Somehow

I never knew that everyone I knew was waiting on a cue to turn and run,
when all I needed was the truth -- Over My Head (Cable Car), The Fray

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I think it will be okay. I hear from Miou that she and my brother just want me to do what I feel is right for me. They want me to be okay, and they both spoke with me about it. They gave me comprehensive ears, and sound advice -- two things I greatly appreciate, respect, and admire -- just as mom and dad did, even though tears fell freely as I listened. I can't say I have ever gotten along with Josh that much.
And then I regret making my decision to go home.

So who knows about it, now? Not many. Mom, Dad, Miou, Josh... you oh-so-avid rabid-readers. That's really it... unless the school has figured out that I'm not attending. I played a truant on my first day of classes. Not shaping up to be a very good student, am I? Though, they're not very good admins, are they? Oh, and my room-mate, but I don't even know what his real name is. I forgot it... his and his wife's. But it was only told to me once. Anyway, he just wants me to keep him informed, and he's sorry that things are so rough.

It's good to know that I have such support, but I'm back to the drawing board again, and I still don't know up from down. I still don't know if I should stay or go.... I think I'll stay. I think I'll go. I want to go. I want to stay. I want to leave and go home to where the clouds are large and comforting. I want to stay where the sun always smiles down, if a little overbearing at times, and the waves always dance ............

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I just spoke with my parents. I made it final; Luis called just as I was finishing with my parents, and I told him, and decided I would tell Toya tomorrow morning. It seems like this is how it's supposed to be. And you know what, I already feel better. Sure, I've got a lot of things to do before I go, but I can start relaxing, and treating this like a vacation. I think it will be nice to go home to a place that I know I belong, no matter what. And even though it's strange to hear myself saying that -- that I belong in that strangely indifferent Bible-land -- I know it's true. And truth is what everyone needs the most.

Strangely light-hearted, but sadly aware that I'm leaving behind a part of me that I may never get back, I believe in the possibility for greater things. And I love you all. And I know you all love me, in your own ways. I spread my arms, not in waiting for you to fill them, but in an openness that can only be for you to come and share this release with me.