Doors

Right under my feet is air made of bricks -- Melt My Heart to Stone, Adele

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I had made my decision, and I knew it wouldn't be pretty the next day. After not sleeping enough, I got myself up and got to work on time and did the whole "cheery work kid" ordeal. It wasn't so hard, mostly because I was feeling better about how things were about to be going, but before I got done with work that day, the girl came through and I didn't even look at her hardly at all. She got the picture. I didn't say anything mean, and I didn't glare at her, I just didn't acknowledge her more than for someone I didn't know, and it was hard, and it hurt, and it was exactly the sort of thing I had been avoiding for so long.

It occurred to me then that I hadn't quite decided how to go about this new change in my life. Sure, when something like this happens, the original reaction is just to separate yourself from it all, and not have contact with anyone. That makes sense, but what if you can't? And that's how it was.

It came to the point where I went home and did all the chores I had to do and then went back up to work to give some scarves to a co-worker for Christmas, and she was there again. In the silent spaces when we were left alone, she looked at me and lit a cigarette.
"Hey," she said cautiously, "are you okay?"
I grunted noncommitally.
"Are you... mad at me?" She said the last words slowly, and I was shocked to hear there was a sort of fear in her voice as they came out. I turned my gaze toward her for the first time, and looked her in the eyes.
"Since you're asking: Yes, I am."
And we entered into the conversation where she made her point, and I mine. She apologised for having such bad timing, but was glad she was a catalyst for such a change in my life. At the same time, she didn't want to go down on the wrong side, because she felt she didn't deserve to be cut down with the rest of them. I told her she was right, and after all I had said in the previous blog, I couldn't help but think about all the instances in which she'd proved herself to me as a wonderful close friend over and over. The problem was, and I told her so, I couldn't manage to separate her from the event, and I really didn't want to lose her at all. Well, in the end we both gave our apologies, and I invited her to hang out with Itz and myself that night. She said okay, and we went on as though nothing had changed.

I'm still not sure how this is all going to go about, but I do know who is to be there after it is all said and done. At any rate, wish me luck.