Tears

I can't say that I don't love the light and the dark. -- Say It Right, Nelly Furtado

---

Tears fell quickly today, but not quick enough, nor near enough as much as what it might take to cleanse my system.
I keep hitting these strains of bad luck, and finally when I think everything is going right, something happens to kick me down a couple of pegs, either back to where I was, or beneath it.

School rears its ugly head again, and for some damn reason, I can't accept help from the people who are supposed to be there for me.

I'm tired. Tired of lots of things... but I can't seem to make myself go to sleep. I can't really forget what it is that keeps me from being your happy-go-lucky college student, and the worst of it is, grad school hasn't even started for me. I've been burned by nearly every family member that can identify me one day to the next, and I don't think it helps that I've got no good friends. Sure, there are some mild supporters, but they've their own drama, as I've mine, and while I do care for them, I don't want to get too close...

A guy told me I had a mellow personality today. Someone else had said the same thing a couple of days ago... something about me being so laid back about things. I don't know how people see that in me, I'm so obviously over-dramatic and a worrier... Best, perhaps, to leave it alone for tonight...

Keep Trying

---

There are so many things on my mind, and in the lead is what I'm going to do about school. George says there's no point in worrying myself sick over it, because what happens, happens, but it's a little different when you're out on your own, hundreds of miles away from your family. I'm tired, too, for some reason. I think it's all the crap that keeps happening to me. First it was moving, then it was the job thing, then it was bad family, and still the job thing, and then school, and then the fleas, and then falling, and the job thing, and school again... If I had been an outsider, looking in on this strain of events, I wouldn't believe that a person could do with it all, but here I am, and I find it surprising that I want to give up and go home. It almost doesn't seem like enough, but at the same time, it is. I feel defeated, but I know there are ways around these damned walls.

I guess all I can do is try to keep on pushing.

Hitomi wo Tojite

Your love forever
Hitomi wo tojite kimi wo egaku yo sore dake de ii -- Hitomi wo Tojite, Hirai Ken

---

I can only sit here and listen to this song, known in English as "I Close My Eyes", while I scan through pictures people have taken from back home. I wish I could be with them, but part of me wonders if I would have truly been a part of those events, had I still existed in that land.

And then it hits me:
Had I not left, what would have become of me? Would I truly be better off living there than here, even after I consider all the things that have happened to me? I wonder what would have occurred in its place back home? Would life go on, much in the same way as before, only different? Who would be around me, still? Would I be the same person? It's a lot to ask, I know, but these are the questions I wonder day and night, now, in this place where things seem to affect me in more negative ways than one could possibly imagine in absence.

And I think of Nic. I had loved him; he had loved me, and maybe more than that, but the past cannot be changed, and the present is where I live, now. There are things you regret as you move through life, but there are reasons for those things you missed out on, and the things you accepted to occur in the other's place....

And I really begin to look at the person all the pictures I'm seeing focus on.
And it hits me harder.
And I laugh, in spite, perhaps, but most definitely at the irony, and the longing.
The lyrics I posted above are translated roughly as, [Your Love forever. I close my eyes tight, and I see your smile flash momentarily]. And as bad as that translation probably is, I'll let you know, I felt it. I feel it. Could it be that I fell in love with Reagan?

Is that this strange desire to lean out and kiss his lips, and let him know I love him? Surely a fool's fantasy would seem more plausible; more feasible in the least! Yet, here I sit, with those thoughts in my mind, and not a regret about them.
I lost one to Death, and walked away from yet others. Was I saving them from destruction or myself? Or am I leading them to it, all of us playing unwittingly into yet another trap of Free-willed Fate? The Learned say History repeats Itself, but why is it that I find that no matter how much time we spend learning History's mannerisms and past, we still find ourselves in the same positions, if only with different names and places involved?

Hooray 10th

Does your car still have no passenger-side rear-view mirror?
I never could look back when we drove forward...
Call me on the telephone,
And tell me it's a Blue Day again... -- No Passenger-Side Rear-View Mirror, LOFN

---

First off, I have to say congratulations to myself for finally breaking the mold and making more than 9 posts in a month, and what's even better is that they all happened before the turn of the month. Yes, as you can all see from the post-date, today is the Ides. I'm glad for that, at least. Or should I be, perhaps it's just because I'm extra emotional that all this is going on...?

