What My Words Fear To Say

I'm anxious, but I can't say anything. -- Final Distance, Utada Hikaru

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What is it to feel like you belong somewhere?
What is it that makes people stick together?

Living in this new place -- living with my extended family -- really hurts me in a way I didn't really expect. Being so disconnected from the things that have transpired throughout each of our individual lives has changed the way things would normally work for families. Though, I suppose it is the same way for any family when they interact with their extensions, and by that same note, it is to be expected, because my fingers know not what my heart is doing, but by the blood that is sent to and taken from them from a distance. Perhaps that was a strange analogy, but it is how it is to me. We share the same blood in this family, but there is a distance between us all.
And it hurts my heart whenever I'm around them.

I feel like I'm intruding every second of the day. I feel like I'm not wanted. I feel like I've done something wrong, and no one wants to talk about it. I feel like extra baggage. I feel like I'm intruding. I feel like I'm disappointing someone. I feel like I'm forgotten...

The world I grew up in and the world I've come to live in are different in more ways that I was preparing myself for. At the same time, the few ways I was aware of are more extreme than I had at first conceived. The people I run into are silent, rude, and selfish, as I expected, and I'm alone for the most part, again, as I expected, but the level of egocentricity -- the degree of solitude... they're devastating me, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

I know I said I would be alone. I know I said I would be happy that way; I was tired of the smile-in-your-face-stab-you-in-the-back attitude of the people I had run into and run in by for the past several years. It's all but ironic that the last people I knew before I left home were some of the best people I could have possibly been around, and before anything could have gone wrong between us on their side, I left, and Alanis Morissette could not have said it better.

Do not be misled, friends; far be it from my intention to lead you to believe that I absolutely hate the place I've found myself in. By all means, I find beautiful and interesting things here every day that keep me well and fine, and I have a great fluffy bed to sleep on, and the beach, for Heaven's sake, but there is still that lack of something I need. There is still a longing for something to fill the hole. I know that God can fill that hole, but I don't have the gusto to go after that. For that admission of truth, I feel terrible, and for the living out of said truth, I feel terrible, but still... the truth is the truth. I am making it, and I wont give up so easily.

On the other hand, I have been formally accepted into Graduate School at the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine, San Diego (the interview was something close to the most awkward discussion I've had in a while)!
But now, I must retire, for work is early and I am late to bed.