I learned today that my cat, Sushi, is gone, and has been for about a week. He stays with my parents out in the country. Several new houses are being built here and there along the empty roads; my mother says she likes to think that someone just took him up and took him home -- he was always such a loving cat.
Times have been rough, to say the least. I think a lack of rest has been eating away at my soul; add that to the myriad of problems I've been presented with lately and it seems to be a good mixture for trouble.
The people who come in and out of my life are like shooting stars. Flashstars, I've heard them called once upon a time. They appear for a brief moment in time, and shine brightly as they move across the night sky before fading away and being no more. The things I've heard from the casual strangers I've had run-ins with lately have been ecstatic exclamations of euphoria for the most part, along with a casual "it's good to see you," and even the promising prophecy has reared its ugly head.
It's been trouble enough just trying to keep my own head on my shoulders, and not worry about what the rest of the world is doing. Then again, those of you who know more about me know that is one of my problems. For now, finding rest and balance is on the top of my list... or as high as I feel its safe to put it.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Memorial
Friday, May 23, 2008
Living Without You
There's nothing changing. -- New Resolution, Azure Ray
Hang in there.
Plain and simple. Somehow the words from the lips of my best friend have more healing power than those from another man's mouth. Even from my own. Perhaps being around him, and feeling the love reverberate between us finally set into motion the stale waters of my soul, and now the continuing ripples are growing steadily into waves that can carry my heart to a new land... or perhaps it was the timing. There seems to be timing for everything...
- We want you to be a pall-bearer. Her words hit me hard. I couldn't comprehend what that meant at that moment, but "yes" escaped my mouth, and a few days later, I could see how important it was to them, who they were -- the people carrying their oldest son into the beyond. But I had already cried so much that summer. The wells in my eyes had long since dried up for all the pain and sorrow. I felt honored. I felt scared. I felt unsure about what it would mean, but I looked forward to it as it grew closer day by day.
When I arrived at the church, it was raining. Not the heavy downpour that normally accompanies extreme sorrow, but the constant drizzle that one thinks should happen on a day that is filled with circumstance and duty. We carried his coffin through the heavy oak doors and down the long isle lined with teary eyes and padded pews. Inside the young children dressed in robes of white paced here and there in accordance with some religious ceremony to which I had never been privy to, and the organs played a mellow tune. The voices that called out the last statements were dull and uninteresting, but they spoke to us, and many cried, though I could scarcely shed a tear. I had a headache, I couldn't quite believe it was still happening: his birthday was a week away, I told myself as though it would bring him back.
When it was all over, we advanced to the front and stood around his vessel and though there were a few too many to us -- it did mean a lot to his parents -- we escorted his body back past the rows of people. I avoided their eyes as much as possible, gripping tightly to the brass railing on my side of the box. I was one of only three people to see him as he was now. I tried not to think of it. Once outside, the rain had stopped, and puddles were sitting here and there as we approached the hearse. And like a sign from God, as soon as we loaded the coffin inside, the clouds parted and the sun shone in bright comforting rays here and there. They grew and gathered together as the hearse drove away to wherever it was going. I was never sure if he was going to be burried or burned, but when I took my last glance at the grandiose Anglican chapel before I drove away, it made a scene much like the ones from paintings: the bell tower rose high above the rest of the arches and flying buttresses and the sun filtered through the clouds behind it with a rosy golden hue, and it was alright.
Friday, May 16, 2008
A Fragment of Memory
Some things take a lot longer to work its way out of your system. Alcohol takes a couple hours. Food poisoning takes about a day. Inhaled toxins can take several days. Love can take a lifetime. One of those powerful life lessons I've never managed to get the hang of, living with lost love is more painful than laying on your back in ICU with countless tubes and needles maintaining your every bodily function.
You need to get your priorities straight.
A line I've heard from my father on more than one occasion.
You care too much for others.
If I spin through the old reels of memories I've kept in the back of mind mind, I can still come across one spool of film I'd given quite a bit more attention to when I stored it than the rest, which tend to be scattered here and there across a dusty cabinet and onto the floor. This one I'd run my fingers over pensively for a few brief moments before slipping the clean metal casing open and breathing in the fumes of another time. These days I stop and think to myself how often I'd done this. It strikes me as odd in the way that I thought myself over the events it contains. I thought I could finally move on and not wonder about the "what ifs" and the "then whats".
The man in those pictures; the people that were around us, and the things that happened to us have affected me in more than one way. In fact, I am a completely different person from who I surely would have become had it not been for his presence in my life. Surely, anyone could say that for anyone at all. But it's what happened in the end of the time we had together that changed me the most...
- The hallways twisted in ways I couldn't follow, and after several complicated turns we found ourselves in a darkened passage. The first opening on the left was without any door save the typical thick curtain common in hospitals; beneath it a thick line of austere light reflected off the patterned tiled floors. I hesitated before I followed the other two beyond its wavering boundaries. I closed my eyes and took a breath to calm the already rapid beat of my heart, and couldn't help but wish it were more like the resounding beeps in the distance, too slow to be life-giving. I allowed the pressure of the now-empty hall give me the strength to follow the others into the room.
