Hardly Enough

kirameite yurameite aoki ume maihanatsu hana moeyuku -- HANABI, いきものがかり

There's so much to do; so little time.

I've got to pack, for one thing, find moneys, figure out what's going to happen to me during my last days here, and then still say goodbye to all those people who want me to say goodbye. Of course, I've already said goodbye, but they're all wanting me to go out drinking and partying and even a wrestle match. *sigh*

Penny said something that really struck me as odd. Not in a bad way, mind you, but just, odd. She said that the person I've created here will go back to the person I once was and blend to create a happy medium. I agree that that would be an amazing feat of personality, but could it really be possible? The person I was and the person I am now seem at such opposites from one another that I doubt they would be able to blend healthily at all. I can't even begin to comprehend what kind of trouble I would get myself into if I acted the way I do now back home.

At any rate, there's a lot of things I need to do before I go, so I'll take my leave.

Escalating

All I know is you're my favorite mistake. -- My Favorite Mistake, Sheryl Crow

---

It seems that I'm going out in a flash of light and clouds of smoke. I can't stop what I'm doing, but I don't want to keep being irresponsible on my body and my finances.

As much as it has been decided that I will be returning home in October (within the first few days from what it seems), I have been letting loose, and I've still got a whole week to goof off in -- sort of a last minute vacation before I go.

I feel bad enough as it is, leaving everything there, but in comparison, there isn't that much to leave behind after all. I thought that I would be happy living out here, and I am, but things keep happening, and so I'm going back. And I thought I'd be happy to go back, and I am, but you know how things are; it's that same back-and-forth I've been dealing with for some time now. Who am I going to be now, and what will become of the me I tried to pursue here? What will become of the friends I made here and the times I had with them? Will they all just go away, or will they blend into some new phenomenon?

God...

Separate

hikari tsuzuteyou, ano hoshi na you ni -- *~asterisk~, Orange Range

---

I like listening to deaf people laughing. I don't know why, there's something comforting in it. I don't really have anything to write about, but then again, do I ever? I just thought about it all last night, and I figured I'd write about it. It keeps me going to just ramble sometimes; it's healthy.

No, I remember how I felt now, I remember what it was I really should write about.
Last night I realizes who I was here. I realized that I don't really serve any end. That sounds harsh. Let me say, I am me, and everyone else is everyone else. Things happen, but I'm just off to the side, apart from it. It's ... frustrating, being so removed from things, yet watching them happen and not know what to make of it. I've had to learn to be indifferent, but last night, it got to be more frustrating than I could handle. I don't like how it is; I hate it. I hate being on the outside of things. I don't expect people to be immediately wonderful to me, but... it's difficult. Such a big change at my age... I don't know, I think I'm glad it happened now and not later; I don't know how I would have dealt with it if I was older.

On another note, Shad sent me a message that said he missed me a lot several days ago; then he sent me a message that said the same thing, and that if I was ever to go home, he needed a room-mate. Strange, I haven't told anyone. I asked him what was going on, and he sent me a message about it, and then I explained to him, in a way, what was happening, and asked him not to tell anyone, but I don't think that it's going to stay secret for long. I hate the thought of telling people, but I don't think I have a choice, now... Bah.

I've got things to do.

Somehow

I never knew that everyone I knew was waiting on a cue to turn and run,
when all I needed was the truth -- Over My Head (Cable Car), The Fray

---

I think it will be okay. I hear from Miou that she and my brother just want me to do what I feel is right for me. They want me to be okay, and they both spoke with me about it. They gave me comprehensive ears, and sound advice -- two things I greatly appreciate, respect, and admire -- just as mom and dad did, even though tears fell freely as I listened. I can't say I have ever gotten along with Josh that much.
And then I regret making my decision to go home.

So who knows about it, now? Not many. Mom, Dad, Miou, Josh... you oh-so-avid rabid-readers. That's really it... unless the school has figured out that I'm not attending. I played a truant on my first day of classes. Not shaping up to be a very good student, am I? Though, they're not very good admins, are they? Oh, and my room-mate, but I don't even know what his real name is. I forgot it... his and his wife's. But it was only told to me once. Anyway, he just wants me to keep him informed, and he's sorry that things are so rough.

It's good to know that I have such support, but I'm back to the drawing board again, and I still don't know up from down. I still don't know if I should stay or go.... I think I'll stay. I think I'll go. I want to go. I want to stay. I want to leave and go home to where the clouds are large and comforting. I want to stay where the sun always smiles down, if a little overbearing at times, and the waves always dance ............

