What I Know

Isn't much. And what I'd like to know, isn't enough.

I spent the whole day alone yesterday. I did nothing, until later on in the night when I went out to finally set up my pipe to be used. The cavendish I had bought is very sharp; it burns my mouth, so I don't think I'll be smoking it so much, if at all. Oh well, it was only two dollars.

It's is something quite different to spend a whole day alone. Especially after you get home from a trip where that is all you are. Maybe it's just me, but I thought that I would be able to spend time with friends I hadn't seen in a long time. Almost as if this trip I took was the reset button on a game that had gone horribly wrong. Well... I was invited to go watch Superman with the guys, but I didn't have any money... Irony at some of it's finer tunings.

The more I see the less I know the more I'd like to let it go.

Inheritance

What I have to inherit is more than what I had spent my childhood dreaming about: a cubicle with a view walled in shades of gray carpeted dividers, business suits of similar array, a car, a wife, a kid, a house.
Well, I suppose it is less, in a way. At least, right now, that is. What I have discovered I am to inherit as I cross the line in the winter to the Golden Land is a family that is more there for me than I had expected. I have to admit to all you rabid readers that I am quite in shock. I am left floundering in the aftermath of a wave of ecstasy.

Turning my mind to former things – that is to say, the things that held my attention for much too long before I so graciously took my leave – I cannot help but realize that this trip was nothing more than an extended sleep for these things in that it only left them undone for the time being. The worse of it is that instead of everyone being on their own at rest, and nothing happening on either side, there are days and days that have gone by; all of which will be accounted for at one point by any one of the people involved… *sigh*
But that is for another time.

My Mother’s family has taken quite strongly to the idea of me becoming an Acupuncturist, and they have rallied around me in a shocking manner. We’ll have to wait and see how it works out in the end, but my cousin Andy is willing to partner with me already. As excited as that makes me to do what I want to do, I noticed, also, that it has loaded me down with some expectations, and in that regard, I am nervous. Still I will try to do my best. Tomorrow is my chance to get a good look at this college: Open House. Wish me luck, and I hope I can tell you all about it when I get the chance. :]

On The Phone

"Hello?" the voice through the earpiece was deep and mellow; groggy.

"Did I wake you?" Slight humor filled the "yeah" that replied. "Sorry, I'm just returning your call. I got off work quite a bit later than I had anticipated." I had hoped it wasn't too late to start a conversation; to fix the things that had been wrong since last weekend.

"Huh," plain and simple; he didn't seem interrested. In fact, I am not scared to suppose he was annoyed, but there was still that bit of humor in its tone -- something you can't shake out of your head when you think about it too long.

"I was just calling to say 'bye'." I don't know why I said it that bluntly. "Ok... bye," I think I had hoped somewhere in side of me that he would remember -- I always seem to have my heart bent on those brightly gilt false hopes -- "Maybe tomorrow or something."

"No... that is why I was calling. You wont see me tomorrow. Or the day after... That's why I'm calling to say 'bye'." I don't think he noticed my pause. He couldn't have, else he probably would have said something other than "ok, bye."

He got me, "... ok." There was a quiver in my softspoken surrender that time.

Something he couldn't have missed. I don't know who hung up first... but I know that there were several seconds of dead air after that. And then I hit the end button and looked at my phone face. It flashed the seconds. Whoever had done it, it happened after that silence. That awkward, annoyed silence. And is it my fault? No. I had told them I was going. I had told him. I hate it. I hate how I hold people up to standards they don't ever seem to achieve.

Now I'm stuck. I know who the people around me are; what they are.... But I end up looking bad.

I still feel empty.

On a brighter note, I managed to get some money into debt pool and now it is significantly reduced for a period of time. We'll see how well that all goes... though I can't help but feel some strange sigh of satisfaction at myself.

---

I think a lot lately. I drive around, down the city streets, and I find myself wondering what life would be like had I been somewhere else... you know, before all this happened. All this. ... Even still, as I raise my hand to gesture towards the list of things I wish had never happened to me in the past six months... in the past two years, I can only stop to think about what kind of ignorant child I'd still be had it not. Though I can no longer feel content with the kind of life I've been leading -- stressed to the marrow by the dire straits inflicted by my more dear loved ones -- I do think it is somewhat a comfort to know that I'm me, still; me in all the mess, and when anyone looks in my direction, that is what they will see.

