Numb It UpDumb It Down

You who were born with the sun above your shoulders
You turn me on... -- The Greek Song, Rufus Wainwright

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I've found that numbing my mind to the thoughts I've not yet been able to come to terms with in the past 20-some years has been working. I've done that all day, and I have to say, I feel the better for it. It does help when I have friends around to make the going less rough.

I am tired, though, and I think that I think too much when I'm tired. I can't find any other way of trying to stay awake than to flip through the dossier of unsolved mysteries I've kept carelessly stored in the back of my mind... If I read, I fall asleep. If I play games, I fall asleep; and it appears that though my schedule has opened up considerably, my few friends have suddenly grown too busy. So back at square one, hey.

My feelings on the wedding situation are still strong, if only less pronounced in my waking thoughts. The presence of these things will eventually fade as the weeks go by and peter out with the cooler weather. When I think on such an event, I can't help but find myself surprised, not so much at the fact that it might eventually fade away, but rather that I could treat it with such indifference.

That brings me to my next question: am I so cold hearted, or is the fear in my heart for the truth, or cruelty, of the situation that strong? In light of the latter part of the question, I must insist that the two options I've chosen -- truth and cruelty -- are diametric. One cannot overlap the other in any possible way, and so I feel both fully cover the gamut of possibilities.
I've thought of this quite a bit the past couple of days. I've sat outside in the heat and in the cold by myself wondering if what I've done in my life is proper -- if it is something I have control over or if it is one of those "subtle complexities inherent to my design". While I'm never sure of the answer, I can find myself easily believing both. On the one hand, you have the armies of Believers who say its a Sin; on the other the tender safety-net minds who mutter casual "love who you are" and "don't fight the truth"...

I'm not sure what I'm here for. That is something that has been on my mind a lot, and just recently has it become a problem again. I'm not sure why I've been kept about, except for something great, and the longer I'm left alive and well, I wonder if perhaps it's not something great I'm needed to see so much as something that I'm to begin. That scares me. Mostly because I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to begin. If I knew, rest assured, I'd get on getting it on as soon as possible; I can't stand not knowing and waiting about to see how it's all going to end as much as the next person. And what truly scares me is the "Is God real?" issue that's been floating about for the past two-thousand-plus years.

So take some time to think about what you might be around for. I know some of us are already doing it, and that's great. But if you can't think of why, pick a reason and work toward that in the mean time. If it's not what you're needed for, I'm sure you will find out sooner or later what it is supposed to be, but at least you'll get to see something through before you get there...
I'll be there with you, doing the same.