Maybe

Maybe the Sun will shine today,
and the clouds will blow away...
Maybe I won't feel so gray... -- Either Way, WILCO

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It is not without difficulty, I admit it, to learn new skills after a certain age. While I myself have not yet reached that age physically, I do wonder if there is a certain emotional/mental side to the equation that none have yet discussed before? It seems plausible, at any rate.

What I've been having to do is learn all over again how to rate relationships in my heart. What do I hold to be true? What do I hold to be false? Not much, on the latter; too much on the former. I can't differentiate in my head who should be in what position... I expect a lot from my closest friends, but I never get what I want. I think I expect what I give. And if that's the case, then why give it at all, since I've been proven time and time again to be wrong?

I suppose a lot of the case revolves on what means a lot to me: birthdays, friendships, work, school... religion, even. My whole life, growing up and now, these things have been less than what they should, and therefore when one comes along, I want it to be enough to make up for what I'd lost as a younger person. Birthdays for both myself and others are very important to me. Friendships mean a lot to me, because my first real friend didn't occur until I reached the 8th grade...

I'm trying to make sense of it all, believe me, I'm trying... but it hurts to be alone.