? Especially after this past year going so... not well.

... haha...

I guess I haven't grown up enough to realize that things will always come as a surprise when you expect them not to. But, speaking of growing older, I turn 21 [see title] soon. Hooray. I'm not as worried about it this time, as I was last year when I seemed to undergo a pre-mid-life-crisis.

That's not to say I don't have my own book of problems this year around. For instance, I'm looking for another job. Well, actually, by the end of tonight, I am left wondering whether or not I should actually do that. The thing is, too much happened on Thursday that, while I had the capability to control and prevent, I wasn't paying enough attention. So, under the premise of "I don't care enough about my job," I lost my rights to the bar, and my title as a trainer. I do find it interesting that it comes as an I-have-the-last-word sort of blow from my GM. Notibly, I feel that if he (the others as well) feels that the best thing for me is to take away something I presumably have no care for rather than to encourage me and explain the need for a care (without stating that I don't care about it), then there is no need for me to continue in my service to that company.

A long wait and list of flowery words later, I decided I was going to quit, but I informed the manager who the GM had left with the task of informing me of my demotion that I would be attempting to secure another job before I put my official 2-week notice in. Tomorrow I will have another talk with them, I suppose, in an attempt to discover exactly how much of my duties have been revoked, and about what I have thought about. While I bear a strong distaste for working with the GM as of current, I don't have the time to find another job -- most would refuse to hire someone who was leaving in the winter -- and I've worked with him before while we were not talking. There are things about him that I like, and things that I am not very impressed by, not that it is mine to say whether something is wrong or right. However, I do feel that a manager should be more of an adult when compared to his sub-staff.

*sigh* With that I'll retire. But I'll interject my apology for only updating drastic information. I'm sure you all think my life is either rather boring, or too hectic. *shrug* Still, I trudge on, whether it is either, and I hope that in the near future I'll be able to maintain decent intercourse on my thoughts and my life, and in turn finish that story about Ruidoso.

Goodnight.

Dani California

Who I am is where I've been. First, the title of this entry is from the Red Hot Chili Peppers song of the same name. The sound of this piece is something that seems to haunt me in the quiet hours of the night when I feel that there is none aside from God watching and waiting for me to open up my mouth and speak...

I've had a rough start; this summer is not anything special to me. In fact, I don't quite know what to do with myself now that I school is in lacking, and when I'm not at work all I can do is sit around. If I don't call people, they don't call me. They wonder where I've been, and what I've been up to, because for some strange reason I can get lost and no one notices until they see me again. It is as if I'm some sort of anomally, like a comet, and once I'm gone, no one remembers my name, or where I've come from.

It is enough for me to try and not be bitter about the things I cannot change in the past, and even though I have enough wounds criss-crossing this open heart of mine I cannot seem to hide it to save my life. I cannot easily put into words the way I feel when I am around my friends, or those who would call themselves such. Still, after six months -- at this time -- I am able to say I would rather be alone, and feel that way, than around anyone and feel alone.