And It Fades Away

I've got a wound that doesn't heal
[I'm] burning out again, burning out agian
I'm not sure which of me is real
I'm alone again, burning out again.... -- switchfoot

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I'm home from my three-day vacation in Dallas, and I feel strange. I pulled into town at about 7:50pm tonight; the sun was still lighting the sky in that dim blue way, and it had rained -- hard. The gas in the car wasn't enough, and just when we were less than a mile from the house where everything would stop, the car did just that. I jumped out and started pushing with the help of my friend's sister. We got it through the underpass and the subsequent lighted intersection, but we were struggling just after that. BMW's are really heavy cars, for all of you who don't know, and I had totally forgotten the first time I had tried to push it -- uphill. Luckily, God answered a prayer from the sister rather quickly by sending us three military men who helped us push the car back towards the gas station (we had to push a fast U-turn and get it in the parking lot), and then bought us $2 of gas, for which we were all very thankful. Her prayer had been to make it home, and that got us there.

I jumped in my car after gathering my belongings, and began to make my way home to the Manor and the Guardhouse. I called Ry, and he was hanging out with some people. I called Molliver, and he was going to a dance. I called Kyte, and he didn't answer. So I just went home.

I saw Jaims and Jen and they were happy to see me, in a way, I'd suppose. Jaims was asleep and she needed rest, so I didn't stay her company too long; Jen was doing something with her mother, and Jenn was there, too, so we hugged. Dunny, Caroline, Kona, and N got out of the car when I was walking back to the Guardhouse to shower and rest, and they said hey and went inside. One consolation was that Jaims said Ry had called and told Jaims I was home and they should hang out with me.

But I had to clean the house before I took a shower, or I would not be happy -- and this room is somewhat spotless, and I'm proud of myself. I left the living room for the other guys; it's not right that I should come home to a horrible mess, anyway, it's just stressful. When I finally got done and showered, and interneted, I went over to the Manor to find Kyte sitting in the living area on his computer. I said hey and asked why he didn't call me. He pulled out his phone and said it had one missed call. I shrugged, and hugged him; I told him I loved him and missed him, and he was distant.

Everyone got together to Salsa, but first just sat around worshiping. It was nice, and it made me feel better, but then the Salsa music came and we danced, and I just felt... different. I'm tired, and I don't like to be around crazy people when I'm tired: they look at me strange. After a bit, Ry came home with two other people, and I hugged him, but it felt awkward.

I don't know how to explain it, but he tried to ask me how I was and smile and stuff, but things are just awkward.

"How was the trip?"
"It sucked," I shook my head, and then held it in my hands as I stood there; my hands pressed into my face and then back across my ears in frustration, and I sighed. "I mean, I had fun, but... I just did not want to be there."
"I knew as much," he nodded; "I'm not surprised, you shouldn't have gone." He started to walk out of the kitchen, and I followed.
"What was I supposed to do?"
"I know, right?" He led us back to the dance hall, "Keep your word, I guess." -- And my mind raced back to when we talked the night before on the phone... He doesn't like the guy too much, and I feel a little remorse for that, but then agian, I found out I didn't really like him when things got going earlier this week.

I walked out of that room at one point a little later, and the smile faded away -- too quickly for me to realize that there was something else in the air, but I knew something was wrong. I stayed over there as long as I could, but I had to leave, and now I sit in the room I cleaned for myself, and I'm alone.