Doctor Who

You could be happy,
And I won't know... -- You Could Be Happy, Snow Patrol

---

It's Christmas. It's a warmer Christmas than it's been in years, and, I think, if I search my memory as hard as I can, I can't even recall when it has ever been as warm as it has.

I can remember, as a child, wishing every year for a White Christmas, and only getting one perhaps three times. Other years, the snow would come too early, or too late. This year, it came around Thanksgiving, and then left, and then came the heat. It feels like early June... but that's beside the point;
It's remembering that I want to discuss...

My brother and I got into a conversation on the way home from Miou's family home today... and when we pulled under the carport at our parents' temporary apartment -- they are buying a new home, and in transition -- a strange moment from our past arose, and it was just a memory. Perhaps it had died and had since then been estranged from my mind, but the event always remained there, and the only thing I ever saw was the beginning, like a preface to a book, or the advertisement of a new movie -- just a glimpse, and then gone, as if there was nothing more to be seen, or nothing I was interested in. Until he said something I thought odd, a bit of memory I had blocked out somehow, and in those few seconds, underneath the carport -- in those few words, those questions of why and why not -- I was dragged back into a memory I had completely erased from my mind.

I was transformed into some strange emotional being, forced to relive the feelings I had long since erased and strongly, if subconsciously, denied ever existed in my childhood... It was terrible.
I had always heard stories of people who had been brought to unlock past memories, and of the wide range of reactions to such an event. After years of thinking, and learning new things about my family and myself, which I had never been given a chance to learn before, I knew that there was something from my past I had never gotten over, and there were old habits I had broken without ever having known their original roots. And now I do, and I grew scared, and my brother saved me from myself, and saved me from God-knows-what, just by being there...

I still feel fragile from that event, and it happened while my mother and my father and Miou and her younger sister were waiting for us to accompany them for Christmas dinner inside... but I felt I would feel better still if I could write it out. It's not complete... I don't yet have the strength to write down the rest of my feelings on the subject, or the events that passed after it, or before it, or the previously hidden event itself, but that will come in time, probably....

I love my brother, more than ever, and I know I've never truly hated him, and I feel remorse for those poisonous words I've let leak from my mouth; God erase them from my history. He and I both believe in forgetting the past and building a new and better future, starting today. I hope I may I shall begin anew, and, now, knowing what I already knew, yet had forgotten, will continue to be this new person I've become and remember where I've come from.

On Death

Behind the Screams, CKY

---

It's strange. I went away, and I can remember hearing his voice on the phone. I had called him while I was in Nevada for help. I wasn't sure what was going on with my car, and I remembered that he had said during one of those late nights we stayed up talking that he was good with cars.

I can still hear him laughing. I can see his smile.

I thought, when I came back, that I would run into him, because I didn't have a phone number for him anymore, but it never happened. I wondered if I wanted to. The things we had talked about were very complex, but I can't recall most of them. I remembered that I felt strongly for him...

I got a message last night saying that there was to be a candlelight vigil for someone named Michael (Roxie) at his house at 7pm. I immediately felt strange about it. I called the person who sent it to me and tried to get a description. The manner of death was one thing, and I cannot begin to explain how furious it made me, but what bothered me more was that I wasn't sure if it was truly the Michael I knew, or another; he had been staying at his parents' when I knew him, saving money, but I had never known where he had gone after that.

I found out today.

Michael Myrick was murdered. I don't know what happened at the party where it occured, but I just don't understand why people think they can just come and go and do terrible things to people for no good reason. Michael was a good guy; sure, he had his problems, but who doesn't? I can't understnad why anyone would think it would be okay to just jump someone, for any reason at all, and not even a bad one.

I can still hear his voice, and it makes me tense and sick. I don't know what to do. I don't know to cry; I don't know to let it go. What did we talk about during those nights? I know we talked about a lot of things, but did we talk about anything important -- I mean, really important? I wonder what would have happened if I had not lost touch with him over the summer? I wonder if things would be different now if I had found him immediately when I had come back. I wonder what would have happened if I had been at the party when this had happened, or would there have been a party at all? I want to know what really happened. I want to know who was really responsible. Was his death meaningless? Was his death honorable? I want to hear his voice again and see his smile and give him a hug and let him know that I still love him, no matter what, and that I was sorry I moved away and had to lose his friendship....

I want to know that everything will be okay...

Avoiding the Point

There is a city by the sea... -- Los Angeles, I'm Yours, The Decemberists

---

One week left until we get our home. One week left, until we are able to have what we need to survive. I'm very excited. I'm working a lot these days trying to save money, so I won't be around to talk about the things that are going on. Actually, there are a lot of things going on that I shouldn't even talk about anyway; they're not my business.

I miss San Diego. I miss the few people I had become friends with while I was there, but I don't think I miss the expenses of living and the terrible way people treated you while you were there.... even the people you were supposed to be friends with.

The people I've come back for, the people that matter most are enough for me. Kamacho, Lady Lee, Rachet and I went to Wallmart again last night. It was interesting trying to keep up with Kamacho to keep her from going off to the Christmas aisle. And, some of you may be interested to know, we only spent about 30 minutes max in there, though I have a suspicion it was a lot less time! Amazing!

I know this post seems random, almost like it has no point, but it is serving the purpose of keeping me from writing about things I shouldn't... Not that I really want to, but more that there are a lot of things on my mind that I need to get out, because they have been running rampant, going back and forth across my vision, and making me remember things I don't want to; I don't even know what the answer is to any of these things, and that makes me sad, because I don't know what to do about them... but like I said, they are not my business...

Sorted

I thought this was interesting.

Which Hogwarts house will you be sorted into?

Your in-depth results are:

Ravenclaw - 15
Hufflepuff - 13
Gryffindor - 12
Slytherin - 7

Though, I'd still probably end up in Gryffindor... Choice matters. I do have to say, I would be terribly proud to be in Ravenclaw, but as it stands, I'm the Head of House Gryffindor... so... life is such.

Rogue

You make me smile -- Bubbly, Colbie Caillat

---

Last night was great. Around 0130, Shad tells me that Kamacho and Lady Lee are out at the South Wall-mart shopping for costumes, and we decide to go. When we get into the parking lot, I see these two girls I know, and I honk at them, but the don't know who it is in the car. I get out and, with Shad's permission, begin to stalk them. I stalk them through the parking lot, through the whole store to the back, and then stake out a post at the end of the alcohol aisle where they're looking at popcorn. A good five or ten minutes passes before they come out and when they do I jump out at them and scare them so bad that their high-pitched screams echoed through the store. Good times.

We didn't get home until freaking 4am. And today we're going to goodwill before he goes to work... maybe. And we're having a party tonight, because McShells is coming into town.

Careful

Oh oh subete wo ukeireru nante
Shinakute ii yo -- Deep River, Utada Hikaru

---

Is it that I'm older and that I know what could go wrong if I let the wrong thing slip, or is it that I've lived in a land where manipulation is a highly-treasured skill? Sure, I've gained a lot here in Texas, and I would be wrong if I told you that I never learned such a skill while growing up; in fact, it seems like that's the most valuable skill they taught at my school -- that and how to cut someone down, either in front of them, or by backstabbing. Math, Literature, Science, sure the usual was taught, but the social factor was on a completely different level.

There are things that I run across every day, and when I see the people they could involve, I have to make the executive decision as to whether or not I should be so willingly an informant. It's not that I don't like people; on the contrary, anyone who knows me -- I mean, really knows me -- knows that I love people a lot. Perhaps it is more of the idea that I don't want anyone to get hurt by me. I think another factor is that it seems people here take things way too seriously. I can remember some time ago when a guy asked if I took myself too seriously. At the time I had said no, but as the years go by, I wonder if he was right? Perhaps I did. And perhaps it was a bad thing, but I felt sure it was a good thing. You should never let yourself be pushed into doing things that are against your beliefs. On the same token, you shouldn't let things get to you. What other people do is what other people do. What has happened is just that -- you can't go back and change it, you can only move forward. So with all that said, I don't know what else to say.

It was only recently that a few secrets were revealed to me in strictest confidence. I won't pass them on to anyone, because no one need know them, but it was that series of events that brought this chain of thought about. That and the fact that the people I really came back for see me as a better person, and the same person, and nothing worse. They share the same love that I have for them for me, and we've picked up right where we left off; so there's nothing I worry about. Well, except for getting a home.

Time

Until I knew that I could get on a plane and fly away from the road where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can watch the sunset... -- Sand In My Shoes, Dido

---

I think I'm wasting time. No, I'm pretty sure I"m wasting a lot of time nowadays, even though there isn't much for me to be doing. I could be enjoying life, and instead I play a lot of WoW with my best friend. Though, I guess that's alright; in a way, I am spending time with other people... I just hate that I walk out of the house to go to work or to get something from my car and regret that I'm losing such a beautiful day. It's what I moved to Texas for in the first place, for crying out loud! Tomorrow I want to get up and at least go walk around the park before around lunch. Perhaps pack a sandwich and a book and just enjoy myself. Plus, I need to get back into the habit of going to the gym. I don't know if any of you know this, because it seems like everyone's skinny these days, but whenever you are heavier, and then lose it you feel great, right? Well, if you get some back, even the smallest amount, you feel like crap, and you are overly conscious of its presence. That's how I feel now. I've felt it for a while, but things keep happening to my body to keep me from going to the gym to swim like I want to... I'll just go for a walk around the park and then settle in to a good book and a sandwich.