---

I just spoke with my parents. I made it final; Luis called just as I was finishing with my parents, and I told him, and decided I would tell Toya tomorrow morning. It seems like this is how it's supposed to be. And you know what, I already feel better. Sure, I've got a lot of things to do before I go, but I can start relaxing, and treating this like a vacation. I think it will be nice to go home to a place that I know I belong, no matter what. And even though it's strange to hear myself saying that -- that I belong in that strangely indifferent Bible-land -- I know it's true. And truth is what everyone needs the most.

Strangely light-hearted, but sadly aware that I'm leaving behind a part of me that I may never get back, I believe in the possibility for greater things. And I love you all. And I know you all love me, in your own ways. I spread my arms, not in waiting for you to fill them, but in an openness that can only be for you to come and share this release with me.

I'm Tired

A life where I can't watch the sun set...
I don't have time... -- Sand in My Shoes, Dido

---

I'm tired of making decisions. I know, it's what life's about, but I'm tired of it. Shouldn't the decisions I've already made have had some significant effect on what's happening now? The only thing I can see is that I'm poor, I'm broken physically and mentally, I'm alone, I'm fighting with school... and I'm wishing that I never left home.

The big one now is do I still go to school? Do I change and go home? Do I try to quit school and find a different job? It's all so daunting, really. I don't quite know what I'm supposed to say to any of this.

I don't know what to do.

There's that phrase again -- the one thing in my vocabulary that I can be sure of. So I turn to others: "What's three reasons to live here?"
The best answers are usually two of everyone's; the beach, and the weather. I could agree with those. But the next answer usually involves something like people, and I definitely could do without some of these people around here. Friends? Hardly. A bare minimum, and not enough to keep me wanting more. Family? Not really any family that I would want to suffer myself any more than they are for me. I know that sounds cruel, but it's honest; like I've said, I've been burnt by nearly every family member I've got here that can afford to do so...

Unable

Ki ni naru noni kikenai
Oyogitsukarete kimi made mukuchi ni naru
Aitai noni mienai nami ni osarete
Mata sukoshi tooku naru
Togirenai you ni keep it going baby
Onaji kimochi janai nara tell me
Muri wa shinai shugi demo
Sukoshi nara shite mite mo ii yo -- Final Distance, Utada Hikaru

---

Wake Me Up ...

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I haven't been able to watch this video. It's twists my heartstrings for some reason, as soon as it starts playing. Perhaps it's opening a door to a part of me I had long forgotten; the Love that resided there pushed aside like an old doll. Perhaps It remains, waiting for the day its lover would return? Or do I just feel a loss at my own circumstances? Do I miss their comfort and their love? Am I lost and alone like I feel?

I do feel lost and alone...

Seeing this.... thinking about it... and just seeing it sitting there, waiting patiently like the doll left behind, I feel the need to spend time with God. I mean, really feel it, like I hadn't felt it in ages; in years. I can feel the distance I have let grow between Him and I, just as the distance between Mike and I... I think that's it... I should stop for now, or I don't think I will be able to escape again for a while...

Is It Anxiety?

Can you see my face? -- The City, Milosh

---

I can't tell what it is. I can't put my finger on it, my heart, my tongue, my life; I can't put it together, and I can't take it apart. But I want to, oh and how I want to!

What is it? Why is it that when I think of you, I feel remorse? Is it sorrow or sympathy? Am I worried over your situation or your soul there in that desert?

Is it anxiety, or is it angst? Why is it that when I look at your picture, I want to scream? ...
I've lost far too much, and even though I'm not near any of my friends or even my parents, I feel the most loss over you?

Christie, I don't know what it means, and I don't understand it, but when I see a picture, or a word, and I'm not talking to them, I feel such a loss and regret over the Burns in my heart. Do you feel it? Do you feel the anguish and the sorrow and the longing for something more? Or is it just me??

I can't explain it, and it almost drives me crazy. It almost drives me crazy.

Someone today said that every time they look at me, I've got this strange mischievous look on my face, like I'm always looking around for the next thing to wreak havoc on. A couple days ago, someone said that I've "got such a mellow personality; I like it a lot -- it's awesome". Someone a few weeks ago said something similar. And someone a few months ago... What are they seeing in me? Haha! The mischievous one makes me happy, but the others just confuse me... I guess I don't know a lot, but I think I'm knowing who I am. I just have to know where I came from... Or I don't know.