It's Telling...

"These torpid vapors surround me. I... they make me weak; my very soul turns in agony in the depths of my breast."
The two exchanged glances, and then turned back to the young man with alacrity.
"What can we do," the girl asked.
"What can we do," the boy gestured.

---

Every now and then, I'm sure you've experienced it, the truth of what your life was supposed to be stands in front of you. Its radiant purity like raw gold. It is unique, rough, natural, and unmistakable; and you know it deep within the very depths of your bowels, whether you acknowledge it by name, or consider it faintly in your sleep.

It sings sweetly in your ear, and coaxes your sore muscles; it makes you to laugh and makes you to cry, and caries you to and from your Dreams. It is a pain more desirable than Joy, and more hated than Love. It is what nightmares are made of, and what miracles aspire to be.

The history of the Doppelganger can be found within it, and without, and it takes and gives breath as easily as the wind bends a lily in the field.

There is a story in my life that was never completed. There is a story in my life that was never began, and I feel it in my soul when it walks by, as though the echoes of another world harmonize within me, and the reverberations shake and torture my very shell.

In the Dark of the NIght

I got home late last night from Nashville, Tennessee, and I couldn't fall asleep. I don't know why or when it happened, but I remember standing in the middle of a small intersection of a dark downtown, and there was a large cat that coalesced from the shadows. He was at least a pace long, and his face was larger than that of a normal cat. His body was fluffy and furry and stuck out all around him like a dirigible in grays and whites and not one hair was out of place. He looked to me to be wise and very honorable, and he stood there, his tail raising only a little, but not twitching in curiosity or agitaiton. He looked at me and waited for my response, as many cats do.

A man and a boy came beside me, and looked at the cat, and as the boy tried to reach out to it, the man took his hand and calmly crossed the street, bending down to him in the way that fathers do, and said, "Don't bother it; come along." And I wondered if he was talking to me, though he never looked my way. I looked at the Cat again, ignoring what the man's advice, and set my shoulders. I bowed to the Cat, a deep low bow and gave it respect, and honor, and stood, feeling very tired and heavy.

The Feline was joined by two smaller cats, one white and orange in the same even blend, and the other black and gray, and the three walked around me as I stood there, held still as though cemented to the street. As the old Cat passed to my backside, I felt as though I couldn't stand up any longer, and exhaled, rocking backward. I gave in and decided I might as well just collapse, and that's what I did. As I fell backward, I felt heavier and heavier, and fell slower and slower, until I thought I surely must have hit the ground, but beyond the ground, a few feet down, I came to rest so gently on the pillow-top mattress in my parent's guest bedroom, and sank down into it, all my muscles going limp and weighted as though a heavy presence were on my body.

I felt exhausted, yet I was awake, and aware of my surroundings and what was happening to my body. What intersection had I been in that had been so cold and quiet, where cobblestones paved the road and one lone lamp lit the corner beside me, and buildings stood as silent darkened sentinel witnesses? Where had that man and that child come from and gone, and why hadn't I listened to him? Who was the wise old Cat, and what did he want with me? Was he still there with me? Was it a sign, or a spirit?

These thoughts floated through my head like autumnal leaves fresh landed atop a cold brook, and though they posed some form of conscious recognition of what had just taken place, I paid them no more heed than the time it took them to float away from me. I opened my eyes and looked around, wondering if I'd see the wizened old Beast in human form watching me, waiting to speak to me; or perhaps the man would be there, contemplating me and my decision, yet neither were, and I only found the pale walls and rotating fan of the starkly furnished room.

I spent a lot of time trying to pass on into sleep again, and when I finally did, several hours had passed. I knew nothing of what I dreamt later, or if I dreamed at all. I feel now that something is to be taken from that message, from that brief encounter with something far beyond my grasp, yet thoroughly within the bounds of my ever-expanding comprehension. Only, I know not what.

Searching

If there's every really anything that I can agree about myself, it's that I get bored easily. I get bored on games, on food, on people, on working, on sleeping, on playing, on being alone, on reading, on crafting, on art in general, on working out, on being lazy. I just get bored.

There are a lot of things that I want to talk about but I just don't know what to say about any of them. There are still a lot of questions I have for God, and for others, but I don't know how to word any of them.