Tonight was interesting. I was sat a lot, but I guess those people stuck around... I only had about 3 hours of people come in, and while they left good money for Abilene (for the most part, one family left me 20-something cents [really?]), I only walked out with about 30 again... or something got messed up somewhere in the counting. Anyway, I need to make more money, so I'll probably be really tired and or stressed out for the next couple of weeks... months... you know. The usual.

So funny enough, those guys I had mentioned... rather, ranted on about in the last posts came in tonight after I was done with my stuff and I saw them. I imediately walked into the back and told Shad. He had just seen them. Jlee had left earlier that afternoon, when I got there, so I think Shad told him about it after work. It was awkward. Even better, Kamacho and Lee were just around the corner in a booth and when I happened across them, they laughed and pointed as well. How strange of them to come up to our store after that. Lee wondered aloud whether or not they realized that every single person that was in that room at the time works in the same place! When the guy looked over at me at one point I made a face at him that I meant to say "Really?", but he looked away, and I don't know if he even noticed. They were getting drunk; typical. Shad said he walked right by them and they didn't say anything to him, nor did he initiate a conversation. What is there to say, after all? Shad thinks that's the way it is, and I can't help but say I concur.

Anyway, I need to catch up on sleep... I'm excited about the park or wherever tomorrow. If you guys read this, I'll probably be there around... um... 1300? That sounds nice...

And It Happens Every Time (part 2)

Ki ni naru noni kikenai -- Final Distance, Utada Hikaru

---

Part 1

My whole point in relaying that story was so that I could let you guys know what I was feeling. After the responsible party left, Jlee was in the back cooling off, and Shad had half-followed him there. I met him nearby and stood by the door to the back room. After a moment, I slipped back further to find Jlee.
"Brother?"... a muffled response answered me through the door. "Can I get you anything?"
"No."
"Alright."

In a few moments, Shad went in there and spoke with him for a while, and all I could do was sit on the floor outside the door. My heart was so moved in anger against that man and his friend, and in love for the Lees and Shad's family, but mostly for the Lees at the moment. I wanted to reach out to him and let him know how I felt; that I felt the same way as him. I know what's going on, and I know what people are putting out for us to have our freedom and for others to have their freedom. I know what it is taking to get our people back on our side of the pond, but I don't talk about it. It's not that I don't care; by no means! It's just that some people have their different ways of dealing with things than others, and for some stranger to bust into our circle and start telling us that we weren't supportive and treating us like some ignorant hippies... well, that was just ... infuriating!

I had mentioned in a post a couple before this one that there were three people I cared about, well the number just increased again, and I just want to say that strange things are still going on, because I have a love for them that I would put my life on the line for their honor. Is this the kind of love that we were made for?

And It Happens Every Time (part 1)

Ki ni naru noni kikenai -- Final Distance, Utada Hikaru

---

My heart hurt tonight for the ones I love for the first time in a way I had always thought it would, but never experienced.
Yesterday (being last night) was my da kine sister's birthday, so of course, we celebrated. Well, somewhere in the middle of the whole thing, these two guys show up, and at first they're real cool, but things have a tendency to change with random people, especially at these parties. After what I assume were several drinks on top of an already healthy foundation of adult beverages, one of them excuses himself politely from the conversation to use the bathroom. Now, may I point out that it is already around 2am, and he has declared that they would be leaving as soon as he finished his drink; that said, I'll continue with the story. As the man -- whose name I never heard, other than the letter V -- as V made his way down the hall toward the bathroom, he stopped to adjust a crooked picture on the picture board, and his friend, Chuck, and myself watch him do this. I turned away to pay attention to the people around me, and he comes walking back asking, "Who is the boy in green?"

"What?"
"The military guy. He's in the army, right? Who is he?" his voice is heavy with curiosity, and my ears pick up.
"Brother," most mouths say, including my own.
"Oh, brother? Your brother?" V repeats himself, asking Shad.
"Their brother," he replies, pointing with two fingers on one hand at the Lees. The boy in the picture turns out to be Jeremy, (Lady)Lee's older brother and Jlee's twin. He is currently stationed in Alaska and was supposed to come down to Texas on leave before being sent off to Iraq, but the Army changed its mind. All this is communicated, well, as best as possible to the man who was supposedly going to the bathroom and about to leave.

He says he is in the army, and that he just got done serving his 13. I raise my fist and say a thank you, and he nods at me. "I just wanted to see who it was so that I could say [some sort of support]." From even before this whole part started, immediately from the point that he asked who the "boy in green" was, the energy in the room tightened; it was coming from the Lees. I noticed the only people looking at the Lees were Shad and myself, and after a minute of this crazy guy V rattling off, Shad reaches up and tucks his knuckles under Jlee's chin to catch his attention and make him smile; I reached under the table and brushed Lee's leg. She gave a jump and looked at me strangely with a small laugh, and I laughed back, but the man kept on talking. The whole thing got out of hand. It turns out that V was in the Med Unit and was having to go around to the battlegrounds and help the injured and label the dead. I support the Med Unit. I would be one if I was in the military, but for you to come back to a place that you don't know and tell those people what is up and what they're doing is wrong, you just need to get out.

I can't even begin to go into what he was saying, because it was so ridiculous; so asinine and the man was just belligerent to the core. He told us all that we had no respect, because we were sitting there drinking and partying over some birthday while there was a war going on. He told Jlee (ignoring that Lee was there) that he had no honor or respect for his brother for what he was doing, even though he hadn't even gone yet. He acted like we were telling him how it was, but he was putting the words in our mouths, and sentencing us to crimes we did not commit. He called us all pride-less mother fuckers, and that wasn't even the worst of it; Shad flared up, and he couldn't hold it in anymore. His whole family was in the military; his mother included. As for me, my family is military, and my best friend disappeared in the desert for a year and finally resurfaced a couple days ago. And, dear reader, you have to realize that I've cut this down a lot, partly for the fact that a lot happened, and there were many others involved, but mostly for the fact that I'm still angry. Yes, I realize there's a chance of a bias, but I can assure you that what I've provided is so much the basic amount that it runs nearly 1% the possibility of it being that; also, that I've not had enough to drink to distort the facts. At any rate it was over soon with lots of interruptions from the neighbors and me pushing the guy out with nice words, but I can assure you I was shaking out of anger...

Part 2

I'm Back

I wanna be your POP STAR
kimi wo motto muchu ni sasette ageru kara ne
KIRA KIRA no POP STAR hane o hiroge
mahou wo kakette age yo
kimi dake ni! -- POP STAR, Hirai Ken

---

I just spent the past few days in Arkansas with my friends for Jon's birthday. I had a blast. Though right now I'm feeling a little sick due to lack of sleep, and definitely sore. At the birthday dinner tonight I burned my lip on some cheese and now I have a small blister... typical.

I was thinking on the way home, how nice it would be to have someone I could sign with. Not just anyone. You know, someone I was with. Someone I could talk to quietly while the other's were doing their thing, and no one would know what we were saying, unless they could read... or maybe we would be fast? Or maybe we would make up our own signs? ... who knows. There was a complete point to this entry, though I don't remember it at all. Oh, a few things. I haven't showered in several days. I'm probably deficient in most of my meridians. I realized tonight that the toxins in cigarette smoke is finally affecting me adversely due to my partial cleansing in San Diego. I want otokomae so bad. otokomae is beautiful...

Bed.

Love

Oreta awai tsubasa kimi wo sukoshi aosugiru sora ni tsukareta dake sa.
Mou dareka no tame janakute
Jibun no tame ni waratte ii yo. -- ALONES, Aqua Times

---

Whenever I'm living my life, I think of these different things to write, but when I want to sit down and write them out, I can't. That's the miracle of it all.

I wanted, really bad before I ended up in Arkansas with nothing to write into, to tell how I feel about three people right now. Three. I'm not sure why, but that's it. I had to tell them goodbye, and when I was thinking about it afterward... wow, I am not making sense, as usual. Ok.

I went up to work yesterday before I left my town to go to Arkansas; I wanted to say goodbye to three people, and three people only: Shad, Camacho, JLee. There's just something about it. I will have to write about it more late, but there's something there.

Hardly Enough

kirameite yurameite aoki ume maihanatsu hana moeyuku -- HANABI, いきものがかり

There's so much to do; so little time.

I've got to pack, for one thing, find moneys, figure out what's going to happen to me during my last days here, and then still say goodbye to all those people who want me to say goodbye. Of course, I've already said goodbye, but they're all wanting me to go out drinking and partying and even a wrestle match. *sigh*

Penny said something that really struck me as odd. Not in a bad way, mind you, but just, odd. She said that the person I've created here will go back to the person I once was and blend to create a happy medium. I agree that that would be an amazing feat of personality, but could it really be possible? The person I was and the person I am now seem at such opposites from one another that I doubt they would be able to blend healthily at all. I can't even begin to comprehend what kind of trouble I would get myself into if I acted the way I do now back home.

At any rate, there's a lot of things I need to do before I go, so I'll take my leave.

Escalating

All I know is you're my favorite mistake. -- My Favorite Mistake, Sheryl Crow

---

It seems that I'm going out in a flash of light and clouds of smoke. I can't stop what I'm doing, but I don't want to keep being irresponsible on my body and my finances.

