It's a Rhythm

When you walk away, you don't hear me say,
"Please... Oh, baby, don't go..." -- Simple and Clean, Utada Hikaru

---

Gearing up for another day at work. The clock here says after 0700, but in actuality its closer to five. I have to get up early for my job that I found, but it gives me a chance to have the nights off... Though, it's not much of a night, I guess, when my night usually has to end at 1900 to get to bed for enough sleep.

I have been to the beach twice. The ocean is one of those distant things that I yearn to do, but have never had the gall to get out there and run after it. For some reason, I find myself stuck in some sort of strange paradox of life; it's been said that you want what you can't have, but you care less for what you do. I don't want this to be the way things are for me.

I've been thinking a lot, lately, too. About people, and the things I've done in my past. Of course, I've thought about these things several times before, as one could easily see by reading through my past entries, but I find myself wondering about them again: where I've been and who I am and what I've done. These are things I cannot ever get away from, and when I finally do, as I thought I did when I moved away, they come back to me, as an all-inclusive package on my front-doorstep.

I don't have time for this... I've hardly the time for anything.

Just Letting You Know

koi wo shitte... SAKURA ドロップス, Utada Hikaru

---

I thought this month was going to be different, but I'm having a lot of problems with getting to use the internet. I'm still not living in my own place, but I've got a free one for as long as I need. I'm looking at about 2 to 3 months, so please be patient with me while this goes on, and I'll try to make a post or two when I get the chance.

Lot's of love,
`koa

Shabbat

100th post, huzzah!

---

For the first time in a long time, I've been resting -- truly resting, and it feels wonderful. I just spent the day (mostly) asleep, and have just woken up feeling refreshed. Amazing.

I got the job at Starbucks, and I spent a majority of the day yesterday flipping out about how little money I'd be paid. It took quite a bit from Dad and Mom and Sunny to convince me that everything would be alright: I would just take what I had at the moment, and then keep looking, while saving money, and being clean and healthy and... just, living; it's a hard thing to do after being used to getting anywhere between fifty to 100 dollars a day just for showing up and looking good, but it will suffice for now.

People-wise, I've spent quite a bit of time with Sunny. I've met her fantastic room mate, California, and a good friend of Sunny's named Julie. Last night we went to the Bahia to celebrate Julie's boyfriend's graduation, and I stayed the night in a $4000 room. The view out the back was the beach, and we could walk out anywhere on it. There were two steam-boats in the bay as well, right outside our door, so we had quite a good time. At first I thought I didn't want to make any friends for a long time, but seeing as how I've already met a few people (such as Jessi's new boyfriend, Nate, who is awesome, and probably my surfing buddy), I think I'm starting to enjoy it. Being alone is one thing. Being alone and recuperating is another. While I've recuperated somewhat from my injuries, I've learned that I had actually done a lot of that healing back in the town I left behind, and I miss those friends and lovers I had around me so dearly sometimes, it makes me wonder if I ever should have left at all.
Of course, then, I laugh, and wave my hand at the funny thought as if to disperse it from all existence.

One thing I am trying to learn, however, is how to accept people the way they are. There are some things I've come across already that I have trouble with. I'm shocked at how people's views are so black and white around here. It may have been beneficial to grow up in such a town where the lines are so faded between right and wrong; good and evil have no definite forms there. The people who are so good, are really creatures of darkness, and the people who are seen as evil, are probably the most realistic and loving people anyone could ever have around them.
Here, things are either right or wrong, good or bad, gay or straight, drama or mellow, lies or truth. And there are even people who feel like things have to be talked over to exist, and they can't just exist without their acknowledging it. What a strange world I've fallen into... Or, as Alice would say,

Curiouser and Curiouser.

Mistakes...

2 am and she calls me cuz I'm still awake:
"Can you help me unravel my biggest mistake..." -- Breath (2am), Anna Nalick

---

It seems like lately at about 2am in Texas, I find myself wondering what I'm doing here, and who I'm here for. I'm not concerned about whether or not I'm supposed to be here, because I want to be here, and I need to be here to further my life as a healer. Still, I wonder what I'm doing when I mess things up with my cousins, and spend money over and over and don't ever stop to question why...