I know that there are some questions that I've left unanswered in my recent general ramblings, like, do I have a job, and where do I really live, and am I dating anyone, and do I go to church, and all that jazz. Well, let me see...
Yes, I have a job, and hopefully I'll have a different one soon... one I think I can feel more comfortable doing, if not being more stressed out with, haha! I went to the JC and had an interview, and I think they're going to hire me on... I think I find out tomorrow. The best part would be that I wouldn't have to have any training, really, though I will be honest, I wouldn't mind going through another set of classes again... Um, I really live on the hill above the Valley in San Diego. Figure out which hill and you'll get a prize... maybe. At any rate, it's not that secure for right now, because I'm going to move out. I just have to find a new place, and maybe a bunch of other things, so we'll see how that goes, and where I live in September :D.... Next, I'm not dating anyone, and I'm not really going to church. I want to, on both questions. Life is very lonely here, so it's easy to get lost doing nothing. I sort of dropped the ball in looking for a church, but I think once everything is settled down, I'm going to start looking again? Maybe... maybe not with that new job...

As for a romance life? Well, that remains to be seen. I've been measured and weighed and have been found terribly wanting. That's all I'm going to say on that. But, I am going to go to school in the fall (well, in September at least), and that's a definite good, right? It's going to be a little stressful... in fact, I think I still owe a little money, and I still have not bought or even shopped for books, but I'll manage, right? Right...? That's it. I just wanted everyone to know... yeah.

La Esperança

---

I just finished reading the story I mentioned in the last post. It's only seven books long, and I think that it's definitely worth a read for everyone, even people who aren't interested in the sort of thing (it is shonen ai, after all).

The common conception (as I have seen and heard) is that it falls short of the genre in that it doesn't show much of the feelings behind the situation, or more so that it fails to show them fully. I kind of see their point, in that it is a short series; by the end of it all, which seemed to happen almost abruptly, I suddenly felt myself wanting more. There's a small ending piece that almost goes to say that life goes on, and so will the story, we just don't get to hear the rest of it... so the reader does have to deal with that.
It's hard to write about this and not give it away for those of you who haven't read it... so...

**This next section contains spoilers, or something very much like it. Please avoid this if you have not read the series!!

While it does deal with boys in an all-boy academy, it does go to show the facet of religion in sexuality. The interesting part is that it doesn't explain what's going on, it assumes that the reader knows the history of Christianity (as is the religion in question) and the homosexual community. The particular country doesn't have an openly gay population, yet neither does it have a repressed one. It seems like people are either embarrassed by the concept of themselves being gay, but no one else really gives two mites over it. It does say in the last book that the main character's soul is beautiful, and that's enough, but unless someone really was reading the series to find out what someone else thinks about it, then most people would miss that as a major note. It's not as simple as many would like to believe. To have such feelings and be aware of them, and then to not be able to follow up on them is magnified under scrutinizing eye of the clergy.

It was a little hard to keep track of who was who, because the stylization was so strong at first, but it softened a little and grew more fluid by the end. The second main character and the first-major-supporting character are easily confused at times, and one must pay attention to their neck-ties (Henri wears the ribbon tied, and Robert doesn't wear it tied... or at all).... anyway, that's that.

The story is really complicated, and that makes for wonderful drama, so please enjoy it; I know I did.... you may all see some La Esp fan art from me soon. yay.

Short Stories and Sketches

I vowed to you that day no one would ever bring you harm, girl -- Leona, LOFN

---

I was looking back over some of my past entries on this blog from this month (amazingly there are a lot more in the first half of the month than in most recent months whole), and I noticed how I mentioned it was the end of a chapter; I wondered if I would have it easier from then on, or harder, and secretly knew the answer. Strange, how we do that, but the question is, did I cause it to happen, or was it a true and honest premonition?

I decided I was going to move out today. When I woke up, I felt a lot better about things, and I even managed to have a good outlook on life. The lesions are healing somewhat, (well, one causes me concern, but we'll just have to watch it) and I have a future. My-one-roommate still wants me to stay "30-days", but I have no contractual obligation, and in fact don't feel like have I have to even find a new roomie to take over my position, so... yeah. That's basically that. Money's going to be tough, but I spoke to a girl today who works down by the JC in SoCal, and she thinks it is totally worth driving down there every day to work as a server when I'd be making about 17.50/hr... I think I agree, and I miss the food terribly bad.

How's life for you guys? Seriously, I want to know: how is it? I'd say mine is ... looking up, but I think I'm learning a lot of lessons, and I would rather have made sure I learn before committing to a possibility.

