My Response, "There is..."

such a fine line between life and death
right and wrong;
am I laughing or do I cry?

I want to let you know how incredibly glad I am that you responded. I figured you were online last night, but after seeing no response for a bit, I decided bed was a good idea. I started out by going to those addresses you suggested, but what I saw was not what I expected.

The first picture made me laugh... at first, at least I think so. That was the one picture I had asked you to destroy... or cut me out of. I couldn't look at it for long though; a strange wave of emotion I could not quite put my finger on would wash over me, and my eyes would tear up. At the sametime, I knew I was laughing somehow, and it came out. After a few minutes, I checked the other pictures, and then returned to read the rest of your letter...

As I read, I felt a wave of burning rush over me, and I began to laugh/cry again. I'm not sure what it means.

Maybe, after all this time, maybe I'm free? Maybe I'm healed? Maybe whatever demon has been tormenting me has finally let loose its grip around my neck, and has fallen from my back where it has clinged for so long. Maybe. I don't know what it means, but I feel different; so maybe I am?

Your words are words of victory. They are our words, and you said them better than I could ever have. Adieu happens to be playing on iTunes as I write this, but iTunes was on random (though I had it in the CB section), so again... I can't believe in coincidence, either; you know that. Not after everything we've been through. No. But the reason for this all still haunts outside of my perception.

I don't guess I never stopped loving you. I couldn't have... I would have forgotten about you, but I didn't, and now I know that I do still care deeply for you. So be careful on your endeavors, wherever you're going, and I'll be waiting for your reply.

"My love for you burns deep inside me, so strong... embers of times we had. And now, here I stand, lost in a memory... I see your face, and smile."

Daniel `koa

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Thoughts On It All

you and I are wandering worlds
apart from each other, joined at the heart
-- Cosmic Dare (with a pretty pistol), The Seatbelts; CB_OST

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Would she be angry at me posting these letters on here? Probably, but I don't really think so. I am posting them up here for the world to see, or whatever world there is this time. I know I cannot hold this strange emotion in on my own, I need it to overflow, and this is the best way.

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She said, "I am...

falling
fading
drowning
help me to breathe...

You don't know how much I cried when I read this love...I had to smoke before writing this, because I miss you so much it hurts sometimes...

You've been on my mind non-stop since I met my new boyfriend...Tony is now the second friendship I've had that at all resembled the one I had with you (the first being Adam, my now former roomate)...

Besides telling Tony all these stories about my life,and the fact that many of the good ones involve you, I was looking for baby pictures to show him last night, and I found this:
http://i13.tinypic.com/2z8d9v5.jpg
http://i14.tinypic.com/2is8d4g.jpg
http://i13.tinypic.com/2s6t5ll.jpg

Maybe I'M just nostalgic, But I know this...You left a deep impression on my life...and a hole noone has been able to fill. You were the best friend anyone could ask for. You ARE the best friend anyone could ask for...I don't think you've been an "ass". We hurt each other a lot, helped each other heal, and though time and distance did everything they could, we are victorious.

Victorious how? Here is my proof and my point.

I've changed my mind about the army and I'm leaving for Mississippi on Wenesday. This decision was reached in one weeks time. Today, I have to tell my parents I'm leaving again...This time in a better situation, but it's still scary for them after the Sarah disaster. I have some kind of health problem causing my hair to fall out, i'm flat broke and I'm racked with guilt over my former drug abuse, former promiscuity, and worst of all, a miscarriage that has left me with nightmares every night ever since. I just got off the phone with Tony, I spent the night crying about how my life has gone wrong and how I've pushed so many people out of my world, and try as he might, he could not convince me otherwise.

As for you...

You were not looking for Adieu, you were looking for bleach (the chemical that is used to wash away stains, quite a metaphor if you ask me)....You came to tell me about it and it JUST SO HAPPENED that Tony asked me two nights ago to change the songs on my profile so he could hear more. I JUST SO HAPPENED to use Julia instead of My Heart, as originally planned.

