Cool Morning 8_29

I didn't get a chance to post this until now... sorry.

---

I stepped out of the Guardhouse this morning into a surprisingly cool breeze. It carried the aroma of the freshly cleaned greenery and earth to my face, and caressed it gently, like a mother’s hand. It was already eleven o’clock, but there was no heat. Stepping around the backyard of the Manor, I made my way to the front door. The chiming of the bells in the university tower across the street reached my ears. Each ring seemed to lift my soul like a gay child tugging me along to play, and running about my feet in laughter. I can hardly believe this is real, and all I wish for is to sit and consume this glorious morning the Lord has provided for me; for all of us.

The sky is clear; it is a clear blue I have not remembered seeing since I was younger. The way it compliments the coolness of the air almost screams out in joyous ecstasy. It is days like this I live for; days like this bring my heart to the surface, and I could cry for joy to be allowed to just sit in reverence of it all. Is this what Heaven is like? Does it feel like this? I can only hope. It is the coolness, like fresh water from a brook on tired faces, that stirs my spirit so. It is like His Spirit. It is an answered prayer for cleanliness, and the reply to praises and supplications. Bless Him; praise Him forever for what He has done.

And It Fades Away

I've got a wound that doesn't heal
[I'm] burning out again, burning out agian
I'm not sure which of me is real
I'm alone again, burning out again.... -- switchfoot

---

I'm home from my three-day vacation in Dallas, and I feel strange. I pulled into town at about 7:50pm tonight; the sun was still lighting the sky in that dim blue way, and it had rained -- hard. The gas in the car wasn't enough, and just when we were less than a mile from the house where everything would stop, the car did just that. I jumped out and started pushing with the help of my friend's sister. We got it through the underpass and the subsequent lighted intersection, but we were struggling just after that. BMW's are really heavy cars, for all of you who don't know, and I had totally forgotten the first time I had tried to push it -- uphill. Luckily, God answered a prayer from the sister rather quickly by sending us three military men who helped us push the car back towards the gas station (we had to push a fast U-turn and get it in the parking lot), and then bought us $2 of gas, for which we were all very thankful. Her prayer had been to make it home, and that got us there.

I jumped in my car after gathering my belongings, and began to make my way home to the Manor and the Guardhouse. I called Ry, and he was hanging out with some people. I called Molliver, and he was going to a dance. I called Kyte, and he didn't answer. So I just went home.

I saw Jaims and Jen and they were happy to see me, in a way, I'd suppose. Jaims was asleep and she needed rest, so I didn't stay her company too long; Jen was doing something with her mother, and Jenn was there, too, so we hugged. Dunny, Caroline, Kona, and N got out of the car when I was walking back to the Guardhouse to shower and rest, and they said hey and went inside. One consolation was that Jaims said Ry had called and told Jaims I was home and they should hang out with me.

But I had to clean the house before I took a shower, or I would not be happy -- and this room is somewhat spotless, and I'm proud of myself. I left the living room for the other guys; it's not right that I should come home to a horrible mess, anyway, it's just stressful. When I finally got done and showered, and interneted, I went over to the Manor to find Kyte sitting in the living area on his computer. I said hey and asked why he didn't call me. He pulled out his phone and said it had one missed call. I shrugged, and hugged him; I told him I loved him and missed him, and he was distant.

Everyone got together to Salsa, but first just sat around worshiping. It was nice, and it made me feel better, but then the Salsa music came and we danced, and I just felt... different. I'm tired, and I don't like to be around crazy people when I'm tired: they look at me strange. After a bit, Ry came home with two other people, and I hugged him, but it felt awkward.

I don't know how to explain it, but he tried to ask me how I was and smile and stuff, but things are just awkward.

"How was the trip?"
"It sucked," I shook my head, and then held it in my hands as I stood there; my hands pressed into my face and then back across my ears in frustration, and I sighed. "I mean, I had fun, but... I just did not want to be there."
"I knew as much," he nodded; "I'm not surprised, you shouldn't have gone." He started to walk out of the kitchen, and I followed.
"What was I supposed to do?"
"I know, right?" He led us back to the dance hall, "Keep your word, I guess." -- And my mind raced back to when we talked the night before on the phone... He doesn't like the guy too much, and I feel a little remorse for that, but then agian, I found out I didn't really like him when things got going earlier this week.