On a bed in the corner, amidst a web of wires and tubes anchored here and there by machines and monitors of varying sizes and displays, lay a man I had come to love. His face pale, my eyes slipped down to where several of those same tubes and wires ended unseen behind a thin hospital gown draped somewhat carelessly across his torso. The younger woman reached up and adjusted it for him and smiled lightly as a bit of ragged breath escaped from her chest...
These are things that I have seen in my head too often lately. Things I wish never were... Things I thought I was over, but for some reason keep cropping up. What is it, if anything, that I need to see in them? I feel that because of all this, I do the things I do; I feel the way I feel...
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Numb It Up
Dumb It Down
You turn me on... -- The Greek Song, Rufus Wainwright
I've found that numbing my mind to the thoughts I've not yet been able to come to terms with in the past 20-some years has been working. I've done that all day, and I have to say, I feel the better for it. It does help when I have friends around to make the going less rough.
I am tired, though, and I think that I think too much when I'm tired. I can't find any other way of trying to stay awake than to flip through the dossier of unsolved mysteries I've kept carelessly stored in the back of my mind... If I read, I fall asleep. If I play games, I fall asleep; and it appears that though my schedule has opened up considerably, my few friends have suddenly grown too busy. So back at square one, hey.
My feelings on the wedding situation are still strong, if only less pronounced in my waking thoughts. The presence of these things will eventually fade as the weeks go by and peter out with the cooler weather. When I think on such an event, I can't help but find myself surprised, not so much at the fact that it might eventually fade away, but rather that I could treat it with such indifference.
That brings me to my next question: am I so cold hearted, or is the fear in my heart for the truth, or cruelty, of the situation that strong? In light of the latter part of the question, I must insist that the two options I've chosen -- truth and cruelty -- are diametric. One cannot overlap the other in any possible way, and so I feel both fully cover the gamut of possibilities.
I've thought of this quite a bit the past couple of days. I've sat outside in the heat and in the cold by myself wondering if what I've done in my life is proper -- if it is something I have control over or if it is one of those "subtle complexities inherent to my design". While I'm never sure of the answer, I can find myself easily believing both. On the one hand, you have the armies of Believers who say its a Sin; on the other the tender safety-net minds who mutter casual "love who you are" and "don't fight the truth"...
I'm not sure what I'm here for. That is something that has been on my mind a lot, and just recently has it become a problem again. I'm not sure why I've been kept about, except for something great, and the longer I'm left alive and well, I wonder if perhaps it's not something great I'm needed to see so much as something that I'm to begin. That scares me. Mostly because I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to begin. If I knew, rest assured, I'd get on getting it on as soon as possible; I can't stand not knowing and waiting about to see how it's all going to end as much as the next person. And what truly scares me is the "Is God real?" issue that's been floating about for the past two-thousand-plus years.
So take some time to think about what you might be around for. I know some of us are already doing it, and that's great. But if you can't think of why, pick a reason and work toward that in the mean time. If it's not what you're needed for, I'm sure you will find out sooner or later what it is supposed to be, but at least you'll get to see something through before you get there...
I'll be there with you, doing the same.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The Wedding
The events leading up to this wedding were somewhat unpredictable. I couldn't help but wonder if yesterday was truly happening while I was in it. In the morning, while rushing around between getting suits and getting belts and getting haircuts, I got pulled over. The cop was nice enough, and helped me out a bit. He didn't give me a ticket for speeding, though I was going 51 in a 35, but he did give me a ticket for my inspection, which was about five months overdue. He told me to get that taken care of, and then I might get the ticket waved. Who knows, though, I'm a bit apprehensive about going in for it today (I got it fixed yesterday)... I just want to relax before tonight.
The wedding was .... strange, as well. I wasn't the best man. It wasn't something that surprised me. I had often wondered who would be the best man at my brother's wedding. To be honest, we never got along well enough to do that sort of thing. I had recently decided, however, that he would have been mine, should that event ever occur (and on that note, I've quite a lot of thought, but I'll save it for another time). It wasn't long after I had made that decision that he came to me and told me I wasn't the best man. Andrew, his best friend from high school was. Again, it doesn't matter much to me, but...
From the moment it began, I felt as though we were building a wall around us. The pressure inside the self-made chamber increased my awareness of the events unfolding around me ten-fold. It felt unreal; it felt... awkward. The hundred pairs of eyes watching everything happening at the front of the long, skinny room only added to the surreality of it all, and though I've said it before, I wasn't sure it was happening...