As much as it has been decided that I will be returning home in October (within the first few days from what it seems), I have been letting loose, and I've still got a whole week to goof off in -- sort of a last minute vacation before I go.

I feel bad enough as it is, leaving everything there, but in comparison, there isn't that much to leave behind after all. I thought that I would be happy living out here, and I am, but things keep happening, and so I'm going back. And I thought I'd be happy to go back, and I am, but you know how things are; it's that same back-and-forth I've been dealing with for some time now. Who am I going to be now, and what will become of the me I tried to pursue here? What will become of the friends I made here and the times I had with them? Will they all just go away, or will they blend into some new phenomenon?

God...

Separate

hikari tsuzuteyou, ano hoshi na you ni -- *~asterisk~, Orange Range

---

I like listening to deaf people laughing. I don't know why, there's something comforting in it. I don't really have anything to write about, but then again, do I ever? I just thought about it all last night, and I figured I'd write about it. It keeps me going to just ramble sometimes; it's healthy.

No, I remember how I felt now, I remember what it was I really should write about.
Last night I realizes who I was here. I realized that I don't really serve any end. That sounds harsh. Let me say, I am me, and everyone else is everyone else. Things happen, but I'm just off to the side, apart from it. It's ... frustrating, being so removed from things, yet watching them happen and not know what to make of it. I've had to learn to be indifferent, but last night, it got to be more frustrating than I could handle. I don't like how it is; I hate it. I hate being on the outside of things. I don't expect people to be immediately wonderful to me, but... it's difficult. Such a big change at my age... I don't know, I think I'm glad it happened now and not later; I don't know how I would have dealt with it if I was older.

On another note, Shad sent me a message that said he missed me a lot several days ago; then he sent me a message that said the same thing, and that if I was ever to go home, he needed a room-mate. Strange, I haven't told anyone. I asked him what was going on, and he sent me a message about it, and then I explained to him, in a way, what was happening, and asked him not to tell anyone, but I don't think that it's going to stay secret for long. I hate the thought of telling people, but I don't think I have a choice, now... Bah.

I've got things to do.

Somehow

I never knew that everyone I knew was waiting on a cue to turn and run,
when all I needed was the truth -- Over My Head (Cable Car), The Fray

---

I think it will be okay. I hear from Miou that she and my brother just want me to do what I feel is right for me. They want me to be okay, and they both spoke with me about it. They gave me comprehensive ears, and sound advice -- two things I greatly appreciate, respect, and admire -- just as mom and dad did, even though tears fell freely as I listened. I can't say I have ever gotten along with Josh that much.
And then I regret making my decision to go home.

So who knows about it, now? Not many. Mom, Dad, Miou, Josh... you oh-so-avid rabid-readers. That's really it... unless the school has figured out that I'm not attending. I played a truant on my first day of classes. Not shaping up to be a very good student, am I? Though, they're not very good admins, are they? Oh, and my room-mate, but I don't even know what his real name is. I forgot it... his and his wife's. But it was only told to me once. Anyway, he just wants me to keep him informed, and he's sorry that things are so rough.

It's good to know that I have such support, but I'm back to the drawing board again, and I still don't know up from down. I still don't know if I should stay or go.... I think I'll stay. I think I'll go. I want to go. I want to stay. I want to leave and go home to where the clouds are large and comforting. I want to stay where the sun always smiles down, if a little overbearing at times, and the waves always dance ............

---

I just spoke with my parents. I made it final; Luis called just as I was finishing with my parents, and I told him, and decided I would tell Toya tomorrow morning. It seems like this is how it's supposed to be. And you know what, I already feel better. Sure, I've got a lot of things to do before I go, but I can start relaxing, and treating this like a vacation. I think it will be nice to go home to a place that I know I belong, no matter what. And even though it's strange to hear myself saying that -- that I belong in that strangely indifferent Bible-land -- I know it's true. And truth is what everyone needs the most.

Strangely light-hearted, but sadly aware that I'm leaving behind a part of me that I may never get back, I believe in the possibility for greater things. And I love you all. And I know you all love me, in your own ways. I spread my arms, not in waiting for you to fill them, but in an openness that can only be for you to come and share this release with me.

I'm Tired

A life where I can't watch the sun set...
I don't have time... -- Sand in My Shoes, Dido

---

I'm tired of making decisions. I know, it's what life's about, but I'm tired of it. Shouldn't the decisions I've already made have had some significant effect on what's happening now? The only thing I can see is that I'm poor, I'm broken physically and mentally, I'm alone, I'm fighting with school... and I'm wishing that I never left home.

The big one now is do I still go to school? Do I change and go home? Do I try to quit school and find a different job? It's all so daunting, really. I don't quite know what I'm supposed to say to any of this.

I don't know what to do.

There's that phrase again -- the one thing in my vocabulary that I can be sure of. So I turn to others: "What's three reasons to live here?"
The best answers are usually two of everyone's; the beach, and the weather. I could agree with those. But the next answer usually involves something like people, and I definitely could do without some of these people around here. Friends? Hardly. A bare minimum, and not enough to keep me wanting more. Family? Not really any family that I would want to suffer myself any more than they are for me. I know that sounds cruel, but it's honest; like I've said, I've been burnt by nearly every family member I've got here that can afford to do so...

Unable

Ki ni naru noni kikenai
Oyogitsukarete kimi made mukuchi ni naru
Aitai noni mienai nami ni osarete
Mata sukoshi tooku naru
Togirenai you ni keep it going baby
Onaji kimochi janai nara tell me
Muri wa shinai shugi demo
Sukoshi nara shite mite mo ii yo -- Final Distance, Utada Hikaru

---

Wake Me Up ...

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I haven't been able to watch this video. It's twists my heartstrings for some reason, as soon as it starts playing. Perhaps it's opening a door to a part of me I had long forgotten; the Love that resided there pushed aside like an old doll. Perhaps It remains, waiting for the day its lover would return? Or do I just feel a loss at my own circumstances? Do I miss their comfort and their love? Am I lost and alone like I feel?

I do feel lost and alone...

Seeing this.... thinking about it... and just seeing it sitting there, waiting patiently like the doll left behind, I feel the need to spend time with God. I mean, really feel it, like I hadn't felt it in ages; in years. I can feel the distance I have let grow between Him and I, just as the distance between Mike and I... I think that's it... I should stop for now, or I don't think I will be able to escape again for a while...

Is It Anxiety?

Can you see my face? -- The City, Milosh

---

I can't tell what it is. I can't put my finger on it, my heart, my tongue, my life; I can't put it together, and I can't take it apart. But I want to, oh and how I want to!

What is it? Why is it that when I think of you, I feel remorse? Is it sorrow or sympathy? Am I worried over your situation or your soul there in that desert?

Is it anxiety, or is it angst? Why is it that when I look at your picture, I want to scream? ...
I've lost far too much, and even though I'm not near any of my friends or even my parents, I feel the most loss over you?

Christie, I don't know what it means, and I don't understand it, but when I see a picture, or a word, and I'm not talking to them, I feel such a loss and regret over the Burns in my heart. Do you feel it? Do you feel the anguish and the sorrow and the longing for something more? Or is it just me??

I can't explain it, and it almost drives me crazy. It almost drives me crazy.

Someone today said that every time they look at me, I've got this strange mischievous look on my face, like I'm always looking around for the next thing to wreak havoc on. A couple days ago, someone said that I've "got such a mellow personality; I like it a lot -- it's awesome". Someone a few weeks ago said something similar. And someone a few months ago... What are they seeing in me? Haha! The mischievous one makes me happy, but the others just confuse me... I guess I don't know a lot, but I think I'm knowing who I am. I just have to know where I came from... Or I don't know.

Tears

I can't say that I don't love the light and the dark. -- Say It Right, Nelly Furtado

---

Tears fell quickly today, but not quick enough, nor near enough as much as what it might take to cleanse my system.
I keep hitting these strains of bad luck, and finally when I think everything is going right, something happens to kick me down a couple of pegs, either back to where I was, or beneath it.

School rears its ugly head again, and for some damn reason, I can't accept help from the people who are supposed to be there for me.

I'm tired. Tired of lots of things... but I can't seem to make myself go to sleep. I can't really forget what it is that keeps me from being your happy-go-lucky college student, and the worst of it is, grad school hasn't even started for me. I've been burned by nearly every family member that can identify me one day to the next, and I don't think it helps that I've got no good friends. Sure, there are some mild supporters, but they've their own drama, as I've mine, and while I do care for them, I don't want to get too close...

A guy told me I had a mellow personality today. Someone else had said the same thing a couple of days ago... something about me being so laid back about things. I don't know how people see that in me, I'm so obviously over-dramatic and a worrier... Best, perhaps, to leave it alone for tonight...

Keep Trying

---

There are so many things on my mind, and in the lead is what I'm going to do about school. George says there's no point in worrying myself sick over it, because what happens, happens, but it's a little different when you're out on your own, hundreds of miles away from your family. I'm tired, too, for some reason. I think it's all the crap that keeps happening to me. First it was moving, then it was the job thing, then it was bad family, and still the job thing, and then school, and then the fleas, and then falling, and the job thing, and school again... If I had been an outsider, looking in on this strain of events, I wouldn't believe that a person could do with it all, but here I am, and I find it surprising that I want to give up and go home. It almost doesn't seem like enough, but at the same time, it is. I feel defeated, but I know there are ways around these damned walls.

I guess all I can do is try to keep on pushing.

