This Could Be A Brand New Start

And I thought,
Be still my heart,
This could be a brand new start... -- Be Still My Heart, The Postal Service

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I've had a long day. I've been up for the past 16+ hours. I'm happy to report, though, that as soon as I got done with a few things that I found after work, I went straight home and passed out on the couch for about an hour. It was hard to rouse myself from that, and do some more work-related things, but once I got off the couch, I found I could move about more easily, and I turned on some of Bourdain (whom I love), and I got to work on studying up on some of the things I've got to learn for work. I felt pretty accomplished, and even set about writing down some new ideas for my book I've been working on, and hopefully that will all hit paper within the next day or so.

I'm not too excited about tomorrow, but I think it could go by fast. Another 4am-er, and then I get to run to my old apt and pack up a few things. I think books and clothes should be good for this trip. That will make me feel more accomplished for Saturday's (hopefully) final move of everything I've got. My parent's won't be too happy or supportive of the action (they're Seventh Day Adventists), but I've got to get to work on this. Well, actually, I do need their help, so I might just wait on that whole part. It would be nice though... at any rate, I think I'll at least get finished moving the spare articles and discovering more of myself along the way.

I've decided to do some soul searching, as per the title of this new entry. It started about a week or so ago when I realised that for not the first time in my life, I'm having trouble putting myself at the forefront of... well, my life. I wasn't quite sure what to do about it, and just for that reason I sank into a mild depression. No, nothing severe enough to lose weight over (damnit), but severe enough that it has shook my foundations of belief again. I think this sort of thing will keep happening until I'm where I'm supposed to be and am finally okay with who I am as a person. It's nothing serious, and I think it's actually quite beneficial and healthy, especially since it doesn't happen all that often. Anyway, on to the point: I've decided to perform a sort of "slash and burn" of my relationships and rearrange what I do. I've been sort of talking to my friend Sarah about it all, and she's been there when she could, which is nice. I've also had some intriguing input from my brother, and from a random acquaintance-might-soon-be-friend who comes into my work a lot (she's so sweet: Camila).

This all ties together like this:
I was finishing up my work studies when I got this text message from a girl about how she's going to have a yard sale with a mutual friend this Saturday, and she wanted to know if she could borrow my tables (the ones we use at art walk). I was shocked at myself at how angry I was over this message. It's innocent enough, really, but when she told me she was going to have a yard sale with a different mutual friend in the past, I told her I would love to contribute, and that we needed to do it soon. That was a month ago, and every time I asked her, she just said she didn't know when it would happen and that she needed to get to work on that. Well, here we are several weeks later and she's having one with someone else right out of the blue, and doesn't even ask me if I want to join in. It may seem to you, reader, that this reaction is the immediate napalm result of the mere idea of a dying ember, but there has been a plethora of interesting events involving these people all around that have just been setting up for an explosion of such immense grandeur that in reality it's something to which you should nod slightly in acknowledgment of and mutter how "It's about time" under your breath.

All this thought took no more than a minute to run through my head, and I responded deftly with flat "no". No questions asked before; no questions afterward. Then I made the decision. Rather chain-quest style: "good, you've done this; oh and look here now, here are your new options -- and you thought the future was so dim and hopeless." But there is a catch. I have to rearrange my relationships in a way that benefits me, and that means stranger-danger. That response was the first "selfish" thing I've done in a long time, and it felt good. I have no regrets, and if it's asked of me, I'm ready to say "no," again, and that "it's time I help me out instead of you [all], who do nothing to pay me in return except in your cold insincerities." All is not lost, though. I sent a message to Sarah -- a rather long and wordy one -- about what was about to happen, and I apologised if she got hurt in it, but told her it wasn't my intention and also that I loved her still, and asked if she would be there after I came through the other side.

There was a pause in the conversation, but she said yes and that she supports me in this even if she doesn't understand what is going on at the time. I've said it before, but I can't begin to explain how much I appreciate it.

So, long-winded and forthwith, there you have it, and I shall leave you to it as I've a long day ahead of me.