Hard to follow? A new friend has said it as "genuine."

John::You're... I don't know... Don't be offended or wierd, but you're genuine. Honestly genuine. From the moment I shook your hand, I felt relaxed, and I knew it, in my heart. I knew that you were genuine, and there aren't many of you, if a handful.

What More?

I'm taking the front row seat to my own demise. 1,000 dollars in debt, a trip in two days, and not a word of concern or desire from my friends.

My heart is hurting and none exist to calm the storm. And when I see them next, I know they will ask me where I've been. But... It would be nice to have them call me. It would be nice to know they care.

Say a prayer for me. A prayer that God will be there for me. Financially. Emotionally.

Eleven Days

Well, this has turned out to be a summer I cannot easily say is a poor one, or one to enjoy. I know I've already mentioned it, but I'll do it again, as long as I'm caught off guard by it. Seeing as how that keeps happening, I wonder if I should just stop assuming that everything will go the way I want it to. When did I start expecting everything to go right? Especially after this past year going so... not well.

... haha...

I guess I haven't grown up enough to realize that things will always come as a surprise when you expect them not to. But, speaking of growing older, I turn 21 [see title] soon. Hooray. I'm not as worried about it this time, as I was last year when I seemed to undergo a pre-mid-life-crisis.

That's not to say I don't have my own book of problems this year around. For instance, I'm looking for another job. Well, actually, by the end of tonight, I am left wondering whether or not I should actually do that. The thing is, too much happened on Thursday that, while I had the capability to control and prevent, I wasn't paying enough attention. So, under the premise of "I don't care enough about my job," I lost my rights to the bar, and my title as a trainer. I do find it interesting that it comes as an I-have-the-last-word sort of blow from my GM. Notibly, I feel that if he (the others as well) feels that the best thing for me is to take away something I presumably have no care for rather than to encourage me and explain the need for a care (without stating that I don't care about it), then there is no need for me to continue in my service to that company.

A long wait and list of flowery words later, I decided I was going to quit, but I informed the manager who the GM had left with the task of informing me of my demotion that I would be attempting to secure another job before I put my official 2-week notice in. Tomorrow I will have another talk with them, I suppose, in an attempt to discover exactly how much of my duties have been revoked, and about what I have thought about. While I bear a strong distaste for working with the GM as of current, I don't have the time to find another job -- most would refuse to hire someone who was leaving in the winter -- and I've worked with him before while we were not talking. There are things about him that I like, and things that I am not very impressed by, not that it is mine to say whether something is wrong or right. However, I do feel that a manager should be more of an adult when compared to his sub-staff.

*sigh* With that I'll retire. But I'll interject my apology for only updating drastic information. I'm sure you all think my life is either rather boring, or too hectic. *shrug* Still, I trudge on, whether it is either, and I hope that in the near future I'll be able to maintain decent intercourse on my thoughts and my life, and in turn finish that story about Ruidoso.

Goodnight.

Dani California

Who I am is where I've been. First, the title of this entry is from the Red Hot Chili Peppers song of the same name. The sound of this piece is something that seems to haunt me in the quiet hours of the night when I feel that there is none aside from God watching and waiting for me to open up my mouth and speak...

I've had a rough start; this summer is not anything special to me. In fact, I don't quite know what to do with myself now that I school is in lacking, and when I'm not at work all I can do is sit around. If I don't call people, they don't call me. They wonder where I've been, and what I've been up to, because for some strange reason I can get lost and no one notices until they see me again. It is as if I'm some sort of anomally, like a comet, and once I'm gone, no one remembers my name, or where I've come from.

It is enough for me to try and not be bitter about the things I cannot change in the past, and even though I have enough wounds criss-crossing this open heart of mine I cannot seem to hide it to save my life. I cannot easily put into words the way I feel when I am around my friends, or those who would call themselves such. Still, after six months -- at this time -- I am able to say I would rather be alone, and feel that way, than around anyone and feel alone.