Countdown

Arrigato to kimi ni iwareru to nandaka setsunai
Sayonara no ato no tokenu mahou awaku horonigai
The flavor of life -- Flavor of Life, Utada Hikaru

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In 5 days I will be in a home that isn't this one. I'll be free from the bonds that tie me here, and willingly sit down to new constrictions. I'll admit, there are some freedoms in this house that I enjoy, and I'll be sure to make the most of them in the upcoming days which I have left, but I'll be glad to be in a home where I wont feel bad for using things like food and the t.v.

I still have work situations to deal with, so please, keep a helpful thought in your mind for me if you get the chance... a.k.a. pray for me, please!

Closer

I want to be with you now -- Final Distance, Utada Hikaru

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I finally found a place to live, and though it's not the best place, and it's a little shifty, it's home, and it's not here, where I am now... There are only a few days until I move in there, and I'll keep my eye out for another job, too, but we'll see how that goes...

School starts soon... I've gotta buy books.
And I somehow feel alone, again, after all this, and after all the friends I'm making, I still don't see a change.

I broke down and cried the other day. Cried; can you believe it? Sometimes I have felt that it was something that needed to happen, but I could never bring myself to do it, and then, while I was on the phone with my mother, it just happened. And I was relieved in a way. I was glad to be rid of those feelings building up inside of me with no place to go. I was glad to let it out, and I think my mother understands. I feel lighter, now, but empty. I didn't feel immediately better, though, when it happened, but I think it's growing on me. It's the way of things here.

I miss the skies in Texas. I miss the clouds, the ever-changing weather made me feel more secure about my consistent one-track life. But...

One day at a time, I guess, right? I'm closer now, to where I need to be, and I think that's a good thing. One step closer; one day at a time...

Another Month

All around me are familiar faces; worn out places; worn out faces.
Riding early for the Daily Races; going no where, going no where... -- Mad World, Gary Jules, et al.

And here we are in the middle of that month already, and not one post, yet! It seems I cannot find a suitable means of escape from the minor-number-post issue per month I've got going for myself.

At any rate, I decided to take some personal time out of getting ready and rushing out the door for work to let you all know that I'm 1)yes, still alive, and 2)actually going to college, but 3)I haven't find a place to live -- I'm going to lose mine in about 2 weeks time.

There is so much I have to say on that subject, but so little ways for me to do so. The tension in this house... it's finally gone, and the only thing left is the undeniable cloud that hangs over the back of my mind; I try not to let that get to me, though, because I know that I should be alright... Suffice it to say, I have had all of my questions answered, and my suspicious proved correct the night before they left, which was in fact, the night before last.... Though, I cannot lead my reader astray, I know not what to do now about it, nor how I truly feel over the situation. Such strange fancies continue to run though my head over what I should do next... I don't have the time to get into this right now, however.

I just finished the last of the 7 Books last night, and was elated to find it over with. Perhaps I'll be able to write more on it tonight when I get home.... Perhaps; I should like that very much.

These Things I've Done.

I really, really like M-FLO -- Crystal Kay loves M-FLO

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Every month I think, this will be the month that I write every day, or I'll get past a total of 9 posts this time, but I guess it's still going to be a while.

For those of you who are wondering where I've been and what I've been up to, I'll give you a little info. I'm now currently residing in San Diego trying to find my future; when people ask why I'm here, I tell them I'm looking for true love, and I have a good laugh at that. What I'm really doing is trying to find a good paying job and go to graduate school, but that doesn't seem to be working out too well at this point. I have to figure out what I need to do to have a job, or some respectable flow of income, a place to live, and how to move on in the academic/medical community. And I'm even considering -not- going to school for at least one semester...

I took a risk this past week on a job that I am not going to get, and now I've missed out on a job I could have had in my hand, and to make things somewhat worse, I keep hearing about it. I'm going to kick myself if I can't get it tomorrow when I try to go in...

Somebody pray. I think I need it.

blah

thought this was neat.

In the Waking Hours

People of the Far North, Nobuo Uematsu

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I pulled the latch and pushed the door back: it gave easily with a dull hum as it moved down its old, grimy metal track. As soon as I stepped out onto the cold wooden porch, I could feel the cool night air surrounding my body, and clinging hopefully to my warm skin. I took a deep breath as I placed my hands atop the old painted wood railing and leaned into it as I looked out at the darkened landscape around me.

Headlights flickered through the distant trees and lit up my face in flashes as they drove by what they cannot see. It doesn't seem to matter how long I spend in this place: the place I longed for as a child; one step closer to the place I yearn to call my home. It doesn't seem to matter how many hours go by, or how many people say hello, I always feel like I am in a dream; like I don't belong, or fit in, and that at any moment, I'm going to suddenly open my eyes in my darkened room back at home, the time I spent here quickly fading from my memory as I slowly realize that I had never truly left.

No matter what, I still feel as cold and distant as the night air and headlights that blindly reach out to me with no comfort to offer.

BLUE Skies

The Blue Sky can be seen if you open your Blue Umbrella -- Colors, Utada Hikaru

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I thought I'd jump out here and let you all know that things are going better since I wrote that last post. It really is a matter of how you view things, and what you let get to you. Being around this part of my family, even though we're not that close, were closer than I'd realized, and they're rubbing off on me. I'm learning to be more carefree, more loving, and more myself. Of course, it helps now that I have an Utada Hikaru CD [Ultra Blue] to listen to (though I want more [20_Jun] lol).

I still don't have a serving job. I haven't gone looking for one, but I do have a job, still, and it's getting better. I do have to say, though. Today was a little hectic; I still felt like I was in people's way, but I knew what I was doing. I just need to get better at what I can do, and then the rest will come to me; I'm sure of it!

Though, if any of you pray, please pray that I do get a serving job soon. A good one. One I can feel at home in, and not worry about how bad I might be doing, because I have a job that I know I can do.

I love you all, and hope to see you again someday
But enough of that, now; there's a life to be lived, and laundry to wash, and a gym to be gym'd, and those things don't happen on their own.