Thoughts

Oh, it's what you do to me -- Hey There Delilah, Plain White T's

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If you've never heard this song before, I highly recommend listening to it. The version I have is acoustic (though I don't know if it's the original or not -- I mean, there could be some other version that is more common... like... rock).

I just got a message on myspace from my cousin Jess, and I was thinking about how in just two weeks' time, I'll be moving out to San Diego. I thought about how interesting it was that both my brother and I desired to move out there so badly, ever since we were both young.

And then I started thinking about my parents, and how I want them to move out there, also, but before they can, there will be time of them being here -- alone. Or, they may never move out there; I don't know how I feel about that. Sure, I've thought about it all before, but I've never really sat down and thought about it, you know? There's a difference, I think.

It is breaking my heart, though, I want you all to know. I worry for them. I am concerned for them. They'll be all alone here in the big Midwest...

Struming My Pain...

But it hurts when I think,
When I let it sink in... -- 4 in the Morning, Gwen Stefani

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I'm finding myself appreciative of how every time I turn the radio on these days, it either seems to be beginning, or about to play one of three songs:

• Lost Without U, Robin Thicke
• 4 in the Morning, Gwen Stefani
• Say It Right, Nelly Furtado

Tonight I heard some random Slim Shady song (after Robin, of course), and it was funny ("'you got a tatoo? what's that say? rest in pieces? uh... that's great.'"), but I still am awed by how this music seems to creep into every bit of my heart and mind.

I don't mind it so much; after all, it manages to say everything I can't seem to say myself. And tonight, I had some friendly advice from an "oldie". She told me that you will see what you want in everyone you come across, but what comes and is said or done, is just that, and when it's all said and done, it's just that. Her point was that there will be more who are right, and that just because that one was there, it doesn't mean it was the last, or even the right thing.

Being the kind of guy that I am, I'd like to think it was right, but I'm just a hopeless romantic on the inside, and we all know what kind of saps those people can be... hah.... hahah...

If You Want It Just Ask...

I'm lost without you;
I cant help myself.
How does it feel
To know that I love you, baby? -- Lost Without U, Robin Thicke

---

I dashed off to work and, for some reason, I had a lot of energy tonight. It wasn't such a bad thing, though I think my internal mechanisms were messed up due to the way I slept last night on that poor couch; it was one or the other for a bed, and neither are heavenly.

After work, I went to play some pool, but all I could think about was Taani.

I'm not a stalker. I swear upon whatever book they put under your hand these days, and if you don't believe me, well that's not my problem, because I know what I mean, and life goes on.

But I think about just spending time, hanging out, and really getting to know each other... while I'm sober. While we're sober. I just want one chance..., but... would that one moment really change anything for either of us? Would it just make me more addicted to the idea of it all, and nothing ever be accomplished?
It's likely.

But I still would want the chance...

It's not such a bad thing. I am around other people, and I'm stronger, because of it all. I don't fall prey to such simple seductions, because I feel like I'm waiting for something better. I know what I want in a partner, and I know that I can wait for it.

but it hurts my heart to think i may never get the one who began it all

Through the Storm

You could mean everything to me... -- Say It Right, Nelly Furtado

---

I ended up staying in Dallas last night, against my decision to leave, but I had forgotten about the storm that would be coming through. Still, even with that, I made good time and got home safely.

On a good note, the O Bar added to my tab 21.60, raising it to a total of $71.60; tip = $3.60.

While it's not the 12 dollars I had wanted to leave, the problem is solved, and my friend Michael assured me today that places like that will fix mess-ups, and add at least 15% gratuity if there is no tip.... I don't know if that is exactly fifteen percent or not, but at least it's all solved. I felt terrible, I can assure you all, and I was even considering going back down and handing them 30 dollars just to feel better about it. Michael also informed me that I would still be allowed to enter the Bar, and that I probably would not be remembered for that, if for anything at all.

Awkward

Just a little look has got me feeling things
Just a little touch has got me seeing things
Just a little taste has got me off the chains
Doing things that I don't want to -- Do It, Nelly Furtado

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So, as I think I might have mentioned (and if not, well, read on avid digesters, because you'll soon hear), I was in DFW this past weekend.
And I made a big fool of myself...

Let's start off before all that:
I was getting sick on Thursday, and like before (about two months ago), so I thought (of course, at my mother's always-golden advice) it would be best for me to go ahead and go to the doctor and get some meds. Hooray for steroids, and anti-biotics that creep back up your esophagus.