I don't know who I am right now, because I can't manage to keep myself occupied with searching until I find that person.

Right now, I've got six of my closest friends Living at least an hour away from me. That's not bad, you say, but the closest one is too busy to keep in touch (you know who you are, haha), and the farthest one is doing his own thing. I take my time, and I go and look at the Bible, and I think about what God wants me to do, but all the same, I'm having trouble feeling God and hoping in the fact that He's really there and that I still have a chance, even after all I've done, and am still doing. All that being said, how easy is it to change the way you are over one simple feeling?

The Apostle Paul said, "The Holy Spirit spoke rightlyt hrough Isaiah the prophet to our fathers, saying, 'Go to this people and say: "Hearing you will hear, and shall not understand;
And seeing you will see, and not perceive;
For the hearts of this people have grown dull.
Their ears are hard of hearing,
And their eyes have closed,
Lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears,
Lest they should understand with their hearts and turn,
So that I should heal them."'"
He quoted Isaiah 6:9,10 as found in Acts 28:25-27... As much as I feel that is for others whom I know, I know it is for me as well...

Where I Am

There’s a sort of ambivalence in the atmosphere here where I live now.

A sort of peace from the sky and the temperature and the surroundings.

Though it’s only late June, and summer has just begun, I feel as though I am somehow already in mid-August back in San Diego, where the heat defined the way we lived as it oppressed and beleaguered even the mightiest of wills. This new country lacks what hills I could hope to call Heights, and lows Valleys, and what’s more, an Ocean consistently tearing down and building up the Western Reaches of the city. An ocean at all would be something, but regardless what’s missing, it feels like home, and I can’t begin to say how wonderful it feels to finally feel like I might belong in a place.

There weren’t many days that passed without me thinking back on the life I had there, in the Garden State, on the Heights, by myself; there aren’t many days that go by when I don’t think about how life could have been had I stayed there, and stuck it out, fought through the sorrow and the anger, and the detachment from my family and those I thought I had loved and had loved me.

Now it seems some days come and go without me feeling like I’m missing something important from that life, from that version of me. I can’t begin to explain how I feel the symmetry, the resonance of this place and that. I still long for the Long Shores and the Cold Nights so full of Noise, but spent alone; the smell of steel and garbage so pure and heavy in the misty air, mixed with the salty sea wind; the laughter and the smiles of all my childhood past, the tears and the quiet shock, as well.

There’s something there.
There’s something here.
And here is where I am.

The Rest from Today

Here is the rest of the conversation from Today with @mikecollor, who is an Iran Nationalist, and possible Basiji. I bowed down to the situation, because there was nothing more I could say. But if he ever sees this, I hope he doesn't think I'm against him. I just want to be able to help, so I retire and withdraw to pray.

I Wish Someone Knew...

I wish there were someone who knew what was going on in this conversation with me. Someone who could stand next to me, and perhaps offer some sort of mediation between @mikecollor and I on Twitter... I feel like there are so many barriers, and Religion and the refusal to accept that people aren't out to get Islam, and the language barrier, and the fact that I'm kafir, or infidel, by defacto, and that seems right. I don't want the wars of our Fathers! I don't want the numb words, and the hollow hate, and the dim future just because that's the way "it has always been!"

I logged off today for a while, and when I came back, I found this:


It seems I'm a conversational target, or something. I hope things don't turn for the worse here...

Thick-headed

I've been arguing with this user... We are pretty sure he's a Government spammer. At one point he messaged me and called me a spammer, as well, and told me not to be shy.

The conversation has escalated, and he seems to be devoutly Shi'ite, though I can't be sure. Here is the beginning and the second part of the conversation. I don't know if it is over or not, but I just keep trying to keep it on topic of the Election situation in Iran, and not on Americans or Israelis (oddly).




And here's a snap of his profile header...

The Twitterfront

It's strange. I never thought I'd be so political. I never thought I'd use Twitter. I never thought I'd still be where I was, trying desperately to get out and get somewhere more "worthwhile"... or at least I thought...

It's strange how things can change faster than you can blink. Overstated, probably, but true enough.

