Lullaby

This is unlike the story it was written to be... -- Peach, Plum, Pear, Joanna Newsom

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My name is Daniel.

I am a human, but you know that, of course. Why would you expect me to be any different? You wouldn’t, no questions asked. That’s just the way it is. We’re all humans here; that makes perfect sense.

But what if we’re not? The universe is staggeringly vast! Why all the empty space? Neither Creationism nor Darwinism has opposed the possibility of extra-terrestrial life-forms. They do not verify the existence of such things, either, but instead, lend to the possibility. The mere possibility is there, just the glimmer of hope, in both beliefs, and that is something they’ve never disagreed on. Furthermore, both show how possible such a feat can be, and how relatively easy considering the processes. First, Darwinism gives rise to “survival of the fittest”, a theory of evolution which exists in day-to-day life regardless of the truth or untruth behind its source. Creationism, meanwhile, states that the whole universe was created in seven days, with a specific focus on our own Earth and what lived on it. In the Bible, anyone can read (nowadays) that there are clearly other life-forms which we may or may not see. Angels and Demons are not necessarily space-craft faring creatures, but by the mere definition of the word, they are in fact aliens: extra-terrestrial beings. So by that we can safely assume that other life exists other than on our planet (how shamefully prideful that we should think the stars were created merely for our pleasure)!

Science aside, I feel in my heart that there are other things out there. Are they friend or foe? Advanced or Neolithic? Humanoid or otherwise? Bi-pedal, Quadra-pedal; do they fly or swim? Can they breathe what we can, or do they breathe at all? So many questions, and no answers. Just Human curiosity and Human supposition and all those other things which lend so easily to error.

It has been said that “Curiosity killed the cat”, but the personification of such a thing can only have one of two meanings: The cat was too slow to learn from his mistakes, or that Man, being feeble, has cleverly attempted to impede his own growth in exchange for longevity.

My brain hurts these days.
And my heart hurts.
And I can’t seem to find the answers to the questions I have. Nor can I find the rest I’ve needed for far too long. I find myself falling in love with the impossible, but how impossible is what I love, if I can love it at all?

Christmastime Again

It's been said many times, many ways...
Merry Christmas... -- The Christmas Song, Michael Bublé

---

Like the paradoxes found commonly around the life of the Doctor, I awoke this morning to find season four of "Doctor Who" underneath my tree. I had been convinced (due mostly in part to the BBC America's advertisement that I should reserve the box now) that the box set of said season wouldn't be available until early next year! What a wonderful Christmas, indeed! The best part about all this is that today before I sat down to write this out, I watched the episode which doesn't air until Saturday: The Unicorn and the Wasp! How fantastic is that? Very, that's how.

I'm still working on what I set out to do, but it seems I've been able to keep somewhat close to the line I drew for myself. It's been difficult, I won't lie, but I don't think it will be too hard. At the same time, not knowing the exact parameters for such an event, I've got quite the job cut out for me to stay within the bounds.

In other news, I awoke first thing this morning to a wonderful message from my best friend about the day, and I knew it would be a good day. Although, I do have to start working on my list of possible resolutions. I do have this one I've made every year since I've started writing, but I've never really been able to see it through. I wonder if I'll be able to do that this time around? I hope that Christmas is finding all of you in a better place than you've been, and I hope that it is as wonderful for you as it surprisingly has been for me. All my love, dear friends, and best wishes.

Doors

Right under my feet is air made of bricks -- Melt My Heart to Stone, Adele

---

I had made my decision, and I knew it wouldn't be pretty the next day. After not sleeping enough, I got myself up and got to work on time and did the whole "cheery work kid" ordeal. It wasn't so hard, mostly because I was feeling better about how things were about to be going, but before I got done with work that day, the girl came through and I didn't even look at her hardly at all. She got the picture. I didn't say anything mean, and I didn't glare at her, I just didn't acknowledge her more than for someone I didn't know, and it was hard, and it hurt, and it was exactly the sort of thing I had been avoiding for so long.

It occurred to me then that I hadn't quite decided how to go about this new change in my life. Sure, when something like this happens, the original reaction is just to separate yourself from it all, and not have contact with anyone. That makes sense, but what if you can't? And that's how it was.