Fast forward -- Saturday 8am:
After having arrived in town the evening before, I spent the night with Jon, and got up early to go to the Convention Center for the Lone Star Competition sponsored by Mizuno. La was coaching; Kaydee was playing, and so was my cousin, Kelly.... I don't really want to sit around and talk about the whole competition, but I'll let you guys know that in the end (on Monday at about 3:50pm) Kelly's team EPIC won the whole tourney; adding that to the won they got in Atlanta, they're going to be Seeded rather high in the National Volleyball Tournament in July.

Saturday night:
I got drunk. Well, no.... yeah. I got drunk. La and Taani took me out with a friend named Thomas (accent on the a), and we went to the O Bar, and then to some other places that I have no idea what they're names are... except they called one a "poser" bar.The frist awkward event that I just found out about, is that my tab was 68 dollars (no I didn't drink all those, and at one point, getting a series of drinks was an effort to keep Taani from buying me another). Herein lies the problem. with a 68 dollar tab, I left a 12 dollar tip. I looked on my bank account, and I only spent 50. Bottom line: I feel terrible. I looked at my copy of the receipt, and it sort of does look like a 50, but I doubt I wrote that down on the other one... God, I feel bad... I can't get over that right now.

To top it all off, I made a big fool of myself, and I was doing nothing but trying to impress Taani. Tell me someone else is an idiot like me and said stupid shit like **"I've liked you for a while," and "I'm sorry I'm moving." It gets better. Taani made those awkward forward touches, at the beginning (which I'm totally not against!), but it changed when we left the O Bar... I don't know (that's when I said all that dumb ass stuff). But then there were times (afterward) when I clutched on to his arm to help guide me through, and he helped out. And then it got more confusing as we crossed the street at one point, and he reached back to hold my hand. Of course I took it without thinking, and we crossed the street, and he put me up in front of him. Analyze that and come out with an answer: he didn't want me falling behind, but it sure as hell confused me. Then he got my next drink for me (even though it was free to begin with, but the thing was his particular favourite...) and proceeded to lead me outside (again with the arm thing, not the hand). And then it kind of went downhill from there.

We left and went home, but on the way I kind of fell asleep and he poked fun at me from the front seat. I lied about it, though whenever he called out for me, I answered, so it wasn't so bad... I just don't know why I lied about it. Shitty, how people can make you screw up.

It was one of those things that the next day you woke up and said to yourself "Damnit." ...
"What the hell!" was probably more precisely on my mind.

I went to the competition, and I found La and Taani, and said hey. Awkward: La wasn't too conversive.
I went over to Taani and sat down and began a little small talk. He asked how my cousin was doing, and I answered, and then I apologized for acting a fool the night before. He laughed and gave me an awkward look with the "... no" answer (you know the kind). I corrected him, and said that of course I was the fool, and I felt bad for it. He shook his head and said he didn't care as long as everyone had fun. I told him I did, but that was the end of that...

I don't mean to keep this already long conversation going, but I really like this guy. He's tall, dark (Tongan), really smart, money-smart... it just goes on. Beautiful in more than one way... I just don't know what the hell to do. I almost hate to leave Texas just for this one person, even if it doesn't work out, I would consider it more worthy of my time to pursue him.

---

**So at this point, the conversation went like this in the back seat of the car:
"I'm not going to lie, I've liked you for a while now."
He looked at me and laughed; "How can you? After having just met? [We haven't even gotten to know each other yet!]"
"How?"
"I don't know," he laughed, and waved his phone. "Text; E-mail?"
Here's where I got his number, and he told me how to spell his name, and I got it right in my phone, I swear, but I was so drunk that when I sent him a text with my number in it, I spelt it wrong (but swore it was right -- icing on the cake).

Nerves

the time is ticking

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It's slowly creeping up on me like some unseen danger lurking in the darkness. I'm moving in less than a month!!

I'd like to sit and take the time to share with you all how I feel totally and absolutely confident about this, but I can't. I fear for my life. I am afraid in a not so scream-and-jump kind of way. I'm very very nervous about my finances. I'm not so concerned with the actual "being out there", but with the "getting there" part.

... It's not like me to do this sort of thing, but if anyone actually happens across this, and feel the need to donate and help me out, I'm not going to lie, I'll accept whatever I can get.

Prayers would be most graciously accepted.

A Cold Wind Blew

And brought to me forgotten memories
As though my life were to pass by in the next few seconds,
And I never to see it return again...