You sent me this message right when I needed to hear it, and we now have a chance to regain a friendship that could potentially help us both get back a lot of what we lost. The timing was perfect. I don't believe in coincidence Dany. We are a success. Time, Distance, Anger, Pain, Seperation, Even lack of communication, are no match compared to the strong connection we built what now seems so long ago.

My love for you never died Daniel. It only grew. I don't know where I'm going, You don't know where your going, but I know a few places where I'm not going and you know a few places where your not going, together we know more than we know apart...and from what I've seen tonight, it's something beyond powerful.

I love you, Don't be afraid. I want to be your friend still, Seeing as how that hasn't changed in several years, I believe I always will.

-Chris

(so you know...[edited] the shaving of the head was not my choice...it started falling out, we think it's thyroid problems, but it could just be stress from moving away from Abilene, and the Remingtons picture was taken almost four months ago, back when I had hair *sad day*...at least Tony likes it. Punk. If I were to write a blog about you these days it would be full of I love you and I miss you, and none of that I hate you forever stuff...the difference? They have abandoned and given up on me forever...my friendship with you far surpasses that crap)

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A response...

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My Heart Is...

pounding,
failing,
hurting,
tearing.

you were in a dream of mine recently, but I don't remember what it was about.

I stayed up late to learn that tonight was the time to move our clocks back, but that wasn't why I did it. I did it because I wanted to see an episode of BLEACH and see what I was missing out on, but when I turned the channel, Cowboy Bebop was begining, and its song called out to me, because it was "Adieu".

And I was entranced, held to watch what I had forgotten about for so long, against my will. And Julia was there, and I felt... strange, dizzy.

And I came to tell you, and Julia was there, and her picture, and her song, and your voice, and I feel... strange. I don't know what it means; maybe I'm just nostalgic, and in pain for a place to belong the way we did in the past.

I'm sorry for being an ass; I know I've hurt you a lot, and I can't promise I wont hurt you again... but, you know, I do wish we could be friends agian. Or at least talk more often, maybe that's what I mean. You're the only person I could never run away from, despite all my threats and shortcomings.

I've got a blog again :: koabal85.blogspot.com .
It's not like the old days, but maybe it's safer? There were a lot of things we were naive to back then, but maybe we were full of hope. These days I feel... I don't know, darker; empty even. Even if the two of us could not be sure of where we were going, we could be sure we were going somewhere together. So... yeah... I'm sorry.

And I hope everything is going right for you.

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A letter to an old, dear friend.

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It's 5am

Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea...

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And I just stayed up all night to finish Son of a Witch, by Gregory Maguire. It is wonderful, but it leaves off with just as many unanswered questions as the first.

So in that manner...

Pain

The same problem tears me to pieces inside, and I'm left to wonder...--Same Problem, Waking Ashland

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In having to do another writing project for my CW class online, I found myself looking through my old journals. What I found surprised even me. It was a story I was going to write and have published; I felt it was the right thing to do at the time, but I never got around to finishing it. I don't remember why, actually, but I think it had something to do with the strong feelings it was eliciting in my heart. I remember telling myself I had to finish something else first, and I can recall reading the book A Separate Peace during that time. They were connected, somehow, the events of that year, and the book, but I wasn't sure. I had to finish reading that story again before I could put mine to paper.

There was a lot of dirt I was going to dig up on people around me, and I wasn't sure if I had the guts to do it. I couldn't bring myself to tear down and expose the naked truth of those who had dressed me up in follies and lies. The act of doing so seemed barbaric, as if I were fighting fire with fire. Sure, it makes sense: if there are lies, then tell the truth. But what if the truth was much harder to believe than the very pretense of it? What if everything around you had already been lost to those lies? The answer seems obvious, doesn't it? It seems like it would be a redeeming act to tell the truth and try to salvage what had been lost. The word "seems" is too prevalent.