Hitomi wo Tojite

Your love forever
Hitomi wo tojite kimi wo egaku yo sore dake de ii -- Hitomi wo Tojite, Hirai Ken

---

I can only sit here and listen to this song, known in English as "I Close My Eyes", while I scan through pictures people have taken from back home. I wish I could be with them, but part of me wonders if I would have truly been a part of those events, had I still existed in that land.

And then it hits me:
Had I not left, what would have become of me? Would I truly be better off living there than here, even after I consider all the things that have happened to me? I wonder what would have occurred in its place back home? Would life go on, much in the same way as before, only different? Who would be around me, still? Would I be the same person? It's a lot to ask, I know, but these are the questions I wonder day and night, now, in this place where things seem to affect me in more negative ways than one could possibly imagine in absence.

And I think of Nic. I had loved him; he had loved me, and maybe more than that, but the past cannot be changed, and the present is where I live, now. There are things you regret as you move through life, but there are reasons for those things you missed out on, and the things you accepted to occur in the other's place....

And I really begin to look at the person all the pictures I'm seeing focus on.
And it hits me harder.
And I laugh, in spite, perhaps, but most definitely at the irony, and the longing.
The lyrics I posted above are translated roughly as, [Your Love forever. I close my eyes tight, and I see your smile flash momentarily]. And as bad as that translation probably is, I'll let you know, I felt it. I feel it. Could it be that I fell in love with Reagan?

Is that this strange desire to lean out and kiss his lips, and let him know I love him? Surely a fool's fantasy would seem more plausible; more feasible in the least! Yet, here I sit, with those thoughts in my mind, and not a regret about them.
I lost one to Death, and walked away from yet others. Was I saving them from destruction or myself? Or am I leading them to it, all of us playing unwittingly into yet another trap of Free-willed Fate? The Learned say History repeats Itself, but why is it that I find that no matter how much time we spend learning History's mannerisms and past, we still find ourselves in the same positions, if only with different names and places involved?

Hooray 10th

Does your car still have no passenger-side rear-view mirror?
I never could look back when we drove forward...
Call me on the telephone,
And tell me it's a Blue Day again... -- No Passenger-Side Rear-View Mirror, LOFN

---

First off, I have to say congratulations to myself for finally breaking the mold and making more than 9 posts in a month, and what's even better is that they all happened before the turn of the month. Yes, as you can all see from the post-date, today is the Ides. I'm glad for that, at least. Or should I be, perhaps it's just because I'm extra emotional that all this is going on...?

I know that there are some questions that I've left unanswered in my recent general ramblings, like, do I have a job, and where do I really live, and am I dating anyone, and do I go to church, and all that jazz. Well, let me see...
Yes, I have a job, and hopefully I'll have a different one soon... one I think I can feel more comfortable doing, if not being more stressed out with, haha! I went to the JC and had an interview, and I think they're going to hire me on... I think I find out tomorrow. The best part would be that I wouldn't have to have any training, really, though I will be honest, I wouldn't mind going through another set of classes again... Um, I really live on the hill above the Valley in San Diego. Figure out which hill and you'll get a prize... maybe. At any rate, it's not that secure for right now, because I'm going to move out. I just have to find a new place, and maybe a bunch of other things, so we'll see how that goes, and where I live in September :D.... Next, I'm not dating anyone, and I'm not really going to church. I want to, on both questions. Life is very lonely here, so it's easy to get lost doing nothing. I sort of dropped the ball in looking for a church, but I think once everything is settled down, I'm going to start looking again? Maybe... maybe not with that new job...

As for a romance life? Well, that remains to be seen. I've been measured and weighed and have been found terribly wanting. That's all I'm going to say on that. But, I am going to go to school in the fall (well, in September at least), and that's a definite good, right? It's going to be a little stressful... in fact, I think I still owe a little money, and I still have not bought or even shopped for books, but I'll manage, right? Right...? That's it. I just wanted everyone to know... yeah.

La Esperança

---

I just finished reading the story I mentioned in the last post. It's only seven books long, and I think that it's definitely worth a read for everyone, even people who aren't interested in the sort of thing (it is shonen ai, after all).

The common conception (as I have seen and heard) is that it falls short of the genre in that it doesn't show much of the feelings behind the situation, or more so that it fails to show them fully. I kind of see their point, in that it is a short series; by the end of it all, which seemed to happen almost abruptly, I suddenly felt myself wanting more. There's a small ending piece that almost goes to say that life goes on, and so will the story, we just don't get to hear the rest of it... so the reader does have to deal with that.
It's hard to write about this and not give it away for those of you who haven't read it... so...

**This next section contains spoilers, or something very much like it. Please avoid this if you have not read the series!!

While it does deal with boys in an all-boy academy, it does go to show the facet of religion in sexuality. The interesting part is that it doesn't explain what's going on, it assumes that the reader knows the history of Christianity (as is the religion in question) and the homosexual community. The particular country doesn't have an openly gay population, yet neither does it have a repressed one. It seems like people are either embarrassed by the concept of themselves being gay, but no one else really gives two mites over it. It does say in the last book that the main character's soul is beautiful, and that's enough, but unless someone really was reading the series to find out what someone else thinks about it, then most people would miss that as a major note. It's not as simple as many would like to believe. To have such feelings and be aware of them, and then to not be able to follow up on them is magnified under scrutinizing eye of the clergy.

It was a little hard to keep track of who was who, because the stylization was so strong at first, but it softened a little and grew more fluid by the end. The second main character and the first-major-supporting character are easily confused at times, and one must pay attention to their neck-ties (Henri wears the ribbon tied, and Robert doesn't wear it tied... or at all).... anyway, that's that.

The story is really complicated, and that makes for wonderful drama, so please enjoy it; I know I did.... you may all see some La Esp fan art from me soon. yay.

Short Stories and Sketches

I vowed to you that day no one would ever bring you harm, girl -- Leona, LOFN

---

I was looking back over some of my past entries on this blog from this month (amazingly there are a lot more in the first half of the month than in most recent months whole), and I noticed how I mentioned it was the end of a chapter; I wondered if I would have it easier from then on, or harder, and secretly knew the answer. Strange, how we do that, but the question is, did I cause it to happen, or was it a true and honest premonition?

I decided I was going to move out today. When I woke up, I felt a lot better about things, and I even managed to have a good outlook on life. The lesions are healing somewhat, (well, one causes me concern, but we'll just have to watch it) and I have a future. My-one-roommate still wants me to stay "30-days", but I have no contractual obligation, and in fact don't feel like have I have to even find a new roomie to take over my position, so... yeah. That's basically that. Money's going to be tough, but I spoke to a girl today who works down by the JC in SoCal, and she thinks it is totally worth driving down there every day to work as a server when I'd be making about 17.50/hr... I think I agree, and I miss the food terribly bad.

How's life for you guys? Seriously, I want to know: how is it? I'd say mine is ... looking up, but I think I'm learning a lot of lessons, and I would rather have made sure I learn before committing to a possibility.

The title is because I've been doing a lot of sketches lately, and a short story occurred when I met the aforementioned girl, so ... yeah. and I've been reading this one comic called La Esperança (I think you should ignore any bad reviews and give it a shot. People who don't know what it's dealing with exactly on all levels will have a hard time accepting that it's worthwhile). I like it a lot; yes, I gave in and began reading shonen ai. My bad... haha! I can't help it. It's ... gripping. It's... focusing around a situation I've wondered a lot about my whole life, so I want to know the writer's take on it... we'll see how it goes.

Do I Belong

I
And I am to blame:
I sit here in shame,
I threw You away again -- Shades of Grey, Waking Ashland

---

[[Christie, if you're reading this, the one I refferred to in that message is the one before this, entitled, Agony.]]
I try not to listen to too much music lately. It seems that everyting has a habbit of reminding me where I'm from, and where I'm not. Do I belong here at all? Can I belong here; can I fit in where things keep going wrong; where walls continually pop up to stop me in my tracks? I feel like I'm dying inside, and outside things are much better. The people at my work all surely think that I'm milking this for the best of it, but there's no way I could be. I try to work, but I'm in so much pain, and from lack of sleep I am not able to move as fast as I can. Someone pointed out today that I seemed happier, but when I told them what was going on, they congratulated me on how well I was faking it. What kind of person am I turning in to?

I long to go home, but part of me is afraid that if I do, I will never pick up this path again, or any other for that matter, and then what? I don't think I'm good enough to carve my way as an artist, or a writer, and acting, well, home isn't the right place to be for that. Though I do suppose that instead of spending my time writing this, I could go on to writing other things and try on that path... though, the way is arduous... Hell. For what I'm putting up with for this Medicine, I might as well... right? right?

I find myself wondering a lot of things. "Is it worth it," seems to be the big question right now. Like I said, I could go home, but is that worth it, either? There are a lot of sacrifices involved in that, and a lot of questioning to answer, but I don't mind the questions so much as the sacrifices.
The only thing has has been keeping me here is the fact that I want -want- to stay in this school. I want to finish it. I want to do something with it. I want to be able to heal people who have problems. And then I laugh, because I think of that age old saying:
Physician, heal thyself.

I'm pulling on resources that aren't mine to use, and I'm running out of time. I want to move out. I want to be in a cleaner environment. I want to be with people that respect their house. I want to be with people that understand. I want to be home. I want to be with my family, my mom and my dad. I want to be with friends who really are friends. Of course it would be ironic that I would be the one to leave this time, and not my "friends".

