It's Trying

We stayed outside til two,
Waiting for the light to come back,
But hid in talk I knew,
Until you asked what I was thinking -- Remind Me, Röyksopp

---

I'm trying, I'm trying, I know, but I never said this would be easy; no one said this would be easy, and it's not.

Changing who you live for is something that has brought more people trouble in History than most other things. It can lead to an array of situations varying from different paths on the way home to right out Revolution. Change the world, they say, and it will be yours. Build it, they whisper, and they will come, but who do you listen to?

I spend a lot of my time at home now, for various reasons -- resting, making the most of what I'm spending my money on, saving the money I should be spending on my apartment/bills/savings for school... Though the thoughts still do haunt my every waking hour; things like where am I going to go to school, who should I be talking to, I wish there was someone to talk to, am I still living for someone else, why do I feel stupid about all this, I wonder if I'm making it up, I bet I'm making it up, I'm hungry, I'm poor, do I have enough gas to get to my parents, do I have enough time for that, no, I should just stay at home, I wish I had someone to talk to that wasn't Laura, I love Laura, but she's always on my couch, I need a guy friend, what's that noise, I wish this place didn't suck, I want to go camping, I should ask off to go camping, I'm supposed to go camping soon, I wish I had someone to talk to... what's that freaking noise?!

Fun, in its own way, I suppose, but there are a lot of things wrong with that I wish didn't come with the package of who I was. I may make believe on the outside that I'm okay with all the things that go on around me and without me, but I do have a habit of over-thinking. I'm working on breaking that, because it's not who I'm supposed to be, nor is it who I was raised to be.

Things should be just the way you see them, and no more than that. I can't worry about what I don't know, and I can't live in the mold the past has caste me in, it's far too small for me anymore. I will break free.