It came to the point where I went home and did all the chores I had to do and then went back up to work to give some scarves to a co-worker for Christmas, and she was there again. In the silent spaces when we were left alone, she looked at me and lit a cigarette.
"Hey," she said cautiously, "are you okay?"
I grunted noncommitally.
"Are you... mad at me?" She said the last words slowly, and I was shocked to hear there was a sort of fear in her voice as they came out. I turned my gaze toward her for the first time, and looked her in the eyes.
"Since you're asking: Yes, I am."
And we entered into the conversation where she made her point, and I mine. She apologised for having such bad timing, but was glad she was a catalyst for such a change in my life. At the same time, she didn't want to go down on the wrong side, because she felt she didn't deserve to be cut down with the rest of them. I told her she was right, and after all I had said in the previous blog, I couldn't help but think about all the instances in which she'd proved herself to me as a wonderful close friend over and over. The problem was, and I told her so, I couldn't manage to separate her from the event, and I really didn't want to lose her at all. Well, in the end we both gave our apologies, and I invited her to hang out with Itz and myself that night. She said okay, and we went on as though nothing had changed.

I'm still not sure how this is all going to go about, but I do know who is to be there after it is all said and done. At any rate, wish me luck.

This Could Be A Brand New Start

And I thought,
Be still my heart,
This could be a brand new start... -- Be Still My Heart, The Postal Service

---

I've had a long day. I've been up for the past 16+ hours. I'm happy to report, though, that as soon as I got done with a few things that I found after work, I went straight home and passed out on the couch for about an hour. It was hard to rouse myself from that, and do some more work-related things, but once I got off the couch, I found I could move about more easily, and I turned on some of Bourdain (whom I love), and I got to work on studying up on some of the things I've got to learn for work. I felt pretty accomplished, and even set about writing down some new ideas for my book I've been working on, and hopefully that will all hit paper within the next day or so.

I'm not too excited about tomorrow, but I think it could go by fast. Another 4am-er, and then I get to run to my old apt and pack up a few things. I think books and clothes should be good for this trip. That will make me feel more accomplished for Saturday's (hopefully) final move of everything I've got. My parent's won't be too happy or supportive of the action (they're Seventh Day Adventists), but I've got to get to work on this. Well, actually, I do need their help, so I might just wait on that whole part. It would be nice though... at any rate, I think I'll at least get finished moving the spare articles and discovering more of myself along the way.

I've decided to do some soul searching, as per the title of this new entry. It started about a week or so ago when I realised that for not the first time in my life, I'm having trouble putting myself at the forefront of... well, my life. I wasn't quite sure what to do about it, and just for that reason I sank into a mild depression. No, nothing severe enough to lose weight over (damnit), but severe enough that it has shook my foundations of belief again. I think this sort of thing will keep happening until I'm where I'm supposed to be and am finally okay with who I am as a person. It's nothing serious, and I think it's actually quite beneficial and healthy, especially since it doesn't happen all that often. Anyway, on to the point: I've decided to perform a sort of "slash and burn" of my relationships and rearrange what I do. I've been sort of talking to my friend Sarah about it all, and she's been there when she could, which is nice. I've also had some intriguing input from my brother, and from a random acquaintance-might-soon-be-friend who comes into my work a lot (she's so sweet: Camila).

This all ties together like this:
I was finishing up my work studies when I got this text message from a girl about how she's going to have a yard sale with a mutual friend this Saturday, and she wanted to know if she could borrow my tables (the ones we use at art walk). I was shocked at myself at how angry I was over this message. It's innocent enough, really, but when she told me she was going to have a yard sale with a different mutual friend in the past, I told her I would love to contribute, and that we needed to do it soon. That was a month ago, and every time I asked her, she just said she didn't know when it would happen and that she needed to get to work on that. Well, here we are several weeks later and she's having one with someone else right out of the blue, and doesn't even ask me if I want to join in. It may seem to you, reader, that this reaction is the immediate napalm result of the mere idea of a dying ember, but there has been a plethora of interesting events involving these people all around that have just been setting up for an explosion of such immense grandeur that in reality it's something to which you should nod slightly in acknowledgment of and mutter how "It's about time" under your breath.

