Monday Morning

Our God is an Awesome God

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The air today is clean. Some radical mixture of moisture and purity: things you don't smell too often here. The memories it brings to life. It reminds me of the ocean and of California as a child, but most of all, it reminds me of those times I spent in the mountains, and in San Antonio for some reason. It smells reassuring, and peculiarly positive. There is nothing quite like it. The cool air blowing on my face, and wildly ruffling my hair brings back to the times when all was youthful innocence. To the times when we were allowed to go out and do our own thing without any fear of consequence. I remember the camps, the retreats, the missions, if there were only a few, and I miss them. My soul longs for them with quiet passion, slowly growing louder and louder as the day progresses. The more time I spend outside, I am reminded of the now seemingly incomprehensible ammounts of joy, and desire, and passion. How free I was then? How much more like a child? I had more to care for, more to desire for, and less to worry about. Surely, my struggles have changed little over the years; I still battle with what I despise the most. But there is more to worry over, more people than I can keep straight.

Back then, the small handful of lovers I had were enough to keep me going. We kept each other going, in the rough and in the smooth. There was nothing that came between us, until we grew older, more wiser, and isn't that the curse of ages? Wasn't that what set us apart from the Garden all those years ago? Wisdom, how lovely your features, how poison your kiss. To know you is to die, and to know Pain and Hurt as well...

I did not dream of work last night. How joyous an occasion this is! I dreamt of Cade, and Christie's song, "Julia", was on the radio, I think, and a few other random things, but I don't remember them now. I think I dreamt of the twins, and of Nate, and his father died... I should call him and see how he is.

I will go through the rest of my day enjoying this beautiful weather that God has sent to me.

Sunday Morning

This was a game, you were just playing, and now I'm losing you!
I'm a victim of love... -- Victim of Love, Elton John

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I could not really sleep at all last night. It took forever to fall asleep, and during the morning hours, I felt like I was being tossed up and down... or pressed, or surged as though I were on an up-and-down roller coaster. I woke up about an hour early, and spent the rest of the morning trying to sleep and get over that feeling. Perhaps it was the beer? It was blue moon... Maybe I should just avoid beer all together, instead of trying to like it.

I got up and went to Saishyo Enkei a little late, only to remember as I was driving up on an empty parking lot at about 8:05 that we didn't have class this week. Great. I drove back home, and played WoW. I think I'm addicted.... gurr to Forrest.

So sick as I am, and exhausted as I am, I'm going to go to work and see what I can make for my money this weekend... and when it's over, I'm coming back home, and I'm not spending a penny of it ... I mean, you know, I say that, but... I should get better control of my budget. The months almost over; there is waay to much at stake and too much I have to do for me to be out wasting money.

Saturday Night

I could talk to you 'til I'm blue in the face,
But we still would arrive at the very same place
With you runnin' around, and me out of the race... -- That's Just What You Are, Aimee Mann

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I got off work around 1620 today. I was very happy about it, too. I made 30 dollars, but whatever. Then I sat down and ordered a big steak with lots of junk on it, and spent that 30$. I laugh about that one. The meal was that much because I ordered the steak with stuff on it, and a Blue Moon (which I discovered is only good with an orange in it :p), and then I had to leave a tip. My server didn't have change, so I just let her keep the whole shabang ... shi... shebang... whatever. She was shocked, but it means she'll come in and eat in my section sometime and order a smothered steak, which is good, because I don't ever get any of those.

When I was walking into work today, though, I held my phone up in front of me and began turning the volume down so it would not ring while I was working. Then it hit me: I remembered that I did dream about work last night, and that I got in trouble about having my phone out at work. Now, either that did happen in my dream, or it happened yesterday at work, and I just don't remember it. It could well have been either, because I have poor memory often. Either way, I do not remember my dream from last night, and only remembered that when I pulled my phone out to look at it, so anything could be possible.

On another note, Kati-with-an-i choked me at work today. She's always hurting me, so I don't ever think about it. Today she reached up and put her hand around my throat... and I thought, eh.... It wasn't until she had her fingers digging into my neck, cutting off blood-flow, and air supply that I panicked. She freaked out when I coughed and slumped back a little. Oh and she let go, of course. She was shocked to see how fragile my neck was, and explained that she didn't mean to do that. Meanwhile, I'm sputtering and trying to recover my breath (it was a full hour or so later that I finally felt normal). Tears are filling my eyes and I'm doubled over trying to keep whatever is in my stomach from coming up (the sound I made when I coughed the first time was not inviting). We laughed about it, but I decided it would be a good idea for me to start strengthening my neck...