I walked out of that room at one point a little later, and the smile faded away -- too quickly for me to realize that there was something else in the air, but I knew something was wrong. I stayed over there as long as I could, but I had to leave, and now I sit in the room I cleaned for myself, and I'm alone.

"Scraping Paper to Document..."

I remember when the days were long, and the nights when the living room was on the lawn...-- Photobooth, Death Cab for Cutie [the DCfC Forbid]

---

For the past bit of time, I've been feeling like I shouldn't belong where I do. Well... that's now how I've felt it was, anyway. I had been thrown into some sort of cataclysm: a chorus of creaking clockwork named Calamity...

But, in reality, there was no problem but mine own. I was where I was supposed to be, and in fact, I am still in a place that is probably better than any other place I had yet found myself in. Was it my own flesh fighting to flee the scene, seeking for a false freedom? I could see that, I consider that, I can accept it, too. You see, I'm not totally heartless as some people would lead you to believe. I've got my conscious still with one foot in the pool of goodness, but it becomes ever harder to stay its place.

With a sour turn of events from one week to another, a rise in the amount of money that has to leave my pocket, and a surprise death I was not informed of, Tuesday night and Wednesday morning transformed into two horrible monsters. And this trip to Dallas that I had been so keen on taking just to get away, became something I felt dragged into. And now, here I am, in a hotel room in northwest Dallas. It's nice to get away, but I feel I should be home. And I've not enough money to be doing the things that I am doing, and I feel a slight pressure over it all. Sure, to be honest, I don't feel as free as I thought I would. It's nice to sleep in a cold room, with a shower that's high enough for me to stand under (though I do miss the high pressure), and a bed that's clean and all my own, but...

But I feel wrong. As for the money situation, God has been helping me out a lot; a lot of things have been happening that have gained me a beautiful hand at work lately. There still exist flaws to my disadvantage, but how I take on those challenges is what will be interresting to watch. And money isn't really a problem if I manage to save and deposit it when I get the chance (as soon as I get the chance. So be in prayer that I can get some more shifts this weekend, because I only have one in the coming week, and that scares me.

There's the Door

He opened his eyes. How long had he been sitting there, or laying there, in that half-light that streamed into the room through the doorless frame? He could see the blue sky, and though intense, it wasn't strong, but it still hurt his eyes. The horizon covered in a forest beyond a golden field that began right at the foot of the porch steps. How long had he been there? How long had that been waiting for him? Hadn't he once stepped up to the landing and gazed in more directions at the beauty of it all? Had he not once known how to step outside the boundaries of this lean-to lie?
How long had it been?

---

Clack clack clack. It rings in my ears, and in my sleep, and not at all: the chain that hits the fan in the bedroom as it shakes back and forth. Sunlight pours in through one unforgiving window, its crimson curtain taken down to be used for a bedsheet; the light warming my hands as I type on the keyboard. Outside the heat is unrelenting and the clouds are few and far between, but the world goes on in this strange weather. Perhaps it is the weather that is inside, inside my house, inside my heart, that people should wonder...

"Are you sad?" It was a question from way out in left field, but as soon as it was asked, I felt a melting. I considered it for some time before answering, and during that space, she justified her asking: "It just seems like you're sad. Are you? If you're not, I was just wondering, but it seems that way."
"I think," I took a breath, "I think I've been sad for so long that I just don't remember it. I've gotten used to being this way all the time." And it hurt in a way to admit to only living in varying degrees of sadness; that I've spent so much time wallowing in it that I had not had time for joy.