It would be ironic that instead of me wanting more, they are, and I've gone and left them behind. It would be ironic that when I could have had it all, happiness, family, friends, a stable job with a stable income... I left it on a chance that I would be able to do this. I think that I'm being overly dramatic over this, but at the same time, am I? Surely, I can do this. Surely I can do this. Surely.

I can do this. I can go to this school and graduate. I can complete my schooling and become a doctor and heal people. I can make a difference. Now I hear I should turn to faith; something in my soul says I should turn to faith, but I'm not sure. Why? Why am I not sure? I don't know, I can't understand it. I know there is something there that I should look to and say "I can rest easy, because it's alright; it's not in my hands," but I am not. I'm worried; I'm afraid to. Why? Am I letting the devil whisper that many things into my ear? Can I not decipher lies from the truth?

Please, God; let it not be a cop-out.

Sorry for my ramblings... sometimes it helps to get it out...

Agony

Behind the Screams, CKY

---

The fleas are still there, hiding in the darkness of the dirty roots below our feet, and they reach out to me with their claws and their teeth. They bite me and I feel ill. I can't sleep at night, because I lay upon the hot coals of hell; my body covered in waves of flame that never end, that pummel me as constantly as the icy cold waters of the sea upon the gritty sandy shore. Only, as I have said before and will say again, this feeling of agony is anything but refreshing.

My mind recoils in longing, and my bones ache at the mere thought of rest. When will this madness end? When will this disease depart from my withered frame?

My legs are covered in boils, and my feet are fleshy lesions without remorse. They ooze and leak, and all I can do is try in vain to keep them clean, but my labor is wanting, and I seem to remain one step behind. It is a mad desire, a crazed conscious that calls out to me in the day and in the night. It sings to me:
Release me,
Release me from this Hell!
End it,
End it.
Tear at it, rip it, destroy it;
Remove it;

End it!
It screams gently in my ear, and it whispers like the hissing of white-hot metal as it is dipped into the cooling quench. It rubs at the folds of my brain with brittle desperate fingers, longing to be heard, longing to be obeyed; to be granted Its one desire would be Its dying wish, and my first regret, for already has it been heard and I have responded. I display the signs of my weakness as scars for all to see. And some have yet to become so, for they will not close up and fade away as It promised.

And when I can, when I find a moment to take a breath and reflect upon my current situation, I wonder if I am still sane?

It's Comming Down

I'm a thousand miles away, but swear to God you still look pretty... -- Hey There Delilah, The White T's (I think...)

---

I spend so much time trying to get the house under control. I'm tired of all this fighting with the world around me, and I just want to be able to go home and sit down and relax... Hopefully soon. Hopefully. I haven't really been at work all week, and probably wont be until Sunday, but that's that. I've got to get this stuff under control, and if it's still blistering, I'm just going to have to suck it up and bite the bit and work, because, let's face it, life in California takes more money than it had anywhere else.

I'd like to take a moment to say thank you to my parents for being constant encouragement. Just hearing your voices makes me feel so very much better; you really have no idea.
Also, thank you to all of those friends who have been with me from the beginning... well, those who have been with me the longest, because I think my longest friendships only started 8 years ago. Anyway, thanks.

I've got so much to do, but so little patience, and so little money... I think I'm getting sick of being stuck in a catch-22.

Your Voice Calls Me Home

It's been so long since I've talked to you,
...since I've talked to you...
Since you've talked to me -- No Passenger-side Rear-view Mirror, LOFN

---

Sitting in San Diego, in the heart of the Valley and hearing your voice in my ears is quite a confusing sensation. It's almost as though you're sitting right here, and everything is as it should be, which is to say, nothing is right -- or the way one wishes it could be. But if that were the case, then I would gladly say that that is the way that it should be. I couldn't want anything else than to have some of my older friends here with me. The people with whom I've been through thick and thin. The people with whom I've seen the beginning an the end...

What I wouldn't give to have you here with me. Why can't you just apparate to me? Didn't you learn that one yet? Haven't I? haha.... well, one can always wish, right? And isn't wishing just enough?...
...

Did I hurt you that much? I'm sorry. I know we've been over this. I know we've been through these apologies more than one time already, and I know that what has been said is in the past; we move on, right? But I still want you here with me. I still miss you more than most, and consider you in the group of the top 5 people I would like to have here with me: Nick Whitaker, Jon Kielman, My parents, and You. Sure I wish there were others here, but I know that if there were anyone I could have with me, you guys would be it. Next would be a list in no particular order of Mike Burns and his family, Dani, Tucker, Paul McClendon... yeah...

I have to remember to just say "Adieu".
"Forget what's behind you."

The End of a Chapter

I have been changed for good -- For Good, Wicked OST

---

It's the end of a chapter in my book, and can I just say, that I'm glad it's over. While, it's still quite a way from done, my story is able to start over again, but will the next page lead to more danger and strife, or will it lead to joy and jubilation? I am secretly voting on the former, but we can all hope for the latter, right? My car is a few things from being packed, and I'm ready to go with my money in my hand, but there are some things I'm a bit apprehensive of... I think it's going to be a challenge to live from this point on, but I accept that challenge, and I'm going to fight the battles as they come. This past week has been anything but easy, or even difficult, so I think I can deal with it, right?

I did just find out that I'm late on a payment to my first student loan, and I'm considering getting it held again due to my current status as a student, if only at a different school, but I'm not decided on that, yet. There are some benefits to me having to pay it back early, but we'll see how that goes.

At any rate, I should let everyone go... these entries have been quite short as of late, but I think that may be a good thing. I know I haven't had near enough rest to consider doing anything art-wise, be it writing, drawing, or singing (and my voice is in fact had it for a bit), but I think after some good rest in a place I know is mine, I'll be alright. Wish me luck.

An Old Phone Pic

I liked it. Back in the day with Ms. Smith, and me, in our separate work garbs. Perhaps this is showing how the two places should come to some sort of understanding? Or perhaps it's a symbol of Peace amongst Separate Parties? Maybe we're just fun friends with a blurry phone camera?

Few Moments

Relapse
Prevent
Trigger
Intent
Now drown/High strung/Say X amount of words -- X Amount of Words, Blue October

---

I'm stressed, and while I may smile kindly at the people who have come to be called my friends, my body is reflecting what it really feels inside.

I'm soon to be a technical hobo, but I'm working on that. And school is starting soon, and... well, I'm working on that, too.

Last night I ended up going with some co-workers for Meg's birthday to the Padre game at PETCO Park. We lost, but it was fun! Anyway, gotta get back to looking and working on other things.... lot's of love and prayer would be amazing, I shouldn't doubt.

Countdown

Arrigato to kimi ni iwareru to nandaka setsunai
Sayonara no ato no tokenu mahou awaku horonigai
The flavor of life -- Flavor of Life, Utada Hikaru

---

In 5 days I will be in a home that isn't this one. I'll be free from the bonds that tie me here, and willingly sit down to new constrictions. I'll admit, there are some freedoms in this house that I enjoy, and I'll be sure to make the most of them in the upcoming days which I have left, but I'll be glad to be in a home where I wont feel bad for using things like food and the t.v.

I still have work situations to deal with, so please, keep a helpful thought in your mind for me if you get the chance... a.k.a. pray for me, please!

Closer

I want to be with you now -- Final Distance, Utada Hikaru

---

I finally found a place to live, and though it's not the best place, and it's a little shifty, it's home, and it's not here, where I am now... There are only a few days until I move in there, and I'll keep my eye out for another job, too, but we'll see how that goes...

School starts soon... I've gotta buy books.
And I somehow feel alone, again, after all this, and after all the friends I'm making, I still don't see a change.

I broke down and cried the other day. Cried; can you believe it? Sometimes I have felt that it was something that needed to happen, but I could never bring myself to do it, and then, while I was on the phone with my mother, it just happened. And I was relieved in a way. I was glad to be rid of those feelings building up inside of me with no place to go. I was glad to let it out, and I think my mother understands. I feel lighter, now, but empty. I didn't feel immediately better, though, when it happened, but I think it's growing on me. It's the way of things here.

I miss the skies in Texas. I miss the clouds, the ever-changing weather made me feel more secure about my consistent one-track life. But...

One day at a time, I guess, right? I'm closer now, to where I need to be, and I think that's a good thing. One step closer; one day at a time...

Another Month

All around me are familiar faces; worn out places; worn out faces.
Riding early for the Daily Races; going no where, going no where... -- Mad World, Gary Jules, et al.

And here we are in the middle of that month already, and not one post, yet! It seems I cannot find a suitable means of escape from the minor-number-post issue per month I've got going for myself.

At any rate, I decided to take some personal time out of getting ready and rushing out the door for work to let you all know that I'm 1)yes, still alive, and 2)actually going to college, but 3)I haven't find a place to live -- I'm going to lose mine in about 2 weeks time.

There is so much I have to say on that subject, but so little ways for me to do so. The tension in this house... it's finally gone, and the only thing left is the undeniable cloud that hangs over the back of my mind; I try not to let that get to me, though, because I know that I should be alright... Suffice it to say, I have had all of my questions answered, and my suspicious proved correct the night before they left, which was in fact, the night before last.... Though, I cannot lead my reader astray, I know not what to do now about it, nor how I truly feel over the situation. Such strange fancies continue to run though my head over what I should do next... I don't have the time to get into this right now, however.

