Boku wa...

The Foremost raised his hand in preparation to speak, intending his every word to be heard and felt and obeyed without question. But then a strange thing happened:

“Why is this man here?”
-- excerpt, personal writings

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I don't think I am a good person.

I don't like who I am. I've stated that, before, and you've read it, before, as well.

I think...
I think I am not confident enough in who I am.
I don't much like others--can't seem to stand them long enough when I don't see something in them I really like.

Then again, there's those people I do "really like", but for some reason, I end up ignoring everything about them that could hurt me until it does so multiple times. And even though I've known this for a couple years, I've not been able to change that. Sure, I have been able to reduce the amount of time it takes for me to realize whether a person I see as "good" has a "bad" side or not... but it hasn't seemed to help much in the long run.

A thousand words rush to mind, an even to the heart of my tongue, when I think of all the things I want to say. I've not said much, lately, but what I have said, I wonder if perhaps they weren't the best words I could have used. And, then again, I never have been good at public speaking...

All I can think to say... I'm sorry, and I'm sorry for that.
I can try to be different the next time. I can. And I will. I want to wake up and be a different person. A better person; someone you or anyone likes to be around. Perhaps, I could see it this way, this new leaf could be a testament to who I am going to be? And, in so many words, that's that! That's it! That's what I want! I want to be different! I want to wake each day and know that what had happened in the past is not what has define me in any way but the way I want!

And so, I want to look at it and say, "I'm not going to do this, anymore" and "I've tried this, I've been through this--why do it again? Let's find a different route!"