At the same moment, in the hallway, on the pew, staring up through the bannister at the three posters that lined the wall ("Lord" -- the word, large, in front of my face), it was all somehow liberating. As though I was told there was an exit, though no one ever said anything of the sort. I find it a strange comfort to know where I am. If only I had the strength of my own to get back to where I should be. But thankfully, there is a God who is strong. As much as it hurts me to admit it, I hate to say that, because it sounds so dumb. And that admission only reveals to us all how little faith I have... how twisted hope has become for me. It is with a still bitter tongue I thank those who've had a disparaging hand in my delicate downfall. In reality, that bitterness is able to be abolished as well, but I, as of yet, have not found the desire, nor the means by which I am able to do so. God help me in that I may be able to rid it before it clings so unwelcoming to my sould and roots itself too deep in my already broken heart.

One Week Left

My parents bought me a mortar and pestle. I was very excited.

I wonder sometimes why I stay where I am at these days. It's nothing bad, I promise; I like it all. A lot, but I have problems with certain feelings... Sometimes I just want to be alone, but still feel loved, and when you're alone, then you can't feel that way. *shrug* I just thought I'd say something about it. I've got a lot to write about, I just don't feel like venting it out right now. And my eyes feel wierd... I just want to sleep, I think.

School starts soon...

Training Trials and Triumphs

I will go down with this ship, and I won't put my hands up and surrender --dido

---

You’re in the next group.

Oh… ok.

I shrugged, but even then I couldn’t ward off my curiosity as to why. What made them think that I was fine with just being pushed off? I sought my manager out again to ask him why.

I just want to know why I was in the next one.

Well we had to break it down into groups so that not everyone is away from work at the same time.

Who is in this first one?

He listed about three before I cut him off.

I know she is a great trainer and all, but I’ve been waiting longer than she.
It irritated me to have to give an account of my time spent waiting to be certified at work.

Really? I’ll have to see…

Things like this that really make me want to quit. I don’t have time for this make-believe. Next thing you know, though, I’ve got a letter of congratulations waiting for me at the front door when I enter work next. It informs me that I am being certified as an official server trainer on Monday, and it asks that I arrive at the selected place at the listed time… in other words, I caught them at their game, and they couldn’t get out of it this round.

Although, I admit that I hate playing this. I’m tired; not only physically, but mentally.

I don’t normally like to complain about things like this…. Or perhaps I’m trying not to on this thing as much as normal, but this is something I can’t really ignore well enough.

I Got New Glasses

"Maybe this year Love will appear deeper than ever before"-- a Christmas song

---

So I got my new glasses. That means a new way to see... a healthier way to see. I will get new perscription sunglasses later, too, and then hopefully a picture posted as well.

As with all things that live, there is a definite life cycle. You can see this phenomenon in anything from food to animals, and even on the earth itself -- though the earth renews itself at a different pace, it doesn't just die; maybe we should look into learning from that.

As humans, living animals, we go through change all the time. There is a definite life cycle in progress from the time we are born to the time we die. It is a process not only found in our physical bodies, but also in our spiritual ones as well. Along with this process there are many dangers to be faced. One of which is stagnation. In the spiritual sense, stagnation would occur as the result of some misdirection of energies, stopping their movement between God and man. They lay wasted, off to the side, in some pool of disembodied hope and false love. What do we have to say for things like this? Perhaps the words anti-depressant, psychotherapy, counselling, electroshock-therapy, or jail sound familiar to you? These words are what man has created as a cure, but these do not cure what is missing, and that is the Love of God.

Not just any love will do, you see, but it is the crippling need for God's Love, a Love that never fails and is always True, that creates these stagnations. They do not happen on their own, no. It is deception by the enemy that causes such events, such dams in the river of life which connects us to our Creator. 'One little shortcut here will help you out,' he says sweetly; 'You do not need this,' or 'Only you can help this person out; only you have the power to save them from themselves.' And it is a lie similar, or the very same, that constricts our flow. Maybe not at first, for within the things whispered to us -- save the first listed among a few left out -- one can see that these are truly innocent, honest and meaningful desires. Perverted in anyway by the devil and, though it be left unsaid here, we know, it will always go awry.