The title is because I've been doing a lot of sketches lately, and a short story occurred when I met the aforementioned girl, so ... yeah. and I've been reading this one comic called La Esperança (I think you should ignore any bad reviews and give it a shot. People who don't know what it's dealing with exactly on all levels will have a hard time accepting that it's worthwhile). I like it a lot; yes, I gave in and began reading shonen ai. My bad... haha! I can't help it. It's ... gripping. It's... focusing around a situation I've wondered a lot about my whole life, so I want to know the writer's take on it... we'll see how it goes.

Do I Belong

I
And I am to blame:
I sit here in shame,
I threw You away again -- Shades of Grey, Waking Ashland

---

[[Christie, if you're reading this, the one I refferred to in that message is the one before this, entitled, Agony.]]
I try not to listen to too much music lately. It seems that everyting has a habbit of reminding me where I'm from, and where I'm not. Do I belong here at all? Can I belong here; can I fit in where things keep going wrong; where walls continually pop up to stop me in my tracks? I feel like I'm dying inside, and outside things are much better. The people at my work all surely think that I'm milking this for the best of it, but there's no way I could be. I try to work, but I'm in so much pain, and from lack of sleep I am not able to move as fast as I can. Someone pointed out today that I seemed happier, but when I told them what was going on, they congratulated me on how well I was faking it. What kind of person am I turning in to?

I long to go home, but part of me is afraid that if I do, I will never pick up this path again, or any other for that matter, and then what? I don't think I'm good enough to carve my way as an artist, or a writer, and acting, well, home isn't the right place to be for that. Though I do suppose that instead of spending my time writing this, I could go on to writing other things and try on that path... though, the way is arduous... Hell. For what I'm putting up with for this Medicine, I might as well... right? right?

I find myself wondering a lot of things. "Is it worth it," seems to be the big question right now. Like I said, I could go home, but is that worth it, either? There are a lot of sacrifices involved in that, and a lot of questioning to answer, but I don't mind the questions so much as the sacrifices.
The only thing has has been keeping me here is the fact that I want -want- to stay in this school. I want to finish it. I want to do something with it. I want to be able to heal people who have problems. And then I laugh, because I think of that age old saying:
Physician, heal thyself.

I'm pulling on resources that aren't mine to use, and I'm running out of time. I want to move out. I want to be in a cleaner environment. I want to be with people that respect their house. I want to be with people that understand. I want to be home. I want to be with my family, my mom and my dad. I want to be with friends who really are friends. Of course it would be ironic that I would be the one to leave this time, and not my "friends".

It would be ironic that instead of me wanting more, they are, and I've gone and left them behind. It would be ironic that when I could have had it all, happiness, family, friends, a stable job with a stable income... I left it on a chance that I would be able to do this. I think that I'm being overly dramatic over this, but at the same time, am I? Surely, I can do this. Surely I can do this. Surely.

I can do this. I can go to this school and graduate. I can complete my schooling and become a doctor and heal people. I can make a difference. Now I hear I should turn to faith; something in my soul says I should turn to faith, but I'm not sure. Why? Why am I not sure? I don't know, I can't understand it. I know there is something there that I should look to and say "I can rest easy, because it's alright; it's not in my hands," but I am not. I'm worried; I'm afraid to. Why? Am I letting the devil whisper that many things into my ear? Can I not decipher lies from the truth?

Please, God; let it not be a cop-out.

Sorry for my ramblings... sometimes it helps to get it out...

Agony

Behind the Screams, CKY

---

The fleas are still there, hiding in the darkness of the dirty roots below our feet, and they reach out to me with their claws and their teeth. They bite me and I feel ill. I can't sleep at night, because I lay upon the hot coals of hell; my body covered in waves of flame that never end, that pummel me as constantly as the icy cold waters of the sea upon the gritty sandy shore. Only, as I have said before and will say again, this feeling of agony is anything but refreshing.

My mind recoils in longing, and my bones ache at the mere thought of rest. When will this madness end? When will this disease depart from my withered frame?

My legs are covered in boils, and my feet are fleshy lesions without remorse. They ooze and leak, and all I can do is try in vain to keep them clean, but my labor is wanting, and I seem to remain one step behind. It is a mad desire, a crazed conscious that calls out to me in the day and in the night. It sings to me:
Release me,
Release me from this Hell!
End it,
End it.
Tear at it, rip it, destroy it;
Remove it;

End it!
It screams gently in my ear, and it whispers like the hissing of white-hot metal as it is dipped into the cooling quench. It rubs at the folds of my brain with brittle desperate fingers, longing to be heard, longing to be obeyed; to be granted Its one desire would be Its dying wish, and my first regret, for already has it been heard and I have responded. I display the signs of my weakness as scars for all to see. And some have yet to become so, for they will not close up and fade away as It promised.

