Recovery

I learned the hard way that they all say things you wanna hear... -- Love Song, Sara Bareilles

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February has been spent mostly at home to try and do better at saving money, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to stay put. I ended up going down to Austin with my friends to support them in their Marathon, and I'm proud to say it was incredibly fun. They did exceptionally well. The two who ran the half finished in about 2/1/2 hours and the guy who ran the full did it in about 5/1/2! I'm so proud of them.
As soon as we got home, I started getting sick, and that wasn't going well. The week went by and my sister came into town on Friday, but by that night, I was too sick to even stand, and resigned myself to my bed. Yesterday I felt better, but I continued to stay put and do nothing that would over-exert myself. Today is the first day I've gotten out and about, and I'm feeling someone good about it; tomorrow I'll be ready to go back to the gym and start working on my own half-marathon, which will hopefully happen in April.

In other news, I've gone back and forth with how I feel about a certain someone, and I can't say it's been good. At first I was too strongly into this idea of how he and I might actually be together, and I was sure of it, and others were sure of it, but the human heart is a fickle fickle thing, and well, as you can see (for I wouldn't be posting about this if it was different) I'm still quite alone. Though, that's not a bad thing. The annoying part is that after having made a point to say nothing and do nothing until he was ready, I did in fact go to Austin early, and that's when he called in on his card. I told him what was going on, and then we had a series of interesting conversations over text until Monday. Monday had come along, and while I'm getting sick, a mutual friend appears and asks if I knew where the boy had gotten off to. When I told him where he was, the friend revealed that the boy had gone without saying a word to anyone and that things haven't been going so well in the House. While I had known a bit of the uneasiness going on, what I was surprised by was the fact that the whole while he was telling me, and the others, that he was working and was really busy, he was in fact sitting around and doing nothing, or sleeping in. I didn't know exactly how to react to this, and started to get a bit frustrated. I invited the mutual friend out for a smoke, and when he said he didn't, I told him I didn't either. Once outside, I explained to him as I lighted up that smoking helped to calm me down, but other than in really stressful situations I had quit. He looked at me for a moment and then said, "You care a lot about him."

Caught a bit off guard, I looked up and nodded. "Of course I do, and I know I shouldn't, but I do..." and then I started to rationalise the whole situation out loud, as if I needed to hear it as well. I said I knew he should be able to take care of himself, but that sometimes he didn't, and that's what bothered me. I knew I should let him do it, but that was the hard part... And there was silence. Neither of us spoke for a while, and that was a bit frustrating... and it hit me. What had I said at that party several weeks ago? Had I revealed that I felt a certain way about the boy without my knowledge of it? There were holes and gaps in my memory, sure, but I figured I would have remembered that particular conversation with anyone... but nothing came to mind, and the mutual friend didn't mention anything more.

So that's where I am today, and that's quite a condensed version for you all, even though it's quite long -- my apologies. What I hope to gain from all this is the ability to walk away securely and know where my heart lies, but as it stands, my heart is wrapped up in the middle of this whole situation, and while I may be able to untangle it bit by bit, it is still more like a knotted wad of yarn than anything else. So... wish me luck.