What Do You Think

When I say the name "Dustin Diamond?"

Well, up until very recently, you probably would be confused. And, the truth is most of you are still probably very confused.
If I said the name "Screech," some immediate and concurring murmur would resonate from the sea of now bright faces.

Yes. Dustin Diamond and Screech are one in the same. And now, our favourite person has his own porn. There's no casual way to go about it, folks. Quite honestly, I may have to apologize for causing you to have such a shudder, or maybe a revisitation of what you last consumed, but I did the same. Now... there are some clips floating around on the internet somewhere, but the most I've seen is his face... talking. Talking about crapy stuff you don't even know anything about. Amazing. Stimulating, if I may.

I did, however, come across this interresting article. I don't know anything about this magazine, and therefore I do not hold any support to their ethics/morals/beliefs, but I did enjoy the overwhelmingly observant take on that teenie bopper show we grew up with. I'll give you all some warning, the language is definitely adult. So you decide if you're up to hearing it or not. Don't be offended, just accept it as their opinion -- which I have no connection to, just thought was interesting.

If any pleasure has been derived in my life from this little instance, it is from this article. Enjoy.

Points to Ponder

I'm an engine driver -- The Engine Driver, Decemberists

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Today was all but hectic, and is just now coming to a close. Aside from realizing that I had not gotten around to actually doing several things (as previously mentioned; read below), I spent from around 0800 to 0020 being out and around town. I've not enough time to do the things I need to...

Cade is home from across the Sea, and boy am I glad. He is an amazing guy, and I love him for that, but at the moment, he's got a lot to say. Understandable. I've not seen him in four months or so, and it is a good lesson to anyone to have to sit and listen to another person speak at any time for any reason, unless it is idle banter. One thing that did come up, though, was the fact that I wish I were a Student in career alone right now, and not trying to work at the same time. That working stuff just drives me a up a tree, and I don't have time to do my homework like I should (spread out and such). Aside from lack of time, there is the fact that whenever I come home, no matter how good the day went at work, I am not the same person I used to be. Sometimes this means I feel horrible; sometimes this just means I'm less whole than before -- and in more than one way. I've been toying with the idea of quiting for more than a month now, but I've not yet found the right place to go and work instead. I'm quite burned-out on serving people in a restuarant. I love to do it, but there's just something about it here that makes my skin crawl. The idea arose that I should just take a small break from working... a hiatus. Maybe it will give me time to think and to catch up in school and to strengthen my relationship with God.

It's just a thought. I've got too much to do tomorrow, so I'm off to bed.

These Are the Options

There's a tear in the fabric of your favourite dress...--Lightness, DCfC

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It came up yesterday, when Jon and Josh and Matt Kig were home, that their room mate was talking of moving out. If I wanted to, when I finished my "under-grad" program here, I could go off to live with them all in Dallas. It's a nice option... but the idea of it... well, there are a lot of technicalities. My goal is to be in California next year, and that's three months away. Oh... what am I to do? With complications rising in my family both near and far, and the prospect of both acting and medical school pulling at me from across the desert, I've found myself in somewhat of a quandry. Tomorrow is the deadline for a short story I've yet found time to start, and I work all day. At 8am on Wednesday, I've a major test in Anatomy & Physiology, and I still have a bunch of work to do over our government project for voting. I've got too much on my plate at the moment.

A Report of Events

You're always on my mind...

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Two nights ago, at work, some people came in around five minutes after we closed and ate. I wasn't very happy, but they were a nice bunch, and aside from leaving me a nice tip, they let me join them on an escapade to Wal-mart. Katie, Joe, and Chris are their names. They were... how do you say, different? They had a nice positive outlook on life, and I was almost amazed by their energy. When did I get to be so callous? They are freshmen at one of the local universities; at the particular one I happen to teach a class at. Well, I am not the actual teacher, but I do teach, and it is a class at that university, so I am a teacher there.