I write these things not for you; not so that I can say to you, "Listen, and learn." No, me, I write these things for me; that I may know and learn and listen and grow. And if you happen across these things, and you do read it, please keep me and those around me in prayer. Please ask that the lies of the enemy be erased from my fragile frame, and that I am given strength for going forward, and ever upward.

"It Peaked."

"I can't fight this feeling any longer" -- some old love song *barf*

---

So I mentioned in my last entry how I couldn't understand why I felt alone yesterday, and I had no intention of anything getting out about it, but in a clippy conversation with Ry about the facts of life and who we are, it did. The strange thing is that he was feeling the same thing yesterday. It was some small comfort to know that Ry knew what I was talking about. Also, suffice it to say, Kyte and I had a small arguement that turned into something huge, but in the end it was just another angle on the same affect. Moliver, while I do not know what his stance was, was perceptive enough, and wise enough -- praise the Lord, to make the first intercession; one between Kyte and myself.

With the first overflow of the strange feeling said and done with, we all headed inside to go to bed, but it wasn't long before the next stage of this unseen battle began...
All of us were in our places, and for some reason I felt a tinge of desire; one I hadn't felt in quite some time. "Hey," I said, sitting up on my pallet, "How about whenever we part ways for the night, or go to bed, we pray?" I received a general sort of concurrence, and after several moments, we did pray. Me, Ry, Moliver, Kyte, in that order, and when Kyte prayed, I started to see strange things.

Now, I find it important for me to disclose the fact that I have been seeing strange things lately. Lights, visions, people out of the corner of my eye; the last of these being something I haven't seen in a long time (I'll not be surprised when the shadows return, Jon), and it wasn't the last of the honest list. As Kyte prayed, I felt strange, and I saw several flames like cupped candles form a lowercase b again and again, and when I shrugged it out of my mind, it did it again. Then I saw a wave of these lights pass by me, radiating out in a circle, and growing in number and intensity. When they passed, I looked down and saw these lights forming an elaborate box-cross. Another wave passed me, and I saw the cross again from another height, and I saw lights further out towards the darkened horizon. I felt lowered, I felt lifted, and then lowered again.

When I first saw these things, I thought of Brady, and it worried me, but I know that it may symbolize something good to come of something humanly bad. I'll just have to keep it in prayer. Moving on, though, when we finished praying, I mentioned it, and then we noticed the strength of the enemy pressing in all around us, and we prayed, and prayed, and then when we felt we were unable to do it, and fear was conquering us, we went to the girls, and they prayed with us.
The enemy is moving; we must, too.

I Got to Thinking

"Crazy, how I feel sometimes..." -- at least I think that's how that DMB song goes...

---

I was driving down the road from North to South today, enjoying the actually cool summer night breeze rushing over my arm. The strange part about it all was when I was looking up, it was a cold winter night sky that stared blankly down at me -- lit brightly by a 7/10 moon. [As a side note, yes sometimes I do get rediculously specific, but I feel it is important to do so -- a 7/10 moon is entirely different than a 3/4 moon, or a 4/5 moon]. At any rate, as I found I have wandered off on some sort of tanget, though thoroughly preconcieved, it just struck me as odd...

Times are strange, and I'm stranger still. I have felt alone today, and I've not a reason in the world for it. *sigh* ...
Typing on this keyboard is somewhat of a talent... *glances at the missing keys: u,i,9,],\*...

Days Go By

I've been ... well, busy, I guess you could say. First off, I want to point out that I don't have a cell anymore... it's broken. My bad. Today was it's unofficial-official death, and I it's murderer; guilty as charged (no pun intended). See, the "end/power" button on my phone stopped working after I chunked it across starbucks about five days ago. Today I took my battery out to look inside it (there was nothing, but we were talking about SimCards, and I wanted to see if I had one again -- I don't), but my phone turned off, obviously, and I forgot it wouldn't turn back on. So now begins the great adventure of phonelessism.

I've been hanging out with Ryan, Matt, Amanda, Erin, Caroline, Kyle, and anyone else who stops by lately. Rather, anyone who stops by the girls' house. So yeah. Thought I'd throw that update out there. I gotta go to work, though. Bye!