When Monday Comes Calling

I'm lost without you
Can't help myself -- Lost Without U, Robin Thicke

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What the hell am I thinking!

I can't find any swim trunks, I'll just go back home...

Sitting in front of my computer, doing nothing worth doing, and growing anxious over the coming months; they aren't even here yet. What the hell am I thinking, doing this to myself? I can't afford a move! I can't afford something so expensive as that week trip before that! I can't get my car fixed with what little I have saved up... I don't have any money, when I think about it. I've got so much to do.

No, I haven't received your transcripts, or your letters.
No, the computer says we have not yet received your packages.
No, we never received your letter of withdrawal.

What the hell... Something is going on. I can't get out of this place.

...but would it be any better anywhere else?

Nonplus

Here today
Expect it to stay
On and on, and on...
...I'm tired -- Waltz #2, Elliott Smith

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Yesterday I didn't get much accomplished aside from securing a place to stay temporarily when I first move to California. I'm excited about that, because I'll be able to start a new life... but at the same time, I'm a little concerned. I'm not excited at all, when I stop to think about it, and I don't know why. Even though there are so many people around me who care about me, I feel lonely. I think it's because I want someone to be with. I want someone to want to be with me...

As ridiculous as it all sounds, I know; I know...
*sigh*
I've been running away from what's really important. I've been running away from God. I know that there is no happy ending down this road -- nothing truly happy, but I can't seem to make myself deviate from the broad boulevard. The Boulevard of Broken Dreams.... How poignant that old song is now.

I sit and think about all the things I've been through in this podunk town in the middle of no where ... gateway to the empty lands. I think about the people I've met, and the ones who have influenced me the most. I think about the ones that have moved away, that I've moved away from, and the ones that can't ever come back -- not in this life, anyway. Where is it that they're all pointing to? In church, we always hear about how we are supposed to be harvesters. We plant seeds and water them, and if there is already a seed there, water it some more. Do we ever stop to think that maybe as harvesters, we're no better off than those around us in the fields? Am I the harvest? Am I being tended to? Are all the people I've met leading me to something great, or something bad; sadly shedding quiet tears from a distance as they watch the choices I make, both right and wrong?

What cruel fatalism this world has placed upon its denying denizens that we all wander mindlessly through the dour empty lands without ever knowing where it is we need to go.

Lost without U -- Robin Thicke

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I'm still in Dallas, and it's nice. I told Miou that I wouldn't be able to be at her show, and that I will go with her to see it on Saturday; I told her that my dad may go see it for her, and she said that would be neat. I thought I'd be doing some more resting here in the metroplex, but my neck is killing me, so I'm ditching town tonight to go home and take some muscle relaxers; hooray for muscle relaxers. I get to be back in work tomorrow night and Saturday morning.

Notes to self:

• Write Self Statement for PCOM
• Humble Thyself
• Call Verna and ask for a place to stay :P
• Get a Macbook??
• Keep writing
• Work out you lazy bum

Lackluster Leisure

Some kind of zombie -- Audio Adrenaline

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I've been in Dallas for the past three days; since Monday evening. It's nice, because it's not home, but it's not the vacation I was looking forward too. I've spent far too much money, and I've gained far too little sleep for it to count. The first night I didn't sleep on account of my neck being screwed the day before, and I, having driven all day long, was supposed to sleep on one of the most uncomfortably unsoportive couches ever created. Tuesday night didn't go much better. Aside from the bed being more sturdy, and giving me a chance to rest my neck and back muscles, I was sleeping beside my slightly stressed father, whose wife was tucked in and still slightly incoherent in a hospital several streets away.

Bringing us to last night; I must say, yesterday was more like vacation. I actually went shopping (wherein occurs my single largest splurg in spending -- though I must admit I didn't spend half as much as I could have), even though I was by myself, and I got to nap on a real bed by myself. I spent about an hour doing that, and then dreamt for fifteen minutes off and on afterward that I was taking to the denizens of the house. Of course, I was not. Nap, then mall, and I even did some chemistry to help Jon out. I had to refresh myself, though, so it was fun, though I wish I was still in nap mode, and it was still yesterday.

Today I get to go home. Miou's "senior show" is tonight. My family and I are going to that to show that we support her, but I am definitely going home to go to bed afterward; I don't think I can stay up at all, and I need to start getting up earlier and actually working out so I can get in shape... or at least feign it, if not look it.