I live in the United States, and not really in any place that would be considered "a great stay". Nothing much happens here, but this area is known world-wide for it's hands-on approach to world events. What's interesting to me though, is that all the things I hadn't thought would have a hand in defining me do.

This is a link to a blog where I was quoted from Twitter, where things have been heating up concerning the Iran Election on June 12, and the murder of Neda on June 20 (my birthday -- not that that matters, but it brings things into perspetive). You can read the entry here.

I want to do more. I don't know what to do. I want to spread the truth, but there's so much clutter in the atmosphere. I want to help. God let us help. Help them. Allahu Akbar.

Commandeered

I'm just commandeering this blog for a second (thanks to Chris -- sorry, love, but I felt the need to spread the word, and you've got a few readers more than I, I think... hah)

---

I found this link on Twitter, but I'm posting it here. Please... be warned, these can be graphic. However, we need to know!

http://tinyurl.com/ll8a9l

It's a link to another blogger put up by someone who can get access to videos of Tehran.

Daniel "`koa"

You Need To Know!

I found this link on Twitter, but I'm posting it here. Please... be warned, these can be graphic. However, we need to know!

http://tinyurl.com/ll8a9l

It's a link to another blogger put up by someone who can get access to videos of Tehran.

Daniel "`koa"

It's Time

Try to remind myself that I was happy here
Before I knew that I could get on a plane
And fly away from the road
Where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can watch the sunset...
And take my time...
Take all our time... -- Sand In My Shoes, Dido

---

It's time again I changed where I am. It may seem sudden, but in truth it's long overdue. I wasn't supposed to be here for more than a year, and two years after that, I'm realising where all my problems are stemmed from.

To those of you who I will be leaving behind, I'm sorry. Yet, at the same time, I regret nothing. I've learned a lot in my time here, and I've loved a lot, and hurt a lot, and smiled a lot and cried a lot, but it's my time with you that's meant so much to me. You are a part of my life, whether we like it or not (and I think we do), and what's more, you are a part of who I am as a person. My heart always holds a special place for you, and I will think of you often. That being said, this isn't goodbye! We will see each other again! We will spend time together again; we shall congregate in the smoke-filled rooms and in the silent streets at night, in the bright lights of the city or out in the fallow fields of the country.

I love you as I love myself, and I think I always will. Please, be happy for me, because this is the beginning of my freedom, or the long-needed continuation of the rest of my life.

How I Feel Today

This is a bit of what I've written from my positional feelings...

---

This land, mysterious to all but those who roamed there, was named by my friend, Eric and I, in our time of need. We wandered to and fro, not caring about who or what we would venture across, but about the land, and the lay of the land, and the things that that land held for us to use. And the things we could make from it! Oh, the things. What was there in life, but to want to live on your own and wander freely, and make your own living!

Things like that wouldn’t last for long. There was a time in my life when things went wrong. There was a time in my life when things weren’t as they should have been.

Living in my imagined solitude in the the Northern Country, I found solutions to the strangest of life’s quandaries. I found I held alone in my mind the inventions I needed to survive, and to make the world a better place! What need of the world as it was did I have, even then in 1998? Even then, at the end of a decade where the world around me had finally begun to find where it needed to go from such variety as previous decades proffered. At the end of a century of Change, of Revolution, of Death and Rebirth!

What need did I have of a life that was ready to live, and full of exciting change and discovery? I wouldn’t know until nearly five years later, but for now, there was a whole world in the wilderness of the American Backdoors; that indiscernible future that was feet from my front door! I could walk for only ten minutes and find myself in an a questionable reality I could only later hope for, for at that time, I hadn’t know that it existed in my everyday life as real as it was.

The Secret of My Youth

You talk too much, your life is safe in my hands! -- Drink With Me, Les Miserables

---

Take this, an excerpt from a bit of free-writing...

This land, mysterious to all but those who roamed there, was named by my friend, Eric and I, in our time of need. We wandered to and fro, not caring about who or what we would venture across, but about the land, and the lay of the land, and the things that that land held for us to use. And the things we could make from it! Oh, the things. What was there in life, but to want to live on your own and wander freely, and make your own living!

Things like that wouldn’t last for long. There was a time in my life when things went wrong. There was a time in my life when things weren’t as they should have been.