---

As I stepped outside my door, the cool damp air met my skin, and a smell I had forgotten for what seems now like ages filled my nostrils with its sweet perfume. The strange turn in the weather brought me back to a time before the battered shack in the field of dreams. It brought me to a cold land far in the north, where two boys met and played, and lost what they thought they knew and loved during the War. It brought me back to a place called Devon, and a hope for a future that no one could have. It brought me to a friendship where he played a solemn nocturne on a flute in the mist, and I wandered below with a sword, practicing against unseen demons; though I smiled then. I smile now, but it was more.... more...

My thoughts trail away from me now. It is something I expect. I seem to recall this happening before, but as soon as I am away from the feeling, I forget ever having it. This time I was determined to remember. To reminisce and to record its occurrence, no matter how little sense it makes. So that I may not forget...

But it is so easy...

Memories

"The summer rain that falls
Blends with my tears
From the Images that resemble Memories... -- SAKURAドロップス, Utada [[my translation]]

---

The wind blows carelessly through the trees outside, and their branches scratch hopelessly against my window like the crying desires of a heart unanswered.

Years have passed since the time I was a child, and I stood knowingly in the light-filled doorway that separated the man-made darkness from the outside world. Too much time has passed since I first looked out upon a landscape flowing in the same wind that calls to me now; its ruffling waves of ecstasy still sing to an unheard melody.

Where have I gone in the days that have not ceased to turn the planet through the immense darkness of space? What has my soul been searching for in the vacuum of darkness beyond the world's edge? Who has my soul belonged to, and who has it pined for?

In these dying hours, I still reminisce about a life I had once forgotten. A life I had once loved more than any other. I cry in the shadows of my room, where my bed is not my own, and I secretly pray for a return to that land of light; even if I returned to the shadows of the knowledge of Men, I would still be a far happier creature.

Would my heart not beat more strongly than it does now?

Would my mind not think more clearly than it does now?

Would my soul not shine more brightly than it seems it does now?

Sand

I fall in Love and say It's over
I promise that this will be my last heartbreak
Even the Cherry Blossoms sway in the wind
And bloom again... -- SAKURAドロップス, Utada Hikaru

---

Time keeps pacing by like sand through the hour glass. I guess that T.V. spokesman was right: these are the days of our lives.

More seriously, though, I am a little concerned about what is going to happen next. I don't have a whole lot of money, and I would really like to go on some trips to spend time with Christians and grow stronger in God and the Word, and that way when I'm out in California, I'll be motivated to go find a church and not feel bad about it.

Mom seems to think it's easy, but I find a little anxiety in my heart when I think about it. Although, to be fair, that could be the fact that I'm low on cash and still have to take care of my car before I go romping through the desert. :P

Hirai Ken and Utada Hikaru are keeping me happy, though; who could be sad when they're singing songs about love and life in your ear? No one; that's who.

I am going to miss the people here, but I can't think on that right now. I am trying to keep my head up, and get things done first, and then I will wonder about how things will turn out, and the people I'm leaving behind.

I met a guy named Michael (just mentioning his name makes me think of "Who Is Like God Free Raven" and his family... I do hope they're all right. I miss them so much). Anyway, Michael is attracted to me, and I am to him, at least a little, but the thing is, I'm leaving, and as I've already demonstrated, I won't let anything on this mortal plane come between me and the plan I think God has for me. So, yes, unless something happens to put me in acting and directing, I'm going to be a doctor. And if that something does happen, then I'll use the money to go to medical school. There's something about healing people that I'm drawn to; I can't explain it. Ever since I was little, and even just sitting near a person made them feel better. Robert Jordan, if you ever read this, then just know that there is something to the One Power, I guess.

Christie, I do miss being around you. I still knit; do you? What have you been up to? Please do keep in touch... I think about the old days more than I probably should. I think about how we used to spend hours at the house on Fourth-and-Willis with our best friends. I think about how we went to L.A. together, and how we met in the cramped trunk space of a van on the way to San Antonio. I think about the prophecy that was spoken over us, and how the speaker and her husband affected our lives and then faded away. I think about Brady and all the love he has had for us (it still flows, I want you to know, so never forget)...

I think about the fights we had, and the arguments.
But nothing can tarnish the gold and silver gilding of our relationship. It was something special... no, it is something special.

I only regret that we've moved on, and away from those peaceful times. From the field of tall grass and from the shack we hid our hearts in.

I'll pray for a return to that time. To that place. To that day...

Kumo no mukô, yakusoku no basho.

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"Beyond the Clouds, the Promised Place" is actually an anime movie, and a very good one, so please watch it if you get the chance. And please, no worries -- anyone -- about boys or girls, or whatever. I am who I am, and God is a God of Light and Love. I work hard to keep my eyes on the Goal of Him, I don't need any criticism; trust me, I am hard enough as it is on myself.