I just finished the last of the 7 Books last night, and was elated to find it over with. Perhaps I'll be able to write more on it tonight when I get home.... Perhaps; I should like that very much.

These Things I've Done.

I really, really like M-FLO -- Crystal Kay loves M-FLO

---

Every month I think, this will be the month that I write every day, or I'll get past a total of 9 posts this time, but I guess it's still going to be a while.

For those of you who are wondering where I've been and what I've been up to, I'll give you a little info. I'm now currently residing in San Diego trying to find my future; when people ask why I'm here, I tell them I'm looking for true love, and I have a good laugh at that. What I'm really doing is trying to find a good paying job and go to graduate school, but that doesn't seem to be working out too well at this point. I have to figure out what I need to do to have a job, or some respectable flow of income, a place to live, and how to move on in the academic/medical community. And I'm even considering -not- going to school for at least one semester...

I took a risk this past week on a job that I am not going to get, and now I've missed out on a job I could have had in my hand, and to make things somewhat worse, I keep hearing about it. I'm going to kick myself if I can't get it tomorrow when I try to go in...

Somebody pray. I think I need it.

blah

thought this was neat.

In the Waking Hours

People of the Far North, Nobuo Uematsu

---

I pulled the latch and pushed the door back: it gave easily with a dull hum as it moved down its old, grimy metal track. As soon as I stepped out onto the cold wooden porch, I could feel the cool night air surrounding my body, and clinging hopefully to my warm skin. I took a deep breath as I placed my hands atop the old painted wood railing and leaned into it as I looked out at the darkened landscape around me.

Headlights flickered through the distant trees and lit up my face in flashes as they drove by what they cannot see. It doesn't seem to matter how long I spend in this place: the place I longed for as a child; one step closer to the place I yearn to call my home. It doesn't seem to matter how many hours go by, or how many people say hello, I always feel like I am in a dream; like I don't belong, or fit in, and that at any moment, I'm going to suddenly open my eyes in my darkened room back at home, the time I spent here quickly fading from my memory as I slowly realize that I had never truly left.

No matter what, I still feel as cold and distant as the night air and headlights that blindly reach out to me with no comfort to offer.

BLUE Skies

The Blue Sky can be seen if you open your Blue Umbrella -- Colors, Utada Hikaru

---

I thought I'd jump out here and let you all know that things are going better since I wrote that last post. It really is a matter of how you view things, and what you let get to you. Being around this part of my family, even though we're not that close, were closer than I'd realized, and they're rubbing off on me. I'm learning to be more carefree, more loving, and more myself. Of course, it helps now that I have an Utada Hikaru CD [Ultra Blue] to listen to (though I want more [20_Jun] lol).

I still don't have a serving job. I haven't gone looking for one, but I do have a job, still, and it's getting better. I do have to say, though. Today was a little hectic; I still felt like I was in people's way, but I knew what I was doing. I just need to get better at what I can do, and then the rest will come to me; I'm sure of it!

Though, if any of you pray, please pray that I do get a serving job soon. A good one. One I can feel at home in, and not worry about how bad I might be doing, because I have a job that I know I can do.

I love you all, and hope to see you again someday
But enough of that, now; there's a life to be lived, and laundry to wash, and a gym to be gym'd, and those things don't happen on their own.

Ganbatte

favourite song right now ^^

---

I've figured it out, I think.
The feeling is still the same: whenever I'm around the people here, I don't belong. I feel like I'm somewhere else. I have trouble fitting in...
I haven't been being me.

I've been so worried about what others think about me, and I swear I don't know how that started. It's a problem I've been facing for quite some time now, but it's come to a head here in California. This is the place I've wanted to be for so long; a place where I knew no one would care how you were, but I think I'd figured in my head somehow that fake people were gods here -- and a lot of them are, but if someone who would break if you dropped them on the ground is so highly praised, then how much more would a man of substance be praised, and loved? That's what I'm missing. Genuine Love.

So here I go. It's the end of a day, the end of the weekend, and the beginning of my work week, and I've got time, I've still got time to show everyone who I am. I don't have to worry about being perfect. I don't have to worry about impressing anyone, because they don't matter: what they don't like about me doesn't matter, because I'm me! So here I go.

Here I go, I'm going to show them who I am!

What My Words Fear To Say

I'm anxious, but I can't say anything. -- Final Distance, Utada Hikaru

---

What is it to feel like you belong somewhere?
What is it that makes people stick together?

Living in this new place -- living with my extended family -- really hurts me in a way I didn't really expect. Being so disconnected from the things that have transpired throughout each of our individual lives has changed the way things would normally work for families. Though, I suppose it is the same way for any family when they interact with their extensions, and by that same note, it is to be expected, because my fingers know not what my heart is doing, but by the blood that is sent to and taken from them from a distance. Perhaps that was a strange analogy, but it is how it is to me. We share the same blood in this family, but there is a distance between us all.
And it hurts my heart whenever I'm around them.

I feel like I'm intruding every second of the day. I feel like I'm not wanted. I feel like I've done something wrong, and no one wants to talk about it. I feel like extra baggage. I feel like I'm intruding. I feel like I'm disappointing someone. I feel like I'm forgotten...

The world I grew up in and the world I've come to live in are different in more ways that I was preparing myself for. At the same time, the few ways I was aware of are more extreme than I had at first conceived. The people I run into are silent, rude, and selfish, as I expected, and I'm alone for the most part, again, as I expected, but the level of egocentricity -- the degree of solitude... they're devastating me, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

I know I said I would be alone. I know I said I would be happy that way; I was tired of the smile-in-your-face-stab-you-in-the-back attitude of the people I had run into and run in by for the past several years. It's all but ironic that the last people I knew before I left home were some of the best people I could have possibly been around, and before anything could have gone wrong between us on their side, I left, and Alanis Morissette could not have said it better.

Do not be misled, friends; far be it from my intention to lead you to believe that I absolutely hate the place I've found myself in. By all means, I find beautiful and interesting things here every day that keep me well and fine, and I have a great fluffy bed to sleep on, and the beach, for Heaven's sake, but there is still that lack of something I need. There is still a longing for something to fill the hole. I know that God can fill that hole, but I don't have the gusto to go after that. For that admission of truth, I feel terrible, and for the living out of said truth, I feel terrible, but still... the truth is the truth. I am making it, and I wont give up so easily.

On the other hand, I have been formally accepted into Graduate School at the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine, San Diego (the interview was something close to the most awkward discussion I've had in a while)!
But now, I must retire, for work is early and I am late to bed.

Easy Breezy ^^

It's a Rhythm

When you walk away, you don't hear me say,
"Please... Oh, baby, don't go..." -- Simple and Clean, Utada Hikaru

---

Gearing up for another day at work. The clock here says after 0700, but in actuality its closer to five. I have to get up early for my job that I found, but it gives me a chance to have the nights off... Though, it's not much of a night, I guess, when my night usually has to end at 1900 to get to bed for enough sleep.

I have been to the beach twice. The ocean is one of those distant things that I yearn to do, but have never had the gall to get out there and run after it. For some reason, I find myself stuck in some sort of strange paradox of life; it's been said that you want what you can't have, but you care less for what you do. I don't want this to be the way things are for me.

I've been thinking a lot, lately, too. About people, and the things I've done in my past. Of course, I've thought about these things several times before, as one could easily see by reading through my past entries, but I find myself wondering about them again: where I've been and who I am and what I've done. These are things I cannot ever get away from, and when I finally do, as I thought I did when I moved away, they come back to me, as an all-inclusive package on my front-doorstep.

I don't have time for this... I've hardly the time for anything.

Just Letting You Know

koi wo shitte... SAKURA ドロップス, Utada Hikaru

---

I thought this month was going to be different, but I'm having a lot of problems with getting to use the internet. I'm still not living in my own place, but I've got a free one for as long as I need. I'm looking at about 2 to 3 months, so please be patient with me while this goes on, and I'll try to make a post or two when I get the chance.

Lot's of love,
`koa

Shabbat

100th post, huzzah!

---

For the first time in a long time, I've been resting -- truly resting, and it feels wonderful. I just spent the day (mostly) asleep, and have just woken up feeling refreshed. Amazing.

I got the job at Starbucks, and I spent a majority of the day yesterday flipping out about how little money I'd be paid. It took quite a bit from Dad and Mom and Sunny to convince me that everything would be alright: I would just take what I had at the moment, and then keep looking, while saving money, and being clean and healthy and... just, living; it's a hard thing to do after being used to getting anywhere between fifty to 100 dollars a day just for showing up and looking good, but it will suffice for now.

People-wise, I've spent quite a bit of time with Sunny. I've met her fantastic room mate, California, and a good friend of Sunny's named Julie. Last night we went to the Bahia to celebrate Julie's boyfriend's graduation, and I stayed the night in a $4000 room. The view out the back was the beach, and we could walk out anywhere on it. There were two steam-boats in the bay as well, right outside our door, so we had quite a good time. At first I thought I didn't want to make any friends for a long time, but seeing as how I've already met a few people (such as Jessi's new boyfriend, Nate, who is awesome, and probably my surfing buddy), I think I'm starting to enjoy it. Being alone is one thing. Being alone and recuperating is another. While I've recuperated somewhat from my injuries, I've learned that I had actually done a lot of that healing back in the town I left behind, and I miss those friends and lovers I had around me so dearly sometimes, it makes me wonder if I ever should have left at all.
Of course, then, I laugh, and wave my hand at the funny thought as if to disperse it from all existence.

