These Things I've Done.

I really, really like M-FLO -- Crystal Kay loves M-FLO

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Every month I think, this will be the month that I write every day, or I'll get past a total of 9 posts this time, but I guess it's still going to be a while.

For those of you who are wondering where I've been and what I've been up to, I'll give you a little info. I'm now currently residing in San Diego trying to find my future; when people ask why I'm here, I tell them I'm looking for true love, and I have a good laugh at that. What I'm really doing is trying to find a good paying job and go to graduate school, but that doesn't seem to be working out too well at this point. I have to figure out what I need to do to have a job, or some respectable flow of income, a place to live, and how to move on in the academic/medical community. And I'm even considering -not- going to school for at least one semester...

I took a risk this past week on a job that I am not going to get, and now I've missed out on a job I could have had in my hand, and to make things somewhat worse, I keep hearing about it. I'm going to kick myself if I can't get it tomorrow when I try to go in...

Somebody pray. I think I need it.

blah

thought this was neat.

In the Waking Hours

People of the Far North, Nobuo Uematsu

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I pulled the latch and pushed the door back: it gave easily with a dull hum as it moved down its old, grimy metal track. As soon as I stepped out onto the cold wooden porch, I could feel the cool night air surrounding my body, and clinging hopefully to my warm skin. I took a deep breath as I placed my hands atop the old painted wood railing and leaned into it as I looked out at the darkened landscape around me.

Headlights flickered through the distant trees and lit up my face in flashes as they drove by what they cannot see. It doesn't seem to matter how long I spend in this place: the place I longed for as a child; one step closer to the place I yearn to call my home. It doesn't seem to matter how many hours go by, or how many people say hello, I always feel like I am in a dream; like I don't belong, or fit in, and that at any moment, I'm going to suddenly open my eyes in my darkened room back at home, the time I spent here quickly fading from my memory as I slowly realize that I had never truly left.

No matter what, I still feel as cold and distant as the night air and headlights that blindly reach out to me with no comfort to offer.

BLUE Skies

The Blue Sky can be seen if you open your Blue Umbrella -- Colors, Utada Hikaru

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I thought I'd jump out here and let you all know that things are going better since I wrote that last post. It really is a matter of how you view things, and what you let get to you. Being around this part of my family, even though we're not that close, were closer than I'd realized, and they're rubbing off on me. I'm learning to be more carefree, more loving, and more myself. Of course, it helps now that I have an Utada Hikaru CD [Ultra Blue] to listen to (though I want more [20_Jun] lol).

I still don't have a serving job. I haven't gone looking for one, but I do have a job, still, and it's getting better. I do have to say, though. Today was a little hectic; I still felt like I was in people's way, but I knew what I was doing. I just need to get better at what I can do, and then the rest will come to me; I'm sure of it!

Though, if any of you pray, please pray that I do get a serving job soon. A good one. One I can feel at home in, and not worry about how bad I might be doing, because I have a job that I know I can do.

I love you all, and hope to see you again someday
But enough of that, now; there's a life to be lived, and laundry to wash, and a gym to be gym'd, and those things don't happen on their own.

Ganbatte

favourite song right now ^^

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I've figured it out, I think.
The feeling is still the same: whenever I'm around the people here, I don't belong. I feel like I'm somewhere else. I have trouble fitting in...
I haven't been being me.

I've been so worried about what others think about me, and I swear I don't know how that started. It's a problem I've been facing for quite some time now, but it's come to a head here in California. This is the place I've wanted to be for so long; a place where I knew no one would care how you were, but I think I'd figured in my head somehow that fake people were gods here -- and a lot of them are, but if someone who would break if you dropped them on the ground is so highly praised, then how much more would a man of substance be praised, and loved? That's what I'm missing. Genuine Love.

So here I go. It's the end of a day, the end of the weekend, and the beginning of my work week, and I've got time, I've still got time to show everyone who I am. I don't have to worry about being perfect. I don't have to worry about impressing anyone, because they don't matter: what they don't like about me doesn't matter, because I'm me! So here I go.

Here I go, I'm going to show them who I am!

What My Words Fear To Say

I'm anxious, but I can't say anything. -- Final Distance, Utada Hikaru

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What is it to feel like you belong somewhere?
What is it that makes people stick together?

Living in this new place -- living with my extended family -- really hurts me in a way I didn't really expect. Being so disconnected from the things that have transpired throughout each of our individual lives has changed the way things would normally work for families. Though, I suppose it is the same way for any family when they interact with their extensions, and by that same note, it is to be expected, because my fingers know not what my heart is doing, but by the blood that is sent to and taken from them from a distance. Perhaps that was a strange analogy, but it is how it is to me. We share the same blood in this family, but there is a distance between us all.
And it hurts my heart whenever I'm around them.

I feel like I'm intruding every second of the day. I feel like I'm not wanted. I feel like I've done something wrong, and no one wants to talk about it. I feel like extra baggage. I feel like I'm intruding. I feel like I'm disappointing someone. I feel like I'm forgotten...

The world I grew up in and the world I've come to live in are different in more ways that I was preparing myself for. At the same time, the few ways I was aware of are more extreme than I had at first conceived. The people I run into are silent, rude, and selfish, as I expected, and I'm alone for the most part, again, as I expected, but the level of egocentricity -- the degree of solitude... they're devastating me, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

I know I said I would be alone. I know I said I would be happy that way; I was tired of the smile-in-your-face-stab-you-in-the-back attitude of the people I had run into and run in by for the past several years. It's all but ironic that the last people I knew before I left home were some of the best people I could have possibly been around, and before anything could have gone wrong between us on their side, I left, and Alanis Morissette could not have said it better.

Do not be misled, friends; far be it from my intention to lead you to believe that I absolutely hate the place I've found myself in. By all means, I find beautiful and interesting things here every day that keep me well and fine, and I have a great fluffy bed to sleep on, and the beach, for Heaven's sake, but there is still that lack of something I need. There is still a longing for something to fill the hole. I know that God can fill that hole, but I don't have the gusto to go after that. For that admission of truth, I feel terrible, and for the living out of said truth, I feel terrible, but still... the truth is the truth. I am making it, and I wont give up so easily.

On the other hand, I have been formally accepted into Graduate School at the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine, San Diego (the interview was something close to the most awkward discussion I've had in a while)!
But now, I must retire, for work is early and I am late to bed.

Easy Breezy ^^