But that night, my body decided that it wanted to get sick. I don't know why, actually, but even though I got around seven hours of sleep, I was exhausted, and by the end of the day on Saturday I was ready to collapse. My body is now fighting sickness and fatigue, but I don't think it helped any that I went out and partied a little last night. It was the first time I had a drink or a smoke in a while, and it was relaxing. Those are things I quit due mostly to lack of funds, and stupidity, and last night in no way will lead back into it. The main reason I did that is because my friend is moving to Spain for a semester, and we were throwing her a going away party; of course I love to support. She wants me to go visit her in Madrid for Christmas, but we'll see how that turns out.

Matt and Jon were in town this weekend. I miss them both so dearly, and I wish I could be with them more often -- they've been the among most regular humans to have walked into my life, and those I can count on my hands alone. Matt gave me a hug and told me to call him; he apologized because he had to run, but he told me he loved me and missed me. Jon is with his family, and I'm going to try and stop by before I go to work so I can see him before he goes out again. I'm planning on going to Dallas for his 21st birthday.

In the tradition of reporting events and concepts found here in this particular post, I'd like to tell you that I am hating my job, and I'm wanting to quit. I'm so worn out, though, and I've not the energy to go on serving elsewhere -- but where else would I find the money I need? I'm burntout, and interestingly enough, I'm never too far away from the edge to be brought back; in the same thought, I'm never too far away from the edge to be kept from falling off it.
Stir that in your minds.

New Things

When walking down the road of life, when all hope seems lost...

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I'm trying a few new things, as of late -- the one I'm going to talk about only comes from just last night.

I had a horrid night at work. I'll be honest, it wasn't easy, but it wasn't the hardest night at work I've had to face. Afterward, I drove on over to the Starbucks and went inside to have a Superfood drink and relax. First, I came upon some people with whom I attended high school. They were in acknowledging mood, but not in the welcoming mood -- not a very nice trait, especially when they point it out, but that's another story. Inside, however, I found three girls I've known for several years now, and they were just about to pray. After buying my drink, I sat down and joined them.

It was very nice, that after a hectic day at work, I was able to just go and immediately spend time with some fellow Christians and with the Lord in conversation. It was, for the lack of a better word, refreshing. So after the prayer, one of the girls asked how I was, and I had to stop myself from answering negatively. I thought for a moment, everything aside, everything aside, and then I realized that I was great. It shocked me at first, but then I wondered if that was the way we should always think of things. The night at work, while it was very horrible, wasn't murder in any litteral sense of the word, and it was over. It was all said and done. Perhaps this is the dawn of a new me, or at least the setting sun on an old me. Or maybe I will forget that I had ever experienced this particular epiphany, and I instead will continue on down the road of life as a leaf blown in the wind?

There are so many possibilities to everything, and as broad a spectrum as that statement covers, there is only one solution that will help us figure it out: we have the choice. So what choice do you make today?

In A Dream

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them, and we help them in return... -- For Good, Wicked

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I don't know what it was exactly that caught my attention last night in my dream, but whatever happened, I find myself reminiscing about the past friendships I have had over the past year. And, to be honest, there aren't many. The one that sticks in my head the most is my supposed -- and I don't use that word lightly -- friendship with one of three in particular. At the beginning of this year, there were two guys who came into my life. It may make sense to you if I told you that they were the same person, in a way, but different. With them, there was another guy, but he would not show up until later. I spent six months with these guys. Six months being friends, or at least, that's what I thought. At the end of that six months, I found out how wrong I was.

The saddest part about it, though, is that I knew there was something wrong around the middle of the third month, and still, for some stupid reason, I continued in that friendship. I continued to pursue something so trivial, and I absolutely refused to give up. This gave rise to such problems as I would never have thought myself capable: insomnia, severe depression, anorexia. Yet I continued on, in the face of all these warnings. I think, though, it came to the point that I didn't know what else to do. Due to situations in my past involving lost friendships, there existed inside me then, and even now, a yearning to make things right with all people. And so I kept on, ignoring the fact that my body wasn't keeping up with my will; ignoring the fact that my heart was already being torn to shreds.