One thing I am trying to learn, however, is how to accept people the way they are. There are some things I've come across already that I have trouble with. I'm shocked at how people's views are so black and white around here. It may have been beneficial to grow up in such a town where the lines are so faded between right and wrong; good and evil have no definite forms there. The people who are so good, are really creatures of darkness, and the people who are seen as evil, are probably the most realistic and loving people anyone could ever have around them.
Here, things are either right or wrong, good or bad, gay or straight, drama or mellow, lies or truth. And there are even people who feel like things have to be talked over to exist, and they can't just exist without their acknowledging it. What a strange world I've fallen into... Or, as Alice would say,

Curiouser and Curiouser.

Mistakes...

2 am and she calls me cuz I'm still awake:
"Can you help me unravel my biggest mistake..." -- Breath (2am), Anna Nalick

---

It seems like lately at about 2am in Texas, I find myself wondering what I'm doing here, and who I'm here for. I'm not concerned about whether or not I'm supposed to be here, because I want to be here, and I need to be here to further my life as a healer. Still, I wonder what I'm doing when I mess things up with my cousins, and spend money over and over and don't ever stop to question why...

I keep doing or saying random things that make my cousins mad, or a little upset, at any rate. I've gotten Sunny and Jess, and there's still one to go, though I pray to God it doesn't happen. Third time's the charm, right?... right...

Who I am is who I am. Watashi wa watashi wa. Though I do feel a little bad that it seems it's always a shock to the people here that I'm completely different than they want me to be. I say what I want; I feel what I want; I do what I want, and if no one likes it that way, I have the habit of saying "Hey, that's not my problem," but is it? Is it my problem that I'm not who they want me to be? No. But is it my problem that I don't act properly and sustained? Not really. I have to be outgoing. I have to be entertaining. I have to be energetic. I'm here in this new land all by myself after all; I've no one to answer to accordingly...

I just need to show a little more tact. I need to find a place to fit in. What kind of person am I? Who am I?

Finally There

Cultivate your hunger before you idealize. -- Wind, Naruto (season 1)

---

I'm finally in San Diego; that is one step away from my dream of living in Santa Monica or something of the sort.

It feels strange to be here by myself after so many years wanting it. I am looking for a job, and **as a sudden thrust of information** I just got a call back (2 or 3 whole business days ahead of the informed day) from Starbucks, so we'll see how that goes. The interview is tomorrow at 12.

My outgoing email isn't working on my Outlook, and I haven't been able to figure out why. It's only a mild irritant, but frustrating nonetheless. I am looking for a place to stay as soon as I get a job, and that way I can be saving up my money for a down payment and the first month's rent; this may all take a couple of weeks, but I have a temporary location with my Aunt. I'm a little disappointed that it has taken almost a full business week to get one call back, but I haven't been doing a whole lot of job hunting, anyway. I spent the first couple of days with Sunny, helping her get moved out of the Towers at SDSU (right after my first interview with Starbucks), and then a whole lot of jazz... Eating has been pretty irregular for me... I should work on that.

Anyway, I'm off to do more job hunting. Wish me luck! (ganbatteiyo!)

T-minus 5, and Counting

California here we come
Right back where we started from... -- California, Phantom Planet

---

There is little time left until I am to rise and leave in the morning on the beginning of my long journey west.

I feel there are a few things I've yet to accomplish in this city, but now is not the time, else I would stay. I do feel regret for leaving my family and dearest friends behind me here. It is somewhat ironic that after so many errors, and so many other times when I was the one left behind, it is now my turn to do so.

For that, please forgive me.

In a few days, I will arrive in San Diego if all goes according to plan, and nothing ill befalls me (though we all will pray to God for otherwise).

Quick! Guess who's coming to see me tonight?

I reply that I don't know, but she leans in closer, and all but throws herself upon my chest with a giddy laugh.

Come on! Take a wild guess!

I shake my head, and say the first name that comes to mind. It's right. She grins widely, looking up at me; pure ecstatic pleasure radiates from her eyes, and I roll mine as I look away. She blinks and straightens, offended.

Why did you just roll your eyes at me? Is it at him?

Of course it wasn't at him... well, maybe. And it wasn't at her... it... was the situation....

I look back down at her, watching me carefully, and I decide that it's best to watch my steps as she is watching me.

It's nothing, I tell her, but she doesn't believe me, and as I turn to walk away, she hooks her arm through mine and follows suit.

Then what? she inquires; the tone in her voice is truly pleading. She wants me to be happy with her... for her.

But I reply that it's nothing, again. And again, she doesn't believe me. I sigh, and pull her into the server alley.

I don't know, I lie, doesn't he have a girlfriend?

She looks up at me in shock, and the what that jumped from her mouth was the verbal wall of her body language, pounding me between the ears. I shrug it off.

He better not.

Yeah, I think to myself... he better not... and I clench my teeth into a smile that I hope is as congratulatory and uplifting as I know it is fake. I try to smile away the heartbreak that he had handed me.

Provocative

---

The TKP has written a provocative entry, about the gender roles of men and women, and she has asked for feedback on the subject. She also lamented about her lack of thought-provoking entries, which I find to be ironic in itself, seeing as how this very entry was so very thought-provoking, in more than one way.

On the note of gender roles, what we have seen in present times is that the bold line between men and women is growing thinner, and may disappear all-together in the near future. While I'm not overly concerned about this move toward unity, there is the issue of provider/caretaker, and the actual ability to fulfill that role in society. Men have always been, and should always be, the provider, because they have the strength to obtain what is required by the caretaker -- traditionally a woman -- to take care of the family and home space.

Now, it is important to note that I am by no means demeaning the ability of women to become providers, nor men to become caretakers, but each sex is naturally suited to a particular job. Individual people may or may not have been blessed with the ability to overcome the definitions of such jobs, and therefore may or may not be able to step outside those boundaries to something more.

Moving on to the topic of provocative entries... Well, about a month ago, I looked back at my year of posts (well, considerably-less-than-a-year's-worth, anyway), and I discovered that I had taken a long and winding ride on a tangent from the original circumference of my blog's scope. Now, I wasn't too worried about this action, nor am I still, because I simply am going to make an effort to remain focused on my blogs intent... However, I've yet to truly do that, though I am blogging more regularly.

The title, "Scratch Sheet: My working out of the Test of Life", could even have several meanings, and I am not pointing this out as an attempt at justifying what I've done, but merely so that I do not feel so guilty about not having centered the topics around what I think God is saying to me in different things... .... ....

I am still trying to make out what life I have, and what is going on, and that happens by reporting what I go through with different people. How's that for an excuse?

Pushing the Sky

Don't wanna be an American idiot.
Don't want a nation under the new media.
And can you hear the sound of hysteria?
The subliminal mind[?@!#] America. -- American Idiot, Green Day

---

My Dear Brady has written a very interesting post, and rather than just link to his site (which is already supplied in the right-hand column of this blog), I am going to post it here, along with my response. Enjoy.

---

[Thursday, April 26, 2007]
        :::Raising the bar:::

:::4:29 am:::

The term "raising the bar" doesn't mean much nowadays.

I remember flying through the TAAS test (now the TAKS or something like that) and not worrying at all. Some questions you would have to think hard to pick the wrong answer. School was easy for me for the most part. I'm frustrated because it seems that nowadays people lower the bar so more people can make it. "Lets lower our standards so more people can feel good about themselves and meet our requirements."

Those who want to succeed and jump high can do a little jump and cross the hurdle. Now everyone can slide by.

By no means am I saying that people don't struggle with things like the TAAS or TAKS or school in general. I know things like that are difficult for many people. I feel like it's more than that though.

Church has lowered the bar. You can come to our Sunday morning services and (clap clap if you do) come to our more lively Wedsnesday night services and you've passed. I'm not talking about needing perfection. But how about some training? How about some people getting in my face like a real coach and pushing me forward? How about team efforts where we run together and train together? How about a challenge?

I can walk into church on Sunday mornings and never prepare. If no one else trained, I could walk up to a high jump event and jump over the bar if everyone is with me. I want to succeed. I want to raise that bar and try again. What? I knocked it off last time because I didn't jump hard enough? Lower the bar? No! Raise it an inch and I'll try it again.

If you can't make it, don't lower it, jump higher and harder and you'll be ready for the next level. I'm tired of staying where I am. Who'll jump up with me?

:::4:38 am:::

      Posted 4/26/2007 4:38 AM

My Comment::

I can agree with you on the "height" of standards in America... or even the world in general, but I feel rather confident that we're leading this.

In the old days, it used to be that if you wanted to go to college a University, you had to have the money. Well, the money is still the same, but the brains requirements has all but disappeared, and the very concept of secondary or even tertiary education has slowly shifted down to a first-gear party life; the great country we were raised hearing about is nothing more than a whisper of the past.

Still, this is where we are, and this is what we've been given... I feel the same as you; I'll jump for it, because I'm not satisfied with "just enough", but when I'm alone, "just enough" sometimes is just too much, even. Where are the bonds that hold Her together anymore? The Church has become a one-man game, and it's not the right Man.

Thoughts

Oh, it's what you do to me -- Hey There Delilah, Plain White T's

---

If you've never heard this song before, I highly recommend listening to it. The version I have is acoustic (though I don't know if it's the original or not -- I mean, there could be some other version that is more common... like... rock).