Saturday Morning

That's why I do the best I can
To treat each citizen of Oz as sons or daughters... -- Sentimental Man, Wicked

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In keeping with my decision yesterday concerning writing more often in my journal or in my blog, I am here to report for what it is worth the evets of yesterday.
Basically, it sucked. I don't know what else to tell you. Well, it wasn't that bad. I did work all day only to make about 40$, but Seth and I hung out some more and played WoW. He's trying to get my addicted... it might be working, but I don't know if I want to pay for that again? I'm already paying for FFXI:online... and I like that game a lot. I should play that game, hm?

There was no crazy crap going on at work last night, though. I got in and I got out, if maybe a lot later than I had honestly hoped. I was put in a mid-section, instead of the first-cuts, and they didn't cut Volumes (doubles) first like they should... oh well, at least I didn't have to clean a whole bunch of rediculous crap. I go back into work today at 12.

I didn't dream about work last night as far as I can remember. Either that, or my mind is helping me to forget it, because of all the stress it seems to be putting on my shoulders... or maybe I dream about work, because I'm already stressed? I can't figure it out. Anna said I should pray about it, so I tried doing that, and I'll continue to try doing that, I guess. At any rate, I have to go. I'll be around again soon.

I've Been Busy

Goodbye, Caroline.
You're my favourite faith-healer... -- Goodbye Carroline, Aimee Mann

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I apologize for my lengthy absense (or was it not really that long?), I have been working a lot lately. And when I'm not at work, I should be doing schoolwork. I have a few tests on Monday I need to study for, and the longer I put it off, the worse it will be for me.

But as for my job, I got a new one, at Texas Roadhouse, as a server. I like it; at least the money is better. But there is one strange thing, I feel so stressed out about it all! There is this constant feeling that I'm not doing it right, and that I suck horribly, and that I'm going to lose my job if I don't watch what I'm doing, but I know that I am doing it right -- or as right as I can be while still being new. The main thing is the new menu I have to know. It is completely different from the Italian one I had worked with for more than a year.

What I don't understand is how I could be more stressed about this job than my last one! I don't really dream of work... I'm sure I did once or twice back in high school, but I know I haven't in a long time. There were a couple of times I dreamt about it while I was working for the Italian place, and that was bad. But it seems like the only thing I dream about these days is work. And it is so stressful! I don't know why, either, but I'm getting fed up with it. I don't get enough good sleep, and so when I go into work, I'm at a disadvantage, and that makes doing my best something difficult to accomplish.

I have to go eat lunch here in a few minutes and then go into work all day...
Please, if anyone has any thoughts or ideas, please speak up, because I'm almost willing to try anything.

**

Addendum: After reviewing a few things, I decided that (1)it has been a long time since I last updated, and (2)updating my blog (or just writting in general) would be a good thing to do, because it may help me to get all this stress out of my heart and mind about this and other things, rather than just keep it all bundled up inside me.... But still, I leave that proposition open for anyone's opinions; feel free.

Privately Purposefully Pensive

A roaming journal entry. Dated Sixth of November, two-thousand six, at 10:35pm

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I've thought throughout the day about the random things that make me truly happy.

Last night it rained. I only heard it, but it made me smile. It put my mind at ease.

A few weeks ago it stormed, and I awoke in the middle of the night long enough to smile, reach my hand out, maneuver my body around so I could touch the window, and promptly fell asleep, still smiling.

Tonight, I have a hot ceramic mug -- the handle is still cold. Though it is empty, it is the sensation of the temperature that makes me feel better. I hold it in my hands; I press it against my face, and my nose rests on the handle.

Even in solitude, there is joy, because of God

I spend too much time worrying about friends who have come and gone. Imagine if I did the same about these things! What a waste!

I Saw Something Funny

While doing some research.

For those of you who don't know, there is an interesting word:
mete;
and it is a synonym of sorts for the word "appropriate" or "assign."

It's pronounced "meat," by the way.
So go check out this hillarious blog I found. The link to the woman's blog will now be found on the right side of my page, under... Links. Amazing, really.

Enjoy.

Halloween Highlights

"It's quite large."
--the Mother, The Changeling

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I wanted to dress up and go to the school for a costume contest; of course, I didn't. I woke up late, for one, and the costume I wanted to have couldn't be completed the way I wanted: part of the costume cost way more than I had figured, and the other part was no longer for sale. So sadly I went home, and did nothing all day.

At night I went to eat with my parents, and some other people came along. It isn't like I didn't want to eat with them... I just wasn't in the mood for other people; more specifically, people I knew would heckle me about mundane things. But all that aside, I went back to the mall with my parents, and just seeing everyone walking around with a costume on made me feel crapy, so I went and bought a pair of small black wings. I can use these for my desired costume, it will just have to look a little different on Saturday when our belated Halloween party is.

Donning the wings I strut around the mall for a little bit, and then after a short break at home, I go to the local Starbucks and chill. Haile and I eventually meet up and go to see the annual Halloween film at the Paramount.

As you can tell, it was a very drab and dull holiday, but it's done, and that means that Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming along soon enough.

I start my new job Thursday for real. We'll see how it goes.