I had lost almost everything in one fatal swoop. I was left alone by those near enough to lend comfort, and the ones who did were either gone or leaving the land of the eternal gray, the land that we live in now. The sky here is gray; either it is a pretense to a glorious dawn, or the failing light of day, and the night brings more sorrow than anyone can imagine. I cannot claim the rights to that bit of illustrative narration, because I borrowed it from a greater man, but perhaps it can be used to describe this city to a better effect. Most here are only feigning love, and half-truths form a rampant beast that devours the hearts of the innocent. It is a vampire that feeds on the living, and leaves behind it empty shells to rise again and repeat the same unfortunate events to the least suspecting.

It is funny, though, how one small piece of unfinished writing can cause so much pain.

Dreams

'And it shall be in the last days,' God says, 'that I will pour forth of my spirit on all mankind; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams;'--Peter quotes Joel, quoting God, Acts 2:17 [NASB]

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I thought I'd also mention how my dreams have been somewhat strange lately. I cannot place my finger on it exactly, but I've been dreaming strange things about strange people, and the ones that catch my eye are the ones I haven't talked to in a long time. I've also had strange dreams about my family, so those of you who read this, please keep this in prayer, and I'll let you all know what happens next.

If you're unsure what to pray about, just pray that God reveals the secrets of these night visions, or the truths of them, because we cannot immediately assume they're signs or portrayals of a possibility. And let me be the first to tell you that I hope they're not.

The Day After

Well the rain keeps on coming down; it feels like a flood in my head
And that road keeps on calling me, screaming to everything lying ahead...

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I have to be in class in a few minutes in order to get my review for my test on Wednesday, but I thought I'd stop by and give an update over what has been going on.

If I had not mentioned it, I am on a work-hiatus, and let me tell you, it is wonderful. Although, strangely enough, I feel like I'm just waisting my life away sitting around as I am, instead of enjoying it. One reason for this may be the fact that I have purchased an iPod for myself. I did that on Sunday -- yesterday, spending most, if not all, of the money I had been saving up for my break. Then, you know, it dawns on me that I was also saving that money for my trip to Las Vegas to see my brother, and my eventual relocation in San Diego. Funny. So here I am, needing another job.

I am proud of myself, though, because I would not have this without hard work, and I feel I have earned it.

In other news, I bought the iPod from Fry's Electronics, which you all should know doesn't exist in my neck-of-the-desert. This means I was in Dallas... for Jon's 21st birthday! Hooray. I loved the weekend, I had a lot of fun. My parents came up on Saturday, and Jon's family, and Butcher, Ellen, and Miles went out to eat lunch. Good times. My mom left for San Jose on Sunday, and she will not return until this Saturday night. I miss her already. But anyway, please keep all this in prayer because I need some more monies, but I don't know what to do. We'll see.

Ironic Observation #1

15 OCT 06

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We were on the patio at work. We had just got off of our first shift, and thank the good Lord, today was not as busy as the past two days. There were four girls out there with me, and eventually two of them left. The two sitting next to me got into some conversation about a man who quit the day before. One of them mentioned how he had pushed one of the girls at work; it might have been her, but I don't remember, because what the other girl said next caught my attention: "He must beat his wife."
"That is a horrible assumption." I didn't even look up from the book I had gotten for myself.
"No, it's not," she looked at me sideways and tried to justify her statement.
I cut her off, "Yes, it is. We cannot just assume he beats his wife just because he pushes a girl."
"Well, my friend gets beat by her husband, and he pushes girls."
"I push girls," I said, and I was still looking at my book. There was silence and I shrugged and looked up. "But I would never harm my wife."
"You shouldn't push girls anyway."
"Why not? If they deserve it," I let the rhetorhical fade away.
"Well, you shouldn't..."
I looked at them now, rather irritated. "If women want equality, they'll get it." And that was my final statement. They were both quiet after that, and I was sure I had offended the one right next to me, the one whom I had be arguing with. At the same time, I think she got the point. She made one more comment, that I actually agreed with -- something about how it still wasn't right, but that was the end of it.