All this thought took no more than a minute to run through my head, and I responded deftly with flat "no". No questions asked before; no questions afterward. Then I made the decision. Rather chain-quest style: "good, you've done this; oh and look here now, here are your new options -- and you thought the future was so dim and hopeless." But there is a catch. I have to rearrange my relationships in a way that benefits me, and that means stranger-danger. That response was the first "selfish" thing I've done in a long time, and it felt good. I have no regrets, and if it's asked of me, I'm ready to say "no," again, and that "it's time I help me out instead of you [all], who do nothing to pay me in return except in your cold insincerities." All is not lost, though. I sent a message to Sarah -- a rather long and wordy one -- about what was about to happen, and I apologised if she got hurt in it, but told her it wasn't my intention and also that I loved her still, and asked if she would be there after I came through the other side.

There was a pause in the conversation, but she said yes and that she supports me in this even if she doesn't understand what is going on at the time. I've said it before, but I can't begin to explain how much I appreciate it.

So, long-winded and forthwith, there you have it, and I shall leave you to it as I've a long day ahead of me.

In Days

He is the subject of their talks... -- Daydreamer, Adele

---

I realise it's been days since I've made an actual post -- weeks, even. Let's face it. My excuse is the same as it always is: I've been busy. Sure, work is one thing, and free time another, and I seem to blend the two while using a secret skill where I avoid doing anything truly productive. Blogging? It's practice! I practice my writing here, which... well, which I might use someday?

Although, it does seem lately, when I do write, I can't seem to think of what it was that made me sit down and say "ah-ha!" Like it doesn't matter anymore, but at the moment it had occurred to me, it had seemed so profound. Everyone will love to hear this! It's so profound, I thought to myself.

Of course it's not. Of course it isn't important enough to remember. I have been working a lot lately. That makes sense. Perhaps that in itself is the issue; not that I have been working, but that I have been using that as an excuse to not write what I have in mind? Perhaps...

There's a boy at work with whom I've grown particularly angry. Annoyed might be the better choice though. He has been found hypocritical in his work by more people than myself, and that includes the manager. It gets better. I may be there to see his direct undoing, and rejoice in stepping up onto his newly vacated throne. That sounds terrible, and it is. It's as terrible as I can make it out to be, because there's no soft way of saying it. When a branch is dead, cut it off. At any rate, it may not be me if it does happen, and it may not happen at all, but I do hope it does, and I know I'm not the only one.

Working For It

Daydreamer sittin' on the sea;
Soakin' up the sun
He is a real lover of makin' up the past... -- Daydreamer, Adele

---

I was having a conversation with :iconstudpup: recently and it came upon finances and why I'm stuck in Texas right now, instead of on the West Coast. He agreed that everyone needed to work on finances, and that keeping goals for getting away in our minds was a good thing.

I agree with him; of course I do. But... The big issue is that I feel like everyone else is getting these experiences and I'm not, and that they just keep going and doing their own thing and that I'm stuck doing this one thing that I don't particularly like!

I want to be able to go across the world and visit foreign lands and see sites and be at peace and truly feel like a working cog in the contraption of life, Earth, and the universe... but I haven't been able to. Recently (like last night) an issue came up between a couple of friends and I about how they are going to Chicago to visit a dear friend, whom I've wanted to visit since he left... I felt jealous and hurt... Why, though; I've asked myself that, and what I should have done, though my reaction of "Wow, I hate you guys; Merry Christmas" seemed appropriate, and got the point across... I got invited, and everyone is even okay with the whole event, but still... I don't want to just up and leave and drop all my fiscal responsibilities on the floor while I'm gone. At the same time, and this is a very big issue for me, I don't want to not be there celebrating New Years with my friends. And I do miss Will (the one who lives in Chicago) so very much. I don't want to be that douche-bag who isn't going... I don't want to be the douche-bag who is, either.

I can't begin to explain how very much it pains me to have to even consider such a choice... I know what I should do for myself; I know what is right for me. But, for the conversation's sake: what should I do?