And when I can, when I find a moment to take a breath and reflect upon my current situation, I wonder if I am still sane?

It's Comming Down

I'm a thousand miles away, but swear to God you still look pretty... -- Hey There Delilah, The White T's (I think...)

---

I spend so much time trying to get the house under control. I'm tired of all this fighting with the world around me, and I just want to be able to go home and sit down and relax... Hopefully soon. Hopefully. I haven't really been at work all week, and probably wont be until Sunday, but that's that. I've got to get this stuff under control, and if it's still blistering, I'm just going to have to suck it up and bite the bit and work, because, let's face it, life in California takes more money than it had anywhere else.

I'd like to take a moment to say thank you to my parents for being constant encouragement. Just hearing your voices makes me feel so very much better; you really have no idea.
Also, thank you to all of those friends who have been with me from the beginning... well, those who have been with me the longest, because I think my longest friendships only started 8 years ago. Anyway, thanks.

I've got so much to do, but so little patience, and so little money... I think I'm getting sick of being stuck in a catch-22.

Your Voice Calls Me Home

It's been so long since I've talked to you,
...since I've talked to you...
Since you've talked to me -- No Passenger-side Rear-view Mirror, LOFN

---

Sitting in San Diego, in the heart of the Valley and hearing your voice in my ears is quite a confusing sensation. It's almost as though you're sitting right here, and everything is as it should be, which is to say, nothing is right -- or the way one wishes it could be. But if that were the case, then I would gladly say that that is the way that it should be. I couldn't want anything else than to have some of my older friends here with me. The people with whom I've been through thick and thin. The people with whom I've seen the beginning an the end...

What I wouldn't give to have you here with me. Why can't you just apparate to me? Didn't you learn that one yet? Haven't I? haha.... well, one can always wish, right? And isn't wishing just enough?...
...

Did I hurt you that much? I'm sorry. I know we've been over this. I know we've been through these apologies more than one time already, and I know that what has been said is in the past; we move on, right? But I still want you here with me. I still miss you more than most, and consider you in the group of the top 5 people I would like to have here with me: Nick Whitaker, Jon Kielman, My parents, and You. Sure I wish there were others here, but I know that if there were anyone I could have with me, you guys would be it. Next would be a list in no particular order of Mike Burns and his family, Dani, Tucker, Paul McClendon... yeah...

I have to remember to just say "Adieu".
"Forget what's behind you."

The End of a Chapter

I have been changed for good -- For Good, Wicked OST

---

It's the end of a chapter in my book, and can I just say, that I'm glad it's over. While, it's still quite a way from done, my story is able to start over again, but will the next page lead to more danger and strife, or will it lead to joy and jubilation? I am secretly voting on the former, but we can all hope for the latter, right? My car is a few things from being packed, and I'm ready to go with my money in my hand, but there are some things I'm a bit apprehensive of... I think it's going to be a challenge to live from this point on, but I accept that challenge, and I'm going to fight the battles as they come. This past week has been anything but easy, or even difficult, so I think I can deal with it, right?

I did just find out that I'm late on a payment to my first student loan, and I'm considering getting it held again due to my current status as a student, if only at a different school, but I'm not decided on that, yet. There are some benefits to me having to pay it back early, but we'll see how that goes.

At any rate, I should let everyone go... these entries have been quite short as of late, but I think that may be a good thing. I know I haven't had near enough rest to consider doing anything art-wise, be it writing, drawing, or singing (and my voice is in fact had it for a bit), but I think after some good rest in a place I know is mine, I'll be alright. Wish me luck.

An Old Phone Pic

I liked it. Back in the day with Ms. Smith, and me, in our separate work garbs. Perhaps this is showing how the two places should come to some sort of understanding? Or perhaps it's a symbol of Peace amongst Separate Parties? Maybe we're just fun friends with a blurry phone camera?

Few Moments

Relapse
Prevent
Trigger
Intent
Now drown/High strung/Say X amount of words -- X Amount of Words, Blue October

---

I'm stressed, and while I may smile kindly at the people who have come to be called my friends, my body is reflecting what it really feels inside.

I'm soon to be a technical hobo, but I'm working on that. And school is starting soon, and... well, I'm working on that, too.

Last night I ended up going with some co-workers for Meg's birthday to the Padre game at PETCO Park. We lost, but it was fun! Anyway, gotta get back to looking and working on other things.... lot's of love and prayer would be amazing, I shouldn't doubt.