I just got a message on myspace from my cousin Jess, and I was thinking about how in just two weeks' time, I'll be moving out to San Diego. I thought about how interesting it was that both my brother and I desired to move out there so badly, ever since we were both young.

And then I started thinking about my parents, and how I want them to move out there, also, but before they can, there will be time of them being here -- alone. Or, they may never move out there; I don't know how I feel about that. Sure, I've thought about it all before, but I've never really sat down and thought about it, you know? There's a difference, I think.

It is breaking my heart, though, I want you all to know. I worry for them. I am concerned for them. They'll be all alone here in the big Midwest...

Struming My Pain...

But it hurts when I think,
When I let it sink in... -- 4 in the Morning, Gwen Stefani

---

I'm finding myself appreciative of how every time I turn the radio on these days, it either seems to be beginning, or about to play one of three songs:

• Lost Without U, Robin Thicke
• 4 in the Morning, Gwen Stefani
• Say It Right, Nelly Furtado

Tonight I heard some random Slim Shady song (after Robin, of course), and it was funny ("'you got a tatoo? what's that say? rest in pieces? uh... that's great.'"), but I still am awed by how this music seems to creep into every bit of my heart and mind.

I don't mind it so much; after all, it manages to say everything I can't seem to say myself. And tonight, I had some friendly advice from an "oldie". She told me that you will see what you want in everyone you come across, but what comes and is said or done, is just that, and when it's all said and done, it's just that. Her point was that there will be more who are right, and that just because that one was there, it doesn't mean it was the last, or even the right thing.

Being the kind of guy that I am, I'd like to think it was right, but I'm just a hopeless romantic on the inside, and we all know what kind of saps those people can be... hah.... hahah...

If You Want It Just Ask...

I'm lost without you;
I cant help myself.
How does it feel
To know that I love you, baby? -- Lost Without U, Robin Thicke

---

I dashed off to work and, for some reason, I had a lot of energy tonight. It wasn't such a bad thing, though I think my internal mechanisms were messed up due to the way I slept last night on that poor couch; it was one or the other for a bed, and neither are heavenly.

After work, I went to play some pool, but all I could think about was Taani.

I'm not a stalker. I swear upon whatever book they put under your hand these days, and if you don't believe me, well that's not my problem, because I know what I mean, and life goes on.

But I think about just spending time, hanging out, and really getting to know each other... while I'm sober. While we're sober. I just want one chance..., but... would that one moment really change anything for either of us? Would it just make me more addicted to the idea of it all, and nothing ever be accomplished?
It's likely.

But I still would want the chance...

It's not such a bad thing. I am around other people, and I'm stronger, because of it all. I don't fall prey to such simple seductions, because I feel like I'm waiting for something better. I know what I want in a partner, and I know that I can wait for it.

but it hurts my heart to think i may never get the one who began it all

Through the Storm

You could mean everything to me... -- Say It Right, Nelly Furtado

---

I ended up staying in Dallas last night, against my decision to leave, but I had forgotten about the storm that would be coming through. Still, even with that, I made good time and got home safely.

On a good note, the O Bar added to my tab 21.60, raising it to a total of $71.60; tip = $3.60.

While it's not the 12 dollars I had wanted to leave, the problem is solved, and my friend Michael assured me today that places like that will fix mess-ups, and add at least 15% gratuity if there is no tip.... I don't know if that is exactly fifteen percent or not, but at least it's all solved. I felt terrible, I can assure you all, and I was even considering going back down and handing them 30 dollars just to feel better about it. Michael also informed me that I would still be allowed to enter the Bar, and that I probably would not be remembered for that, if for anything at all.

Awkward

Just a little look has got me feeling things
Just a little touch has got me seeing things
Just a little taste has got me off the chains
Doing things that I don't want to -- Do It, Nelly Furtado

---

So, as I think I might have mentioned (and if not, well, read on avid digesters, because you'll soon hear), I was in DFW this past weekend.
And I made a big fool of myself...

Let's start off before all that:
I was getting sick on Thursday, and like before (about two months ago), so I thought (of course, at my mother's always-golden advice) it would be best for me to go ahead and go to the doctor and get some meds. Hooray for steroids, and anti-biotics that creep back up your esophagus.

Fast forward -- Saturday 8am:
After having arrived in town the evening before, I spent the night with Jon, and got up early to go to the Convention Center for the Lone Star Competition sponsored by Mizuno. La was coaching; Kaydee was playing, and so was my cousin, Kelly.... I don't really want to sit around and talk about the whole competition, but I'll let you guys know that in the end (on Monday at about 3:50pm) Kelly's team EPIC won the whole tourney; adding that to the won they got in Atlanta, they're going to be Seeded rather high in the National Volleyball Tournament in July.

Saturday night:
I got drunk. Well, no.... yeah. I got drunk. La and Taani took me out with a friend named Thomas (accent on the a), and we went to the O Bar, and then to some other places that I have no idea what they're names are... except they called one a "poser" bar.The frist awkward event that I just found out about, is that my tab was 68 dollars (no I didn't drink all those, and at one point, getting a series of drinks was an effort to keep Taani from buying me another). Herein lies the problem. with a 68 dollar tab, I left a 12 dollar tip. I looked on my bank account, and I only spent 50. Bottom line: I feel terrible. I looked at my copy of the receipt, and it sort of does look like a 50, but I doubt I wrote that down on the other one... God, I feel bad... I can't get over that right now.

To top it all off, I made a big fool of myself, and I was doing nothing but trying to impress Taani. Tell me someone else is an idiot like me and said stupid shit like **"I've liked you for a while," and "I'm sorry I'm moving." It gets better. Taani made those awkward forward touches, at the beginning (which I'm totally not against!), but it changed when we left the O Bar... I don't know (that's when I said all that dumb ass stuff). But then there were times (afterward) when I clutched on to his arm to help guide me through, and he helped out. And then it got more confusing as we crossed the street at one point, and he reached back to hold my hand. Of course I took it without thinking, and we crossed the street, and he put me up in front of him. Analyze that and come out with an answer: he didn't want me falling behind, but it sure as hell confused me. Then he got my next drink for me (even though it was free to begin with, but the thing was his particular favourite...) and proceeded to lead me outside (again with the arm thing, not the hand). And then it kind of went downhill from there.

We left and went home, but on the way I kind of fell asleep and he poked fun at me from the front seat. I lied about it, though whenever he called out for me, I answered, so it wasn't so bad... I just don't know why I lied about it. Shitty, how people can make you screw up.

It was one of those things that the next day you woke up and said to yourself "Damnit." ...
"What the hell!" was probably more precisely on my mind.

I went to the competition, and I found La and Taani, and said hey. Awkward: La wasn't too conversive.
I went over to Taani and sat down and began a little small talk. He asked how my cousin was doing, and I answered, and then I apologized for acting a fool the night before. He laughed and gave me an awkward look with the "... no" answer (you know the kind). I corrected him, and said that of course I was the fool, and I felt bad for it. He shook his head and said he didn't care as long as everyone had fun. I told him I did, but that was the end of that...

I don't mean to keep this already long conversation going, but I really like this guy. He's tall, dark (Tongan), really smart, money-smart... it just goes on. Beautiful in more than one way... I just don't know what the hell to do. I almost hate to leave Texas just for this one person, even if it doesn't work out, I would consider it more worthy of my time to pursue him.

---

**So at this point, the conversation went like this in the back seat of the car:
"I'm not going to lie, I've liked you for a while now."
He looked at me and laughed; "How can you? After having just met? [We haven't even gotten to know each other yet!]"
"How?"
"I don't know," he laughed, and waved his phone. "Text; E-mail?"
Here's where I got his number, and he told me how to spell his name, and I got it right in my phone, I swear, but I was so drunk that when I sent him a text with my number in it, I spelt it wrong (but swore it was right -- icing on the cake).

Nerves

the time is ticking

---

It's slowly creeping up on me like some unseen danger lurking in the darkness. I'm moving in less than a month!!

I'd like to sit and take the time to share with you all how I feel totally and absolutely confident about this, but I can't. I fear for my life. I am afraid in a not so scream-and-jump kind of way. I'm very very nervous about my finances. I'm not so concerned with the actual "being out there", but with the "getting there" part.

... It's not like me to do this sort of thing, but if anyone actually happens across this, and feel the need to donate and help me out, I'm not going to lie, I'll accept whatever I can get.

Prayers would be most graciously accepted.

A Cold Wind Blew

And brought to me forgotten memories
As though my life were to pass by in the next few seconds,
And I never to see it return again...

---

As I stepped outside my door, the cool damp air met my skin, and a smell I had forgotten for what seems now like ages filled my nostrils with its sweet perfume. The strange turn in the weather brought me back to a time before the battered shack in the field of dreams. It brought me to a cold land far in the north, where two boys met and played, and lost what they thought they knew and loved during the War. It brought me back to a place called Devon, and a hope for a future that no one could have. It brought me to a friendship where he played a solemn nocturne on a flute in the mist, and I wandered below with a sword, practicing against unseen demons; though I smiled then. I smile now, but it was more.... more...

My thoughts trail away from me now. It is something I expect. I seem to recall this happening before, but as soon as I am away from the feeling, I forget ever having it. This time I was determined to remember. To reminisce and to record its occurrence, no matter how little sense it makes. So that I may not forget...

But it is so easy...