Speaking of which, I will leave you all now. Jon and I are supposed to go running. :p

Full Circle

A friend has asked me on more than one occasion as of late whether or not I have done any more pages of my comic "Full Circle"; regrettably, I reply that I have not, due to a lack of time. Today, I attempted to draw, and found that even though I was badly distracted, I was able to throw a few things together, regardless of my quickness to scratch them out. The only thing that remained on that paper was a crudely speed-sketched outline of a hand, and a lone, dry-Parmesan shaker, which sat on the table I didn't eat a free lunch at (long story).

Continuing on, I've come across my first few entries on this particular span of blog, back in April of 2006 to be more specific, and I was surprised to realize how far I had made my tangent. The original purpose of this blog was to openly debate my thoughts on life under the diametric soundings of good and evil, or God and Flesh (and so forth). What I've come to use this journal as is something quite the opposite. It has been more of a place for me to muse of the darker hands life has dealt me, without consideration of the lighter side of things. I admit, it is not a simple task to constantly be upward-minded, and in my present condition, I find it difficult to speak openly of God and His immaculate plans for my life when faced with my own earthly tribulations. How trite of me, yet true enough, if a little imprudent. Although, "God will bring every act to judgment, everything which is hidden, whether good or evil" [NASB Ec 12:14], and "For nothing is hidden that will not become evident, nor anything secret that will not be known and come to light" [NASB Lu 8:17]. In addition, we must observe that throughout the epistles, as if to reinforce what was said by Jesus in his time, we are reminded that the Lord sees all...

Forgive me, I feel this a heavy subject for many at this time. I, of all people, need to hear these words spoken to me. I need to accept the Sacrifice daily and remember it, and hold it dear in my heart so that I may not forget it. We are all already forgiven, but we have not yet all acknowledged it and walked in it as truth. That is the failure of Man in his Flesh.

I do not think I am able to continue this conversation from this point onward. I wish everyone a good night, and be ready to serve; listen and obey when you are called upon, and I will do the same.

What a World

Wouldn't that be a lovely headline?
Life Is... Beautiful
On the New York Times. -- Oh What a World, Rufus Wainwright

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My mother goes to Dallas on the 19th of Maaarch for a reduction. She'll be happy, because she's lived with those things her whole life, and now that she's older, she doesn't need the extra weight to carry around. As awkward as this conversation topic seems, I thought it appropriate for the song quote. I can understand people getting surgery on their chests for things like this, but I find it difficult to understand augmentations, seeing as how there is probably a perfectly good reason to have small breasts, and they still work healthily, nor cause back pain. And they'll enlarge when you have a baby more often than not, so really why bother? Ah, but I'm boob-less, so I'll leave it at that.

Anyway, I was supposed to go, and I think I want to, but my mom doesn't want to get another room with a smaller bed, because of the surgery (that way she doesn't get bumped in the night), and she asked if I could stay at Jon's. I don't know, I feel strange about all that. We'll figure it out.

A couple days ago, someone told me I was condescending. It was amazing, really. They said that everything I did, whether consciously or not, made them feel terrible and reminded them how crappy their life was. All this, of course, is not my fault, because I'm secure in my life and how it stands, and that person is obviously not. Now, not to say that I wont take a lot of what he said to heart and work on not being condescending in the future, but I'll also take my own advice, and respect what other people feel in their hearts to be true. And before I confront someone, I'll try to see it from their perspective and consider the fact that what I may be doing in that situation is exactly what I'm pointing out on them.

Just a note, I really like that new song you have, Christie. It's so pretty.

Anniversary

I'm so glad that my memory's remote
'cause I'm doing just fine
hour to hour; note to note -- Waltz #2, Elliot Smith

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This is the one year anniversary of my first month with Blogger.com

Huzzah.

With the end of February, and the beginning of a world that might more closely resemble spring, I find myself at the strange crossroads I had visited more than one time in the past.

It is a question of Identity, and more a lack of hope than anything else. Blind movement in the direction of the sunrise, but the problem is, the horizon is darkened in all directions, and paled in all directions, simultaneously.

Is this the world I was born into, or is this a failing fancy of the truth? Is this a world I cannot escape from, or is this a world that I hide in?

Enough of that. I pulled out of a photo shoot tomorrow, and for good reason. I could get them for free anyway, and I shouldn't be spending money on something I'll have to redo again sooner than not. I'm not too concerned, in truth. I should just do what I have in front of me, and not dream and reach for the apples at the top of the tree; especially when they're not ripe for the picking.