Living in my imagined solitude in the the Northern Country, I found solutions to the strangest of life’s quandaries. I found I held alone in my mind the inventions I needed to survive, and to make the world a better place! What need of the world as it was did I have, even then in 1998? Even then, at the end of a decade where the world around me had finally begun to find where it needed to go from such variety as previous decades proffered. At the end of a century of Change, of Revolution, of Death and Rebirth!

What need did I have of a life that was ready to live, and full of exciting change and discovery? I wouldn’t know until nearly five years later, but for now, there was a whole world in the wilderness of the American Backdoors; that indiscernible future that was feet from my front door! I could walk for only ten minutes and find myself in an a questionable reality I could only later hope for, for at that time, I hadn’t know that it existed in my everyday life as real as it was.

200

I know it's only in my mind
And I'm talking to myself, and not to him... -- On My Own, Les Miserables

---

I've seen posted about the internet in various places notes of seeming respect for people I've known, and quite honestly, it's a bit disgusting. Harsh as it may sound, I've got some backing; but to explain, these notes are small clippings from one person-or-another's private lives. Things they've "figured out" for themselves and he or she has taken it upon themselves (how righteous) to share with the rest of the belly-slithering populace what beautiful truths they've discovered! Truths about life, and themselves, and the State, and Love, and Tolerance... but what has really happened, is they're finally realising things a lot later than they should have, because they've been trapped in a box where each wall was a mirror, and so all that person knows is what they see, and damn, they look good.

I've dealt with a lot of this lately. In my life, I've come across quite a few people who aren't as emotionally or mentally advanced as me, and that sounds pious, I agree, but it's truth. I've always been more mature in many ways than my peers, and even than some of those ahead of me in years and experience. Everyone experiences things differently and at different times, and with different cross-references, but that doesn't mean you should block things out when they need to be learned, or something is right in front of your own face!

At this point, I want to say that I've got things to learn! I've got things I've not seen, and things I don't know, and I've got room to grow! But I'm willing to! That's the difference! I'm willing to see the diferences between people, and to accept them, whether I like them or not; I'm willing to move on past the trivial, and see what's more important, and that is Love, and Tolerance, and Life... and I'm willing to sacrifice my own for someone else... And that's a lesson we all should learn.

n

On My Own -- Les Miserables

---

It'll have been one week, Friday since I bought an iPhone. I have alreay made one post with it (see previous) and I am quite pleased. There was only one spelling error on that one. The keyboard takes some getting used to, my thumbs aren't as pointy as some, but the auto-correct feature isn't off-skelter most of the time.

The reason I'm writing this is to keep you all avid readers in touch with what I've been doing and where I've been, and also to lament that iPhone's are by no means fool-hardy. Already I can see light emitting through a small bit of separation on my screen (where the volume keys are located on the side, on the face), and tomorrow I plan on taking it in for a quick check. Perhaps I will look into getting an Otter Case sooner than I anticipated; that too might be a wise investment.

At any rate I have been out, back and forth between home and San Angelo to get ready for an impending move. I know SA isn't abig city like I'm used to, but I am definitely ready for the "vacation" from all the people who think they know me where I am currently. I'll keep tabs on the whole process as it ... Progresses.

It's incredibly early as usual and I'm waiting outside work to get started. What's different about this foggy monday is that today is the day I tell my manager I'm leaving his store. I'm only a little nervous, but I think it'll go well.

I have been having strange dreams lately, but I've not been writing them down like I should. In last night's I wasdriving down the spur and listened to someone else as they told me to shoot at the person in front if me, so I shot 8 or 9 rounds out of a 9mm. That person stopped and shot back at me with a riffle, but left due to all my friends sitting around watching. I spent the rest off the dean worrying they'd find me.

A Hole in the Bucket

Everyone's at it... -- Lily Allen

---

I dropped my computer yesterday. It hurt my heart. At the same time, I wasn't all too surprised. I'm rather clumsy when it comes down to it, and that was just another drop in the bucket. The hole comes in when I headed over to the nearest Best Buy and purchased a new Apple MacBook. Mad fat cash right there.

I'm happy with it, though, and it's everything I've ever wanted it to be. Interestingly enough, their programs are cheaper than Microsoft's, and more user friendly. So... here's to me being happy (if a little broke).

