Grey Sky Morning

Grey Sky Morning, Vertical Horizon

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It's funny how things change, and so fast. I don't know if I can keep up. You see, I've been alone for so long -- and I don't mean that in a terrible way, just... alone. I don't think I can handle being with someone, you know? Especially something fast -- it almost boggles my mind.

I woke... well, perhaps that isn't the best word? I left my friend's house this morning as the sun was rising, only it couldn't be seen. The sky was grey-blue from the snow clouds that sat too high in the sky to do anything but act as harbingers for something greater. The previous night has left me with more things on my mind than I thought concerned me... and I still don't quite know how to put it into words. I do think I've had a total of maybe 2 hours of sleep since about 1300 yesterday... perhaps that is my problem at the moment?

For those of you who read my diary, I want you to know I don't know what I'm doing right now. I don't know who I am right now, nor do I know who I want to be tomorrow. I'm still too apprehensive to let go and let live, and at the same time, completely ignorant ignoring the fact that I'm not where I need to be right now in my life...
I don't mean this in any rude fashion -- not in the least, and trust me when I say that, Nat, dear -- but I find myself wishing I could be in your position, or rather, that I could have your... side of the situations the two of us find ourselves in...
I shall raise a glass to us; a toast to our individual niches, which seem to nuture the desire for something greater within us...

It's Been A While

{I close my eyes and imagine you... and that's enough...} -- 「瞳をとじて」平井 堅

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I realize it has been quite some time since I last posted in here... and, well, I can't be totally honest about a lot of the things that have happened to me. What kind of diary is this? I suppose it's the kind where people seem to think they can do whatever they want with the information, because it's made public, but I'm stuck here saying only things I feel safe with others knowing, or having to encrypt things because I want them out, but can't risk the knowledge becoming public... Damn free access.

Michael's dead, yes, and it was him, yes.
I've made some new friends... I'll write more about them later.
I live in an apartment by myself -- my roommate moved out on me.
I dream about San Diego every day it seems; I can't get it out of my head.
I feel alone for some reason... not sure why...
I find myself regretting being an adult.

Sometimes I feel like I could just open my eyes and wake up. Like I've been dreaming this whole time, and that the past 12 years of my life were some terrible dream that was too fantastic to wake from. Yet, now I'm ready. I'm ready for it to be over. I'm ready for it to be done with. I can't stand being alone. I can't stand being around the people I know are my friends, and feeling alone...

The worse comes to worst, always, you know? And yesterday I walked into work to see his smiling face; only, it wasn't smiling for me. I don't know what I was thinking in this month that he was gone. I don't know what I was thinking in that time about what I'd do when he came back.... but here he is, isn't he? And what do I do now that I'm back in that situation where the one I love is right in front of me, and I can't have them. I finally gave in and asked an older friend of mine... someone from San Diego himself; I figured he would know what to do, or at least be receptive to what I had to say. He told me that I couldn't just let myself get dragged down into the darkness because of everything. He told me that he saw a great aura around me, and that I'm always happy, and if I think that the way things are now are final, then that is the way they'll be, and it'd never work out. I can't say I don't agree with him, because I do. We always have to be positive whenever we feel like the world is closing in on us, but I can't say I agree about the whole "it'll work itself out" thing.

I don't think I'll ever really be with him. I just don't think that's in the workings. However, my friend did cover that, too. He said, if that's the way it was meant to be, then so be it, but we don't know right now, so don't let yourself thing it's over just yet.

And it's not... is it? Thanks for your continued support, Penny; I really do appreciate it. I hope things are going well for you, and I'll try to be more consistent with my publications.

All my love,
`koa