Fever Dream

it turns out i don't work tonight. huzzah. what shall i do? maybe go work out, because i know i need to *pokes fat* ;p. work in a few pictures in photoshop. practicar guitar. read the bible, pray, worship. there's a lot. i could go up to school and see if they'll let me have the schedule i want. ... well... haha. i could. -- myspace blog

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I was just wandering around town earlier. Scratch that. I was driving out to the DH to lift some weights. My mind was wandering. It has been doing that a lot lately. It seems I've found myself in an interesting place. As time has gone by, I've grown older in years, and I've learned a few new tricks, but I've lost what it really meant to be me. I've lost what really matters. Love.

It's not just me. I think a lot of people have lost it. But how I envy those who still have it. I am jealous, in that I wish I could feel it, too. Sure, there are people around me who show me things, and smile when I'm there, but it's when I'm not there that things go south. It is the fact that I've found myself in league with people who don't do things for their friends -- for the ones who've done things for them. It is the fact that I've found myself distant with the ones I had first fallen in love with; I think that breaks my heart the most.

I can admit that people change. I've done it; others do it, too. Once I was asked if I had any regrets. I couldn't be sure at the time. By no means did I deny that I had any, and so instead claimed an unknown many. Now I remember why I've been sad. I regret that I've had such problems with God. I regret that I'd walked away from the Church two years ago. I regret that prior to that I slowly and quietly edged farther away from the people who really did care.
The distance that connects us brings me to tears when I think on it, and those tears come spilling over when I realize that it was my fault; that I did nothing to prevent it, and instead urged its occurence.

People cannot live in the past. It is from the past that we learn, and build today for the future. It is in worrying for the future, and wallowing for the past that Man finds his demise. But what have we of the time that is called Today?
"Encourage each other day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin..." [Heb.3.13|NASB]
Are we not meant to be Lovers? And even those who love still pine for its return.

I long for a friend who is by my side as I am by his. Loyal, and honest. Caring and true. A Jonathan for a David.