It's Snowing Now

I wont give up on what feels right...
If you see these tears filling my eyes -- it's just the wind that makes me cry;
If you could feel this pain inside -- it's from the drinks we drank last night... -- The Drinks We Drank Last Night, Azure Ray

---

It's snowing outside now. How fickle the weather has been only seems an echoing to the turmoil that has been raging inside my body for quite nearly the past month. And while the white flurries that swirl around the landscape bring chills to my bare skin, I somehow find them comforting. There's a warmth emanating from them that I cannot find anywhere else,and, I think, it's that empathy we share -- the snow and I, that has had more affect on my trembling heart than anyone else.

If at any time any one person finds his- or herself capable of pausing and carefully and correctly analyzing the life he or she leads, and then from that perform the proper procedures to ensuring that life continues, or moves toward something better, then I suppose there is hope left for me.
I think I might be able to do that. I think that, perhaps, there is a chance that I might be able to recover from this without losing more of who I am as a person, and what I've gained in the past year.

There are people here who love me, and there are people here whom I love, and want nothing more than for them to be happy, and for me to be with them... and for me to be wanted and appreciated. There are things I had left behind when I moved to San Diego; things I had not been aware of. Love; more than love.... And I still wonder if I'm worth that. Having been in San Diego on my own, I learned how to be alone. I worked all morning, and sat by myself in the afternoons until I fell asleep before the sun could set. I knew people, I enjoyed the time I had at work, and the few times I had gone out with co-workers, but I never felt like I truly belonged, and so I made myself belong where I was. It was easier, and I think it still is, for me to be alone. For me to be somewhere on my own was far better than to be surrounded by people with whom I felt no connection. I believe I began to feel this sort of thing last spring, but I was far too busy thinking about the times ahead of me, in the golden life of the Garden State, to worry about or even notice it was happening. Perhaps it is a curse I've picked up from a time ago when I had loved and lost in the early months of the year, and I've let it follow me around...

I can't say I've had a bad life since Nicholas passed away, but it hasn't been the best, either. Perhaps that's being a little too down on myself, yet perhaps its the closest analysis that I can offer to being correct: nothing too bad; nothing too good. And that's the way it's been. People have come and gone in my life far too much. I can't begin to speak the words of my gratitude concerning Jon and Kiger, and even Michael and Jen and their kids. And of course, Christie. However, being apart from these few and being forced to move on and function is something that I don't believe any of us were trained or prepared for...

And it's snowing now. Just like my thoughts, the flurries will pick up what they've set down and move on to another place... but perhaps I will be able to finish what I've tried to say here. And then you can understand why my heart hurts so.