Doctor Who

You could be happy,
And I won't know... -- You Could Be Happy, Snow Patrol

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It's Christmas. It's a warmer Christmas than it's been in years, and, I think, if I search my memory as hard as I can, I can't even recall when it has ever been as warm as it has.

I can remember, as a child, wishing every year for a White Christmas, and only getting one perhaps three times. Other years, the snow would come too early, or too late. This year, it came around Thanksgiving, and then left, and then came the heat. It feels like early June... but that's beside the point;
It's remembering that I want to discuss...

My brother and I got into a conversation on the way home from Miou's family home today... and when we pulled under the carport at our parents' temporary apartment -- they are buying a new home, and in transition -- a strange moment from our past arose, and it was just a memory. Perhaps it had died and had since then been estranged from my mind, but the event always remained there, and the only thing I ever saw was the beginning, like a preface to a book, or the advertisement of a new movie -- just a glimpse, and then gone, as if there was nothing more to be seen, or nothing I was interested in. Until he said something I thought odd, a bit of memory I had blocked out somehow, and in those few seconds, underneath the carport -- in those few words, those questions of why and why not -- I was dragged back into a memory I had completely erased from my mind.

I was transformed into some strange emotional being, forced to relive the feelings I had long since erased and strongly, if subconsciously, denied ever existed in my childhood... It was terrible.
I had always heard stories of people who had been brought to unlock past memories, and of the wide range of reactions to such an event. After years of thinking, and learning new things about my family and myself, which I had never been given a chance to learn before, I knew that there was something from my past I had never gotten over, and there were old habits I had broken without ever having known their original roots. And now I do, and I grew scared, and my brother saved me from myself, and saved me from God-knows-what, just by being there...

I still feel fragile from that event, and it happened while my mother and my father and Miou and her younger sister were waiting for us to accompany them for Christmas dinner inside... but I felt I would feel better still if I could write it out. It's not complete... I don't yet have the strength to write down the rest of my feelings on the subject, or the events that passed after it, or before it, or the previously hidden event itself, but that will come in time, probably....

I love my brother, more than ever, and I know I've never truly hated him, and I feel remorse for those poisonous words I've let leak from my mouth; God erase them from my history. He and I both believe in forgetting the past and building a new and better future, starting today. I hope I may I shall begin anew, and, now, knowing what I already knew, yet had forgotten, will continue to be this new person I've become and remember where I've come from.