It was a usual wedding. Everyone had the big-day nerves: The bride rushed down the isle while trying to obey her father's commands to go slowly -- he, on the other hand kept shoving a hand in his pocket to sop up the tears already flowing down his cheeks and fogging his glasses. The groom and the bride both stuttered a bit on their vows, but gave it the old Devon try. The whole while, standing up there -- which, while I'm sure it took some time, felt like it breezed by -- I felt as though I stood in a doorway, eternally suspended between one room and another, only this latter one was the entirety of the world outside. I couldn't move my spirit through it faster than it was already moving, and the heaviness of the situation weighed down on me as I avoided looking at my parents and only managed to stare emptily at Michelle.
Though the whole ordeal (in as much as it can be called such a thing) is over with now, my thoughts and feelings are squandered on unimportant notes like the weather, and what time I work tonight and tomorrow. I can't help but think of other things, because my mind is tired from all the questions running through my head... I can't say more on the subject; it's not my day to ruin -- it's theirs, and I know that they are happy with it and how it went. I think it's nice for them to finally be together the way they have both wanted for quite some time. I believe... I hope things will turn out alright in the end. For them... for everyone. I suppose that is what Faith is; but I can't help but wonder how things will work out for us all on its way to the end...
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Tears and Fears
Just leave me alone! -- Knock 'em Out, Lily Allen
It feels like I've been running around more than usual, even though I've had more time to sleep. Last night I got off from a particularly rough night at work. CodyMo left the bar "set" as he would call it, but it felt more like it was prepped for a Monday night rather than a Friday. Something happened, to say the least, and we ran out of everything, and so, for my first actual night, I'm having to call for back up, there are about four or five other people who know how to make drinks coming back to make their own drinks more often than not, and for the few people I actually did serve myself, I made a nice 51 quid. Satisfying. Some good friends came and sat at my top for a bit and it was nice to actually do something for them, and to have conversation and people to watch the crazy things that were happening to me; they did, however, miss the fantastic moment when one of the mix machines fell apart and all but spewed more than half its contents out on the floor.
Needless to say, I got home, made a few unconnected calls, and fell asleep. I suppose I was more tired than even I realized, because I woke in the middle of the night and fought with myself to get up and turn the tele off... and then it was around 8am.
Today, Jon and I went to the bookstore and looked for a book for him. He didn't find the one he was looking for, and I had never heard of it, so I wasn't much help, but he did find a book he had been wanting since someone had apparently stolen it from him, and I got a nice book happily titled "The Shortest Way to Hades". I'm looking forward to an enjoyable read... once I get done with the two other books I'm supposed to be working on from Shad. I keep running out of time! Ah, but no excuses, eh? I did get my Stimulus check in yesterday or so. It was a peculiar 413, rather than just 300, or even the wonderful 600 that I was really hoping for, and which Jon received. I suppose I can't be too cross about it, after all, I did receive money for free, and I did get more than the bare minimum...
Josh's wedding is coming up in a couple of days. I'm not ready for it. I thought I was, and I think I am, but I know inside me I'm not... Among the other things on my mind is this whole deal involving who I can and can't talk to. Jon told me today I talk to much. It didn't occur to me later that he might have been referring to that exact moment in conversation when he casually slipped it in with a percolating laugh. I should have known. At any rate, I have made a choice to stop being so ... oratory, especially since I'm not a master at the issue; it might save a handful of souls from certain undermining rumours and derisive dictation.
Family is about to come in. I need to be gone...
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
A Day Off
Everything's just wonderful;
I'm having the time of my life -- Everything's Just Wonderful, Lily Allen
It's been quite some time since I've had a day off, and I must tell you that I think I am not enjoying it half as much as I wish I would. There is too much on my mind, from things concerning old friends and new friends, relationships that have been in progress for a long time, and relationships that are yet to begin; I even find myself still mulling over the places I've been, the places I need and want to go -- the two are dichotomous -- and even the place that I am, spiritually, mentally, and physically.
When I actually do find myself having time to sit and write about the many thoughts that flow through my mind, I'm not able to get it all out. Why? What is it that keeps me going. I get sick at how my days off are more hectic than my days on, because I have so many places to go and so many things to do, and I can't even bring myself to do them all. I've got even more things on a secondary list, and am quite close to composing a tertiary one, just so I can feel better about getting to the one before it.
This shouldn't be the way things are.
As for the relationships: I feel a little concerned about the whole wedding issue. I am the last of four brothers, and I am also the youngest. Add to that list that I am the last unwed as of this coming Monday, May 12, 2008. Now, the manner of the weddings, as exhibited among my brothers, does leave a little room for me to relax as to the concept, but all the same, I do still wonder if getting married is even in my schedule, and would it even be worth it? I want to; don't get me wrong. I want to get married more than anything. I want to have a little girl, and maybe a little boy. And I want to have a wife that I can spoil and protect... but I still want all that for myself.
This isn't what I had wanted to put up for the first post in quite some time, but it's all I have to say at the moment. My mind must be playing tricks on me again...
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