Everyone has a reason for being in our lives, and we can learn things from anyone. That is something to keep in mind. I learned a lot from those guys. Even though I may have spent too much at the time, I feel I got away from it all with a vast amount of knowledge that I intend to use.

Concept Journal

Oh how I love you so, lost in those memories, and now.... you've gone....

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I have decided that I need to keep something close at hand for all my thoughts on writing projects, both current, future, and in the past. It is for this reason that I will now be writing things in a personal journal, and whatever I feel needs to be posted up on Blogger will be.

This may lead to a digression in my online writing and ramblings, but I assure you, I should not fade away completely; I just felt like you, my adoring online audience, should be in the ken. Thanks for your supports, and your loves; you have mine.

`koa

Keep It Up

I'm nicotine; I'm coming clean; I fooled the crowd when I made is sound like I was more than ready. -- I'm Ready, I Am, Format

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There are days I feel like I should just give up on life -- the life I'm living now -- and start not starting anything. It's only then that I realize I have already given up on a life -- the life to follow Christ whole-heartedly -- and do so every day I don't spend time with Him. And then I wonder why my life sucks.

Please, people, do not stop reading this with the though, "what a freak," but continue on in order to hear my explaination. What I've just said may sound quite arrogant, and in a way, it might be; but the truth of it all is that even though you've got a lot of junk going on in your life, it wont even begin to make sense until you're living your life for God -- the one true God. Now, that is not me saying that things get easier; in all reality, they only get harder. The peace comes from knowing that you're good when it is all said and done. That internal peace is so above anything, that it affects the way you think about all your earthly to-do's, and you just relax. You're where you are for a reason. Free choice has nothing to do with that much. God is everywhere, and where you are, is where He is, and there is a reason for it.

Journals

Not sure what space I'm in... oh well I'm safe inside me here... oh well--Old Piano, Frou Frou

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I always have problems with Journaling. It seems to be something I really want to do, and I try to do it often but when it comes down to which journal type to use, whether it be online or private in some book, I have problems. My frist online journal was with OpenDiary. I was very proud of that journal, and of the community that had grown up around me and my things, but it also came with a lot of problems and a lot of responsibility. One thing was that I was very open with what I was saying, and the people who read it were quite often in danger of being hurt. While I usually leave things like that up to the readers discretion, I was not too bothered by things like that. What was more important was the fact that after two years, the things I was saying were becoming noticably more taboo. Not that they had not been in the first place, but more that the people who were reading my entries made that so. There was nothing blocked to me, no door closed in the topics that I covered, and because of that freedom, I reviewed those with a mature and level head.

It was when the information found its way into the hands of the wrong people that things got... out of hand, if you will. It came down to the point that a friend's family was reading my blog and using it against both her and I, and in the end, just her, which isn't right. I never meant for something so personal and coveted to me to be transformed into something so violently dangerous for someone I cared for. It was in those days that I was more innocent that I am now.

The reason I'm writing about this is because I'm in a creative writing class. We are being instructed to get our own personal journal to write in at all times. The idea of having a more transportalbe version of my journal is very appealing to me, but I miss the idea of such a large audience possiblity that I am granted when writing online. Another downside to the blog is that in this particular version of blogging, there aren't privacy levels. Perhaps one day they will be installed... I have seen quite a few things change around Blogger.com since I first became involved, but I do miss the old days of OpenDiary. At any rate, what I'm trying to say is I'm not sure what to do. There are things I need to say, and journal about, that I cannot and absolutely will not say online ever again. The song I posted a line from at the top of this entry has the ambiance of how I'm feeling: confused and nostalgic.

To The Sky

I left my parents' this morning to find the sky painted in an array of colours one doesn't see too often with the way that weather has changed these days. In fact, I have been quite pleased with the way that things have been temperature-wise lately, as well, as if I had anything to do with that. Growing up I had always been in cooler weather, having gone to California at least once every year. It holds a certain leash on my memory and my spirit, and it relaxes me. Sadly, even though the weather was more calm -- the smell of water in the air, the sky in shades of blue and pink and yellow -- my spirit was still in turmoil.