I keep doing or saying random things that make my cousins mad, or a little upset, at any rate. I've gotten Sunny and Jess, and there's still one to go, though I pray to God it doesn't happen. Third time's the charm, right?... right...

Who I am is who I am. Watashi wa watashi wa. Though I do feel a little bad that it seems it's always a shock to the people here that I'm completely different than they want me to be. I say what I want; I feel what I want; I do what I want, and if no one likes it that way, I have the habit of saying "Hey, that's not my problem," but is it? Is it my problem that I'm not who they want me to be? No. But is it my problem that I don't act properly and sustained? Not really. I have to be outgoing. I have to be entertaining. I have to be energetic. I'm here in this new land all by myself after all; I've no one to answer to accordingly...

I just need to show a little more tact. I need to find a place to fit in. What kind of person am I? Who am I?

Finally There

Cultivate your hunger before you idealize. -- Wind, Naruto (season 1)

---

I'm finally in San Diego; that is one step away from my dream of living in Santa Monica or something of the sort.

It feels strange to be here by myself after so many years wanting it. I am looking for a job, and **as a sudden thrust of information** I just got a call back (2 or 3 whole business days ahead of the informed day) from Starbucks, so we'll see how that goes. The interview is tomorrow at 12.

My outgoing email isn't working on my Outlook, and I haven't been able to figure out why. It's only a mild irritant, but frustrating nonetheless. I am looking for a place to stay as soon as I get a job, and that way I can be saving up my money for a down payment and the first month's rent; this may all take a couple of weeks, but I have a temporary location with my Aunt. I'm a little disappointed that it has taken almost a full business week to get one call back, but I haven't been doing a whole lot of job hunting, anyway. I spent the first couple of days with Sunny, helping her get moved out of the Towers at SDSU (right after my first interview with Starbucks), and then a whole lot of jazz... Eating has been pretty irregular for me... I should work on that.

Anyway, I'm off to do more job hunting. Wish me luck! (ganbatteiyo!)

T-minus 5, and Counting

California here we come
Right back where we started from... -- California, Phantom Planet

---

There is little time left until I am to rise and leave in the morning on the beginning of my long journey west.

I feel there are a few things I've yet to accomplish in this city, but now is not the time, else I would stay. I do feel regret for leaving my family and dearest friends behind me here. It is somewhat ironic that after so many errors, and so many other times when I was the one left behind, it is now my turn to do so.

For that, please forgive me.

In a few days, I will arrive in San Diego if all goes according to plan, and nothing ill befalls me (though we all will pray to God for otherwise).

Quick! Guess who's coming to see me tonight?

I reply that I don't know, but she leans in closer, and all but throws herself upon my chest with a giddy laugh.

Come on! Take a wild guess!

I shake my head, and say the first name that comes to mind. It's right. She grins widely, looking up at me; pure ecstatic pleasure radiates from her eyes, and I roll mine as I look away. She blinks and straightens, offended.

Why did you just roll your eyes at me? Is it at him?

Of course it wasn't at him... well, maybe. And it wasn't at her... it... was the situation....

I look back down at her, watching me carefully, and I decide that it's best to watch my steps as she is watching me.

It's nothing, I tell her, but she doesn't believe me, and as I turn to walk away, she hooks her arm through mine and follows suit.

Then what? she inquires; the tone in her voice is truly pleading. She wants me to be happy with her... for her.

But I reply that it's nothing, again. And again, she doesn't believe me. I sigh, and pull her into the server alley.

I don't know, I lie, doesn't he have a girlfriend?

She looks up at me in shock, and the what that jumped from her mouth was the verbal wall of her body language, pounding me between the ears. I shrug it off.

He better not.

Yeah, I think to myself... he better not... and I clench my teeth into a smile that I hope is as congratulatory and uplifting as I know it is fake. I try to smile away the heartbreak that he had handed me.

Provocative

---

The TKP has written a provocative entry, about the gender roles of men and women, and she has asked for feedback on the subject. She also lamented about her lack of thought-provoking entries, which I find to be ironic in itself, seeing as how this very entry was so very thought-provoking, in more than one way.