Wolverine, Origins

Cocaine in Montreal and back out on the plane, baby... -- Smoke Baby, Hawksley Workman

---

I saw the new X-men Origins movie. I liked it. There were some questions it brought up though, and I'll say them now:

First, I didn't know that Emma Frost had a sister.
Second, I didn't realise Scott had been involved.
Third, I wondered why Emma didn't use her Telepathy, though I suppose she did learn more about that later from the Professor.
Fourth, I wanted a relief from the sexual tension between Sabertooth and Wolverine.
Fifth, and this isn't necessarily a complaint so much as a healthy note, sometimes the oversimplification of complicated plots can lend more to a show and storyline than anything else.
Sixth, William Stryker's future self (as portrayed in X3) is a lot different than in this movie... You don't understand why until the end, and that's all fine, but how did he get shorter?
Seventh, What happened to all the mutants left in cryogenic stasis?

If you haven't yet seen the movie by the time you read this, I'm sorry, just ignore the fact that I've said it all. However, if you are considering not seeing the movie on account of what I've said, please, do go see it. It's quite worthy of a movie; it is a small plug in the lifeline of the great X-MEN universe (albeit a whispy collection of cannon and non-cannon events).

On the whole, I enjoyed it, and found myself wanting more. Even if the overall solution to the complicated myriad plot-lines was a little... oversimplified. I've still yet to learn how cannon it all is. I'd like to think it is, though I'll be left to find the answer.

Piers My Heart and Let Me Bleed

To the West then I looked...
And saw a deep dale - Death, as I believe,
Dwelled in that place, along with wicked spirits... -- Piers Plowman C Version, William Langland

---

Lately the weather has taken a turn for the worse. It's April, damnit, but there's been no rain. All we've seen for the past week or so is the impending doom of rain and terrible storms, but nothing has come of it yet. It's been ... terrible to say the least. Such pressure has been building up all around the country side and in the city, and not just barometrically. I can't begin to wonder what it's side-along with.

For a long time, and even still, many of the denizens here believe that our city is protected from several things by an impenetrable bubble of Spirit power fueled by the prayers and beliefs of the community. I can't help but agree, though sometimes it reacts in strange ways. The Barrier has often been accused of keeping rain out of the area where we need it most, and storms that should be hitting us straight on dissipate as they approach the borders, or create holes and go around us entirely. There are times, though, that people get together to correct the misalignment of the Barrier, and rain happens almost immediately. You all must think I'm insane for writing about such an arguable subject. Surely there's no such thing in the world; for all intensive purposes, it does sound improbable. However, it's not a joke -- I'm quite serious when I say the faith of the citizens of this Texas town is strong, whether they realise it or not.

When it comes down to what's been going on lately, there's been unrest in animals of all sorts, and people have been rather tense about the "uncontrolled government spending" and the "Tea Parties" and other things. The weather has built up some incredible pressure and throughout the night will shudder and send shock waves through the sky. Last night was the worst yet, and while some rain broke out, I can only see it as the inevitable release of such accumulated energy... On the same note, I can only hope that things don't turn sour for our city. Let rain come soon, and gently; not only to the dried up grounds, but to the people and their spirits.

Into the Waters

Desire, it carries me on;
My exile has come and has gone. -- Frustration, the Whip

---

I finally got back into the pool today, after what seemed an eternity of being out of town, the pool being under construction, and being injured. Everything's great. The pool felt amazing, and clean, and was brand new, and I practiced some dives even. I feel good. The funk I've been in for the past few weeks is finally starting to fade away, and that's a good thing.

I do have to say, I didn't get that promotion at work I was aiming for, but that's alright, too. I can't imagine how busy I'd be -- and not to mention stressed, had I gotten it instead of the other person. I want to see it as a blessing for right now, even though I'm still a bit bitter. That should go away.

I've been thinking a lot about moving, though. Moving away from home, but I know what that's like, and what that entails. I can't imagine doing it right now, either, though. It seems like there's a lot on my mind I can't seem to stop thinking about... College is one of those. I need to get back into school. Wish me luck.

Imperial America

-- I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and this is what came up... I don't know where it will go from here, but at least I've got my mind going...