I had a conversation later about it with another of my co-workers when we got off that night. She could agree with me, and we moved on to discuss how women have the desire to be equal, but still want to be treated better than most society -- and that was a paradox. Oh, the Irony of Women's Rights.

A Brief Update...

I just gotta get myself over me...--The First Single, Format

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In an effort to keep this blog going, I am posting a brief update from the past few days. And, no, the lyrics above aren't necessarily about me (are they?), but those were the lyrics I heard as I began this post, so there they are.

Remember those three people I wrote about several entries back? You know, Chris, Katie, and Joe. Well, Katie and Chris came into work Tuesday night with some new girl (whose name I cannot remember) and we chatted it up. Joe was missing, but not in a creepy way. That night was also my last night in the bar, which I realized this morning as I was copying my schedule from the internet so I would have it. It was... good. It wasn't too bad at all.

We have the windows open these days in the apartment. The weather is cool and quaint, and there is a smell of burning firewood often -- it is like having Christmas pass us up in October. I do find it hard to believe that Winter is actually coming, and that Halloween is just around the corner. I wanted to dress up like crazy this year, but I don't have any money. Suffice it to say, I probably wont be working that night, and if I am, well, then, it wont be for too long, because I'll be in training or something. I'm not worried.

I'm making A's in school, and so with this hiatus I'll be taking from work, I'll be able to put those to concrete, and study up. I'll also be able to work more on my Arts, which I'm all the more excited for. I have wanted to work on all this stuff, but the moment I actually sit down to do it, I lose all desire. I think it is because I have too much on my plate, and I'm long-past burnt out.

Still, the hard part is being cost-conscious. I have to go buy groceries tonight, and I have one crazy weekend ahead of me, workwise. The work I don't mind, because that is where my money will come from, but I'll have to deposit it or put it away so as not to spend it right out, and lose it all. Not this present weekend, but the weekend after, Matt and I will be going to visit Jon in Dallas for his 21st birthday. Huzzah.

Dum Dum Duuuuum

I went beta. um... about two days ago? So if you cannot comment at the moment, that's why. I cannot comment on your blogs either, unless you're beta. In the end, everything will work out.

I also got my hair cut. And after today, it should be completely straight... though, I'm afraid I've grown rather fond of these waves. I hope it ends up alright ...

Time to start the three longest days of the week *sigh*.

Exhaustion and Freedom

My heart goes dum... dah dum... boom dum daaaah~ for you--LOVE, this is my suitcase

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I just saw Open Season with Koles and Sunday. It was fun. Crazy movie, and I didn't know what I was getting into. The exhaustion I had built up the whole week long had finally caught up with me, and I was sitting in my chair and passed out, so I got in bed, and was in and out. Koles called me, and when I woke later I called them back in time to join them for the movie.

I'm not doing much productive in my spare time lately. Well, scratch that. I am working on my book a bit, and things like that. School has been "breezy" for the first several weeks, so I don't mind it at all. I haven't been working on my CW projects (i.e. observation), but when I get out of my job I'll be able to concentrate more effectively on school.

Speaking of which, I've been thinking for several months that I needed a break from work. I am burnt out on serving people, and I just need to be away for a bit. I want to focus on being just a student and pursuing my personal desires. I've already wasted my last free summer, and so I guess this is just my own way of striking out of the stress. I realize I wont be able to do this in a real career (whatever I get) too often, so I'm trying to be young and reckless while I still can! My last day is October 17th.

I'm adding my deviantArt gallery link to this page, so after tonight you will be able to locate it on the right side of this blog. Please note that unless otherwise specified, all these things are copyright of me. Forever.

deviantArt