On the note of gender roles, what we have seen in present times is that the bold line between men and women is growing thinner, and may disappear all-together in the near future. While I'm not overly concerned about this move toward unity, there is the issue of provider/caretaker, and the actual ability to fulfill that role in society. Men have always been, and should always be, the provider, because they have the strength to obtain what is required by the caretaker -- traditionally a woman -- to take care of the family and home space.

Now, it is important to note that I am by no means demeaning the ability of women to become providers, nor men to become caretakers, but each sex is naturally suited to a particular job. Individual people may or may not have been blessed with the ability to overcome the definitions of such jobs, and therefore may or may not be able to step outside those boundaries to something more.

Moving on to the topic of provocative entries... Well, about a month ago, I looked back at my year of posts (well, considerably-less-than-a-year's-worth, anyway), and I discovered that I had taken a long and winding ride on a tangent from the original circumference of my blog's scope. Now, I wasn't too worried about this action, nor am I still, because I simply am going to make an effort to remain focused on my blogs intent... However, I've yet to truly do that, though I am blogging more regularly.

The title, "Scratch Sheet: My working out of the Test of Life", could even have several meanings, and I am not pointing this out as an attempt at justifying what I've done, but merely so that I do not feel so guilty about not having centered the topics around what I think God is saying to me in different things... .... ....

I am still trying to make out what life I have, and what is going on, and that happens by reporting what I go through with different people. How's that for an excuse?

Pushing the Sky

Don't wanna be an American idiot.
Don't want a nation under the new media.
And can you hear the sound of hysteria?
The subliminal mind[?@!#] America. -- American Idiot, Green Day

---

My Dear Brady has written a very interesting post, and rather than just link to his site (which is already supplied in the right-hand column of this blog), I am going to post it here, along with my response. Enjoy.

---

[Thursday, April 26, 2007]
        :::Raising the bar:::

:::4:29 am:::

The term "raising the bar" doesn't mean much nowadays.

I remember flying through the TAAS test (now the TAKS or something like that) and not worrying at all. Some questions you would have to think hard to pick the wrong answer. School was easy for me for the most part. I'm frustrated because it seems that nowadays people lower the bar so more people can make it. "Lets lower our standards so more people can feel good about themselves and meet our requirements."

Those who want to succeed and jump high can do a little jump and cross the hurdle. Now everyone can slide by.

By no means am I saying that people don't struggle with things like the TAAS or TAKS or school in general. I know things like that are difficult for many people. I feel like it's more than that though.

Church has lowered the bar. You can come to our Sunday morning services and (clap clap if you do) come to our more lively Wedsnesday night services and you've passed. I'm not talking about needing perfection. But how about some training? How about some people getting in my face like a real coach and pushing me forward? How about team efforts where we run together and train together? How about a challenge?

I can walk into church on Sunday mornings and never prepare. If no one else trained, I could walk up to a high jump event and jump over the bar if everyone is with me. I want to succeed. I want to raise that bar and try again. What? I knocked it off last time because I didn't jump hard enough? Lower the bar? No! Raise it an inch and I'll try it again.

If you can't make it, don't lower it, jump higher and harder and you'll be ready for the next level. I'm tired of staying where I am. Who'll jump up with me?

:::4:38 am:::

      Posted 4/26/2007 4:38 AM

My Comment::

I can agree with you on the "height" of standards in America... or even the world in general, but I feel rather confident that we're leading this.

In the old days, it used to be that if you wanted to go to college a University, you had to have the money. Well, the money is still the same, but the brains requirements has all but disappeared, and the very concept of secondary or even tertiary education has slowly shifted down to a first-gear party life; the great country we were raised hearing about is nothing more than a whisper of the past.

Still, this is where we are, and this is what we've been given... I feel the same as you; I'll jump for it, because I'm not satisfied with "just enough", but when I'm alone, "just enough" sometimes is just too much, even. Where are the bonds that hold Her together anymore? The Church has become a one-man game, and it's not the right Man.