Nonplus

Here today
Expect it to stay
On and on, and on...
...I'm tired -- Waltz #2, Elliott Smith

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Yesterday I didn't get much accomplished aside from securing a place to stay temporarily when I first move to California. I'm excited about that, because I'll be able to start a new life... but at the same time, I'm a little concerned. I'm not excited at all, when I stop to think about it, and I don't know why. Even though there are so many people around me who care about me, I feel lonely. I think it's because I want someone to be with. I want someone to want to be with me...

As ridiculous as it all sounds, I know; I know...
*sigh*
I've been running away from what's really important. I've been running away from God. I know that there is no happy ending down this road -- nothing truly happy, but I can't seem to make myself deviate from the broad boulevard. The Boulevard of Broken Dreams.... How poignant that old song is now.

I sit and think about all the things I've been through in this podunk town in the middle of no where ... gateway to the empty lands. I think about the people I've met, and the ones who have influenced me the most. I think about the ones that have moved away, that I've moved away from, and the ones that can't ever come back -- not in this life, anyway. Where is it that they're all pointing to? In church, we always hear about how we are supposed to be harvesters. We plant seeds and water them, and if there is already a seed there, water it some more. Do we ever stop to think that maybe as harvesters, we're no better off than those around us in the fields? Am I the harvest? Am I being tended to? Are all the people I've met leading me to something great, or something bad; sadly shedding quiet tears from a distance as they watch the choices I make, both right and wrong?

What cruel fatalism this world has placed upon its denying denizens that we all wander mindlessly through the dour empty lands without ever knowing where it is we need to go.