Someone said it once as "I'm a dichotomous enigma swirled inside incongruity." A vortex of diametrics in dissent. I couldn't agree more, especially right now. I've spent the past week trying to get out of some tickets that were not necessarily my fault (though one cannot readily and honestly pass-the-buck on something so personal), getting settled in to a logical school schedule, and finding time to work, which right now seems to be every single shift I have available. This leaves me with little time to do my homework, and even less time to sleep. I am thankful at the moment for having moved back in with my parnents, but at the same time, I'm lonely. One never realizes a desire for community until they are removed so thoroughly from it. Having moved away from the Manor and Guardhouse -- though not having received any sort of demotion of neither Guardian title nor esteem -- I've been through such an instance very, very recently. Perhaps not in a bad way, but in a way, nonetheless.

The past two years of my life have left me with little more to say for people than their inconsistencies, but then I suppose that in all civility, I have nothing more to say for myself than my own inconsistency. I can only hope, meager attempt by meager attempt, that I am doing my best to be a constant lover -- the one I have always longed for, and earnestly asked for, from people, and God. I can only supply those around me with the relief that this morning's cloud-scattered proffering rendered my heart.
That's what one may only hope.

Tears That Fall

Should never fall in vain.

I am enrolled in an online class this semester, and my teacher happens to have her own blog on blogger. In connection with one of our recent assignments, she has posted a link to one of her entries from April 5, 2006, about Elie Wiesel's book Night, and just reading the selection from it brought tears to my eyes. I recommend this book for everyone and anyone; it doesn't matter who you are, or where you come from, you need to read this book.

And no, this is not just some soap-box special from some nobody trying to get you to buy into a fad or anything, it's just me, trying to tell you of our history; I'm telling you of our Human make-up. This is a book about a family taken away by Nazis, and about their experiences. This is a true story. So please, I'm sure it's rather cheap, as it is a small book, but the experience is more valuable than money.

Moonlight Miracle

Hitomi wa itsumo juweru
Body ni matou lovely charm
Ikite yuku koto wa try get chance
Kokoni aru kara tsuyoi yume
Gan! Gan! Kechirashite yukoo, rival darake no mahiru...

---

Labor Day. I definitely fell asleep in my car last night and woke up around 5am. After cleaning my foot a little, I climbed into bed, and slept until 2:30. The rain has been falling all day, and it's been nice. When I finally stepped outside later, I could smell something different than the usual "rain" smell in West Texas; it was a wet earth sound. I spent the day wrapped up in my blanket, and just wandered around the house when I wasn't watching a video on the internet -- which I'll talk about later.

The way the light was diffused through the clouds was something that brought back memories from the days of my childhood. There was even the complimentary smell of my mother's cooking. The smell is something I've come to the conclusion that I'll be missing later on. I know, I don't mean to be johny raincloud, but it happens, and I'm glad I got to enjoy today smelling it, as if I were a child in school again, with no job to go to in the daytime... Bah.

As for the video, it's PGSM the Live Action version. I used to watch this with some old friends of mine, and I miss them a lot. So I've had a nice, nostalgic day. And though no one really understood this rant, I am glad I still had it.

Misty Mornings

I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside it all. And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the T.V. entertained itself, 'cus there's no comfort in the waiting room... -- DCfC-Sarah

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For the past couple of days, it has been cool. And this morning we all awoke to find wet grounds, puddles, and a light mist still falling after the night was over. There is something to be said for the feeling of a cool spray hitting your skin in a gentle breeze, but it cannot always win against the impending deadlines and human requirements, which linger so casually sure just over the horizon.

I've been shown a few things in the past week or so:

• The trick of salvation -- the first part already having been accomplished -- is belief.


• People always have their own plans, and you may never come first in anothers, but if that should happen, marry them.


• Blind promises are no promises at all.


• When something is not in front of you, you don't think of it.


• Lonliness is the next most constant thing to God.

So now I am off to work another shift in that place that pulls me closer to a darker hell, but thankfully, I will not be lingering there for much too long (God willing).

There's something to say about these Misty Mornings...