---

I've been around a lot lately. Around the country, that is. Things still look the same as they did a few years ago. For the most part. There are major differences, of course, including more hoodlums and more ghettos. More neon signs and more multi-lane high-ways. More foreigners and less respect for elders.

Why the imperialism?
Perhaps it's because they want a more world-friendly outlook, but the world itself isn't friendly looking back.
Perhaps it's because they want to have more exposure to different cultures, but the other cultures are becoming more like us.
Perhaps it's because foreign makes are the best available, but American-crafted items used to be world-renown for their quality.
Perhaps it's because they think we're the only ones who can save the world, but they're the reason most wars didn't end ten years ago.

So, why Imperial America? Shouldn't it just be the measurement system that retains that name? I don't mind it; in fact, it sounds rather lovely, Imperial Units. Of course, those weren't American to begin with, anyway.

What does it mean to be an American? So many people these days argue that and "American", for all intensive purposes, could be anyone from the Western Continents, yet we continue to demand the right of the name, and the precedence over other states. What does it mean to be a citizen of the United States?

Even with all the changes we've had over the past year, the economic downfall included, there haven't been many defining moments for the U.S., and there should be. There should have been. What defines us as a country is brought from other places. And that's fine. We've been known as the "melting pot" of all the world cultures... but what defines us? What makes us different?

Where are the scientists from the last century? Where are the learned scholars in D.C.? Where are the mechanical pioneers from Big and Bold U.S.A., those Shining Stars of the past?

Who are we?
Who am I?

From the Front Lines

We laughed off the quick tricks
and the old men with limp dicks -- The Bus Mall, The Decemberists

---

This entry is coming to you from the new device, the nintendo DSi. Haven't heard of it? Well it's a lot like the initial psp's; I say that because I haven't touched the things (as much as I've wanted to) since I sold my initial one back in 2006. At any rate, it does music and picrure playback and has an SD card slot, all the things the psp was capable of. The diference, however, is that it can take its own pictures via 2 built in cameras, that's a whole two more than the psp, and one more than the iPhone. It can save these pictures to the standard sized SD card, which accepts high capacity and mini-adapters: I have a 2gig mini SD in mine, using an adapter right now. This uniqueness of course allows for the transfer of pictures to your computer. Interesting to note is that the outer camera is 3 megapixels, and the iner one is .3, both with a resolution of 640x480 [nintendo-dsi.org/info]; take it from me, these photos aren't half bad.

Furthermore, the new DSi has 133megahertz ARD processor and a now 16mb RAM - a vast improvement over the original DS. This is mostly used for the editing of photos and music, as well as the Opera-based browser that I am using right now. The future of hand-held gaming for both Nintendo and Sony are far from diving head-first ibto the digital ranges of the iPhone, but there is hope that a slow but steady entrance will come. I'll see about uploading some of my pictures once I get the chance, and bloggong more about this, but as for now - mostly due to an injury to my touch-screen hand - I'm signing off.

The Land of Rain

If I could escape, I would... -- Sweet Escape, Gwen Stefani

---

I've been spending a lot of time here in Washington, of course, I am a technical prisoner to Fort Lewis, but that hasn't stopped me from enjoying my stay.

I haven't had a chance -- a real chance to talk to my best friend Mike for so long, that I think I had nearly forgotten what it was like. Nervous ambiguity washed over me in the airport only once, but mostly excitement... and apprehension at flying -- something I hadn't done in seven years or so.

Entering the area was short of amazing. I happened to have the [un?]lucky experience of sitting between two pilots, and one happened to be from Seattle! He talked about the mountains and the sights and places I should go, and really helped me out when the turbulence got bad (there was a terrible stall at one point) by assuring me it was alright, my embarrassment aside.

If you want to see more pictures from my trip, and perhaps buy some prints (selfless plug), head over to my deviantArt site at www.toranohisui.deviantart.com and check it out. The picture from above is also there.

Wednesday I'll be home if the Lord wills it, and resting in Texas. Still this month is full of busy travel, so... wish me luck, and keep me in your prayers as well as Mike and his family. Lots of love from Fort Lewis.

Recovery

I learned the hard way that they all say things you wanna hear... -- Love Song, Sara Bareilles

---

February has been spent mostly at home to try and do better at saving money, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to stay put. I ended up going down to Austin with my friends to support them in their Marathon, and I'm proud to say it was incredibly fun. They did exceptionally well. The two who ran the half finished in about 2/1/2 hours and the guy who ran the full did it in about 5/1/2! I'm so proud of them.
As soon as we got home, I started getting sick, and that wasn't going well. The week went by and my sister came into town on Friday, but by that night, I was too sick to even stand, and resigned myself to my bed. Yesterday I felt better, but I continued to stay put and do nothing that would over-exert myself. Today is the first day I've gotten out and about, and I'm feeling someone good about it; tomorrow I'll be ready to go back to the gym and start working on my own half-marathon, which will hopefully happen in April.

In other news, I've gone back and forth with how I feel about a certain someone, and I can't say it's been good. At first I was too strongly into this idea of how he and I might actually be together, and I was sure of it, and others were sure of it, but the human heart is a fickle fickle thing, and well, as you can see (for I wouldn't be posting about this if it was different) I'm still quite alone. Though, that's not a bad thing. The annoying part is that after having made a point to say nothing and do nothing until he was ready, I did in fact go to Austin early, and that's when he called in on his card. I told him what was going on, and then we had a series of interesting conversations over text until Monday. Monday had come along, and while I'm getting sick, a mutual friend appears and asks if I knew where the boy had gotten off to. When I told him where he was, the friend revealed that the boy had gone without saying a word to anyone and that things haven't been going so well in the House. While I had known a bit of the uneasiness going on, what I was surprised by was the fact that the whole while he was telling me, and the others, that he was working and was really busy, he was in fact sitting around and doing nothing, or sleeping in. I didn't know exactly how to react to this, and started to get a bit frustrated. I invited the mutual friend out for a smoke, and when he said he didn't, I told him I didn't either. Once outside, I explained to him as I lighted up that smoking helped to calm me down, but other than in really stressful situations I had quit. He looked at me for a moment and then said, "You care a lot about him."

Caught a bit off guard, I looked up and nodded. "Of course I do, and I know I shouldn't, but I do..." and then I started to rationalise the whole situation out loud, as if I needed to hear it as well. I said I knew he should be able to take care of himself, but that sometimes he didn't, and that's what bothered me. I knew I should let him do it, but that was the hard part... And there was silence. Neither of us spoke for a while, and that was a bit frustrating... and it hit me. What had I said at that party several weeks ago? Had I revealed that I felt a certain way about the boy without my knowledge of it? There were holes and gaps in my memory, sure, but I figured I would have remembered that particular conversation with anyone... but nothing came to mind, and the mutual friend didn't mention anything more.

So that's where I am today, and that's quite a condensed version for you all, even though it's quite long -- my apologies. What I hope to gain from all this is the ability to walk away securely and know where my heart lies, but as it stands, my heart is wrapped up in the middle of this whole situation, and while I may be able to untangle it bit by bit, it is still more like a knotted wad of yarn than anything else. So... wish me luck.

Resolutionary

Mas aún que esto te amo -- Te Amo, Alexander Acha

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I find myself at the in the beginning stages of a new year with nothing but the same hopes and dreams that have been left unfinished since their creation, in some cases many years ago.

What do I hope to gain from this next year of my life, wherein I find myself still college-less, and another year older; still poor, and still in the city I have grown to hate more than sickness or poison?

I've managed to change on ething about me somewhat over the past years, and that is doing things for myself. I've noticed, however, that I'm able to see into the heart of matters that concern just that: my heart. Though, this fact having been changed, it hasn't done much for changing my opinion on such topics, nor has it granted me the ability to say no to others and actually do what I already know I need to do for myself.

I've fallen in love with a slue of people I cannot, and I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of... and even that admission does nothing to help me. My heart finds itself in still a more ragged state than before, if just more easily sorted through. Why can't I change who I am in this respect?

If you love someone, why can't you show that love for all it's worth? Why do we have to hide our emotions, and why do some people not realise the kind of damage and control they have over another? Why is it that I keep finding these fantastic people whom I cannot be with, and lines are crossed over and over again? Am I the only one with decency? Am I the only one with the Sight for such boundaries?