Something To Say

FREE, ERIKA

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There is something to say about life, and how it abounds in its many myriad possibilities.

There is also something to say about how the things we expect never quite turn out the way we want them to. I'm writing about this now, because it hasn't been until now that I've felt better about this new path my life has been taking for well near a year or so. Also, because I haven't been quite sure as to whether or not it really is an entirely new path, or just the repetitious view of a possible tangent I continually ignore as I continue around the same small circle, thinking "Oh! What is that out there?" and "I think I've seen this before...."

I like the second one, and it seems more true that in the past, I've constantly ignored hoped vainly that what I could view more and more clearly in the distance was the place I needed to be; to embark upon some strange new adventure and finally leaving behind what redundant events and friendships constantly beleaguering my tired mind and body... I think it scared me. No, I know it scared me, and I feel confident in saying (if only in this) that I am still scared about the concept.

For the past several years, I've suffered one bad relationship after another. And when I use the word "relationship", I don't mean it in the casual "free-sex" way that people so often associate it with today. It's a general term; just to prove my statement: when put in Dictionary.com, the word "relationship" brings up four varied entries. First and foremost is "a connection, association, or involvement"; last, and hopefully soon-to-be more least, "a sexual involvement, affair".

This all being clearly established, and backed by facts, I move to close:
I can't begin to express how frustrating it has been. What a tired and draining trip through life, and the circle, though small, is still only a circle, and I wish I had found a more viable exit than I had before. Each year, after having friends, I have lost them, one at a time or sometimes in groups, but always after a year. What is it in me that isn't stable enough to supply their desires? Is it me? Is it them? What is it.

While I cannot be entirely sure, I think it's time I put the past behind me. I don't think it's healthy to rely on the crutch of "ever since he died..." any longer, and so, with that, I make my steps for me, and not for anyone else. If God should come up in my life again, perhaps I can believe Him, and what He has to offer, because I won't be doing it for anyone else, but myself...

And hold me to